To tell my elderly father that I do have objections to him marrying his partner he met 6 months after my mother died?

[Perimomof2]

My mother died 5 years ago quite suddenly after a short illness. My dad was devastated, they’d been together 50+ years. But later the same year he announced that he’d met someone, similar age and also widowed. They have been together ever since, not exactly living together but they live close by so pretty much do everything as a couple.
My sibling and I didn’t object, he was happy enough and had been clear from the start that he wouldn’t be moving in with her or vice versa and had no intention of marrying again. We don’t particularly like her (my DF has no idea, we include her in pretty much everything) but that’s our problem, not theirs.

Fast forward 5 years, he asked me out of the blue if I had any objection to them marrying. I said I did. That it was something he said wouldn’t happen, and that if I gave them my blessing it would feel disrespectful to my DM’s memory.

Was I wrong to say this? I’m concerned that if he marries his wife will have POA around health and finances and that his estate (house and savings which were accumulated jointly with my DM) will not pass solely to his two children but to his wife who his has known for a relatively short time and will subsequently be split with her children. For context, his estate is likely to be considerably larger than hers.

You can be POA more sensible as your younger

To those saying you are denying your father happiness, OP, I think they are wrong. Why would he be happier married to her?

I also think you are right to have concerns over POA and end of life decisions etc. A 5 year relationship is nothing in the grand scheme of things and again, I’d be worried about a relatively new person making those decisions.

Think of the inheritance not as money, but as many many hours of hard work. And you think it's Ok to give these hours of hard work to strangers instead of your own children! It's nothing to do with her father's happiness is it!

Would you be equally angry if your father spent all his wealth on himself before he died?

Does nobody remember what Lynda Bellingham's husband did to her sons?

Also I checked with my husband before he got ill whether he would have married again . As I was worried our children could be pushed out . And he absolutely agreed that he was not inclined to unless there was a financial equality or benefit . There is no need to especially in your eighties. You could have a party anyway without getting married .

You are begrudging your DF happiness because of money? No one is entitled to an inheritance, concentrate on earning your own money and let him move on and do what he wants with his money and his life.

Yes I think it’s an obscene level of entitlement to deny somebody happiness because you feel entitled to “their hard work”.

It’s THEIR hard work. Not OPs.

It's not OP's business though, is it? While her father is still alive, it's very much HIS business what he does. He could sell his house and donate the whole of the proceeds to a cat shelter and live in a commune if he so wishes.

Horrible but sadly accurate.

I think you don't know enough about what your dad wants here, perhaps he would like to give you your inheritance and is intending on making a will to this effect, perhaps he would prefer this lady who is now his life partner to have PoA and not you. There are legal benefits in the difficult last years to marriage in terms of being able to make decisions on his behalf and you don't know who he wants to take charge of that- it may be her for Health and you for Finance or some other combination.

Being married does mean you are someone's legal next of kin and that may be what he wants for her.

I'd have a discussion with him if possible about what he'd like to happen- but be prepared that he actually does know what it means to be married including the health consequences and that he does know he wants her to have both the money and other legal ties.

well at least her mother must have taken this into account when making her will leaving everything to her husband. It still stays in the family and doesn't go to complete strangers.

Did your Mother not have a joint will with your DF? MY Dad died a few years ago and his half of the house is in trust for us DC not my DM although she can live in it until whenever.

You are being massively U nit to give him your blessing to get married and as other have suggested it seems all about the money rather than his happiness which is pretty bad of you.

I don’t understand the concern on here about discussing finances in these circumstances. It’s right and proper that these things are considered.

You can want both things, a parent to be happy AND for them to think about what will happen if they become unwell and pass away. It’s just sensible.

OP I’d just talk to him. I presume you want him to be happy. So say that. Say you like her (assuming you do) but be honest that you’re concerned about practicalities. Both money, any house, POA for health etc.

You have to remember though it’s his decision. It’s not your inheritance, it’s his money and home. So while you can make sure he’s considered everything. Ultimately any choices are up to him.

I agree it is accurate.

I am in no way objecting to his relationship with his partner, I am concerned that his own family will not be involved in decisions around his health and finances.

Thank you. My first thought was that I would be devastated if someone other than his children would potentially organise his funeral.

Give him your blessing. Then she will look after him when his health crumbles and you will not have the bother of it ...

When she marries him she will be his family. Why do you feel entitled to make all of the decisions around your dad?

Maybe he is marrying her specifically so she can make this decisions as he'd rather her than you.

While I would not remarry in these circumstances, I’d consider it grossly unreasonable of my child to interfere if I wanted to.

A spouse doesn’t automatically have power of attorney by the way - he can make an LPA appointing one of you children or his wife or someone else entirely as he chooses. If he were to lose capacity without one his new wife wouldn’t be the default, you have to make applications to the court of protection etc

He may also be intending for her to live in the home til her death and then you inherit- wills can be made in all kinds of permutations.

I would talk to him about it- say since you raised the issue of marriage, I wonder what your thoughts are on XYZ. I've had these conversations with both parents, although it is delicate and in the case of one of them I don't really agree with their plans but they are theirs and I don't think it's for me to say anything more, I am not being disinherited though, just that the distribution of assets requires selling everything and I wouldn't want to do that to my step-mum if and when he dies.

My mum is blunter and that's very helpful and we have discussed what her partner will do and his own finances so everything is very up front and there's no surprises for him or us.

I want my parents partners to be happy and well if my parents go first as they have been with them a long time.

I’m not at all angry. And no, his money, his choice how he spends it. I’m just sad that my DM’s wishes wouldn’t be carried out and that his children might not be involved in important decisions regarding his healthcare.

Would you not sit with her and do it together? Your message reads like you would exclude his long term partner from making funeral arrangements. Perhaps he's marrying her to protect her from things like this.

He shouldn’t have asked your opinion if he didn’t want it. What was his response to your objection? When he tells her you’re not keen you may find your dislike of her is mutual but, again, he asked.