To tell my elderly father that I do have objections to him marrying his partner he met 6 months after my mother died?

[Perimomof2]

My mother died 5 years ago quite suddenly after a short illness. My dad was devastated, they’d been together 50+ years. But later the same year he announced that he’d met someone, similar age and also widowed. They have been together ever since, not exactly living together but they live close by so pretty much do everything as a couple.
My sibling and I didn’t object, he was happy enough and had been clear from the start that he wouldn’t be moving in with her or vice versa and had no intention of marrying again. We don’t particularly like her (my DF has no idea, we include her in pretty much everything) but that’s our problem, not theirs.

Fast forward 5 years, he asked me out of the blue if I had any objection to them marrying. I said I did. That it was something he said wouldn’t happen, and that if I gave them my blessing it would feel disrespectful to my DM’s memory.

Was I wrong to say this? I’m concerned that if he marries his wife will have POA around health and finances and that his estate (house and savings which were accumulated jointly with my DM) will not pass solely to his two children but to his wife who his has known for a relatively short time and will subsequently be split with her children. For context, his estate is likely to be considerably larger than hers.

This. Apart from the money aspect he is entitled to happiness.

This is the trouble when people feel ‘entitled’ to an inheritance. They start wanting to dictate what their parents do. You are being very unreasonable. Hopefully he leaves the lot to his wife as his children seem more interested in his money than his happiness.

I wish my elderly Father had found someone else to share his life with after my mother died. He would be so much happier rather than living alone and feeling low a lot of the time.

Having said that i feel that it legitimate to raise your concerns about POA and inheritance if you can do it in a way that doesn't paint his girlfriend in a negative light.

It sounds like you are being unreasonable given the new lady has been on the scene 5 years now.

But practically I think it’s worth ensuring that he is able to get advice to ensure he understands the implications of remarrying so that he can ensure he leaves his assets as he wants to. E.g he needs to be aware that remarrying will revoke any prior will so he needs to prioritise writing a will after marrying.

I think you need to frame any conversation as making sure he has his affairs in order and understands the implications of marrying again. I don’t think it’s reasonable at all to go into it with a ‘your money is my inheritance’ type approach. I.e the conversation should be about safeguarding his assets to be dealt with as he wishes, not about safeguarding your interest (although they may well be aligned).

It makes me really sad, this post. Learning that some people are so self centred that they have no ounce of love or respect for their father. Assuming your dad is not terminally ill and likely to die tomorrow, you would rather he lives out his days alone, than marry someone he obviously loves, just because you are worried about your inheritance.

Thanks. It is less about the money and more about the decisions regarding health but I did expect to be regarded as a money grabber!!

Would you be pissed off if DF spent it all whilst alive?

well i agree it would be a bit shit if your parents inheritance ends up going to her children instead of you, but saying his relationship is disrespectful towards your mum seems a little cruel and manipulative.

it’s a shame it’s so hard to have frank conversations about money. I would perhaps go about it by asking him why he wants to marry her - the 2 reasons are, as you say, to hand over power and money to her, so i would perhaps get him to be clear in his own mind about what he wants. I’d perhaps say something like “I will of course support you no matter what but I’m surprised because not long ago you didn’t even want to live with her, and now you want to enter into a legal contract to give her power over your healthcare decisions and to pass down your and mum’s assets to her side of the family when you pass away. I love and support you no matter what but this is such a dramatic shift from your initial stance so it took me by surprise before.”

It might piss him off though.. will he accuse you of being grabby?

When you say elderly what age are you talking? And what age is the partner?

Completely agree but find it hard to see how a marriage certificate is necessary when he is perfectly happy without one now.

It seems like lunacy for him to marry again at this stage . There simply isn't any need .People particularly men can be very short sighted and selfish.I am a widow although relatively young and I wouldn't dream of marrying again or complicating things for my children. I feel that everything my husband worked for that is left should go to them without any anxiety or stress or uncertainty .

What a horrible post

of course she's concerned about the money her mother probably worked for here entire life. Her mother with 100% certainty didn't think ' I don't care if my children don't get what I've worked for, but I'm perfectly content if it goes to some people I''ve never seen in my whole life.
I'm guessing the many posters on here who criticise the OP think it's Ok that the money goes to complete strangers and not to her mother's own children.

You are prioritising your inheritance over your father’s happiness.

Yikes.

I remember a piece on a BBC morning show about kids annoyed their parents were “spending their inheritance” and wondered who on earth would be entitled enough to see their parents wealth as their own.

Now I know.

Imagine if your DH died OP, and after a period of grieving you met someone and fell in love, and they loved you back.

Then five years down the line, you wanted to marry that man; would you expect that your family would be happy for you? Or would you expect them to object?

If you, as a widow, wanted to ensure your DC inherited from you, you could make a will and if you weren’t bothered about what you left behind and to whom, you may not. But surely, as a grown adult, you’d see all of those decisions as yours to make, wouldn’t you?

I think telling anyone that they shouldn’t marry because you want their money is bloody cheeky tbh.

This isn’t accurate though, she’s been outwardly supportive of them being in a relationship, it’s just the marriage that she doesn’t like.

It’s none of your business . He’s your father stop infantilising him.

It's not just money though, it could mean that your future stepmother would have the final decision about life support/end of life treatment. It's a huge can of worms.

Gosh aren’t you pleased your dads happy

if that what your worried about discuss with your dad protecting your mum’s money - it can be done

technically it’s his money now

you can protect your mum’s memory and get married at same time - I think 5 years is fair enough

lots of men can’t exist without a female in their life and pair up soon after. Your dad was obv lonely

it’s his life

This is what happened to my father. His father (my grandfather) remarried and then changed his will. He passed first and now everything he built with my grandmother, including my father’s childhood home, and shares they had jointly invested in, will go to a random niece in South Africa who has never even met my step grandmother.

She calls my father every month or so, asking ‘how is ‘step-grandma’ going?’ i.e. ‘Is she dead yet?’. My father is independently wealthy from his own business, and has never been one to care much about money. But I can tell that he’s really hurt at the situation.

Absolutely not

Come on OP. If that was the case you would have phrased your OP that way.

You are primarily worried about your piece of the pie. At least own that.

Wills bring out the absolute worst in people. Arghh leave your father to live his life and spend his money as he sees fit.

Poor guy is probably really upset you have kiboshed this.

Yes in case she doesn’t get a fair share of daddies money.

He wants to be married

are you?