To tell my elderly father that I do have objections to him marrying his partner he met 6 months after my mother died?

[Perimomof2]

My mother died 5 years ago quite suddenly after a short illness. My dad was devastated, they’d been together 50+ years. But later the same year he announced that he’d met someone, similar age and also widowed. They have been together ever since, not exactly living together but they live close by so pretty much do everything as a couple.
My sibling and I didn’t object, he was happy enough and had been clear from the start that he wouldn’t be moving in with her or vice versa and had no intention of marrying again. We don’t particularly like her (my DF has no idea, we include her in pretty much everything) but that’s our problem, not theirs.

Fast forward 5 years, he asked me out of the blue if I had any objection to them marrying. I said I did. That it was something he said wouldn’t happen, and that if I gave them my blessing it would feel disrespectful to my DM’s memory.

Was I wrong to say this? I’m concerned that if he marries his wife will have POA around health and finances and that his estate (house and savings which were accumulated jointly with my DM) will not pass solely to his two children but to his wife who his has known for a relatively short time and will subsequently be split with her children. For context, his estate is likely to be considerably larger than hers.

It's five years and you're more worried about your inheritance than anything else.

Honestly, he's been with the new lady for 5 years. Perhaps he loves her and wants to share his later years with her.

If he is capable of marriage, he is perfectly capable of making a will that will consider everyone's needs.

I understand that it may be upsetting but I think you need to let him live his life.

I'm sorry you lost your mum, OP.

Yes, I think you're being unreasonable. 5 years later is hardly out of the blue. And your reasons seem to be about your inheritance, not your father's happiness.

I'm sure someone will be along to tell me i am a money grubbing arsehole...but business is business.
Yanbu.

I wouldnt remarry in those circs and on that basis i wouldnt expect my parent to.

So I would be very open that i have massive concerns re: my mothers estate not going to her children / GC and his estate tbh... and POA in event of illness.

All my aunts and uncles.that are on their "second marriage" are unmarried because they have children. think its poor decision making to be frank.

Would you feel comfortable telling him your worries about your inheritance of the estate that was half accumulated by your mum? There are ways of protecting your inheritance if he is willing to. I'm sure your mum would have wanted that. You could see a solicitor together. Then you can be glad he has a new life partner.

A relatively short time? They've been together for 5 years! I think you're being hugely unreasonable, firstly because I can't imagine why you wouldn't want your dad to be happy, I'm sure your mum would. Secondly, your dad can do whatever he likes with his money. You are putting your inheritance before your dad's happiness and making some pretty judgemental assumptions on both your dad and his partner. I appreciate grief gets in the way of sensible thinking but kindly, I think you need to apologise and find a way to make things better, you are being hugely unreasonable.

YANBU to feel that way and practically speaking it seems unnecessary given they’ve no shared assets. I am in a similar position and wouldn’t want mum to marry her chap, lovely though he is (and he’s also considerably wealthier so I doubt his daughters would want that either!)

Your dad can do what he likes and as PP said, it seems you are worried about your inheritance.

Same situation with FIL. It has been many years now (he is ancient but still going strong!) and I’ve long since concluded it was the right thing. His “new” wife looks after him admirably well and it’s his money to spend or put in his will as he likes.

Oof.

I mean at least you admit you don't want him to be happy so you can ensure you get your piece of the pie when he dies. I'd write you out of my will for that personally.

Grabby and a bit grubby. Let the poor bloke move on and wish him well.

I’d wonder what’s driving the marriage talk in their relationship and living arrangements. What’s the benefit or difference does it make?

other than for one partner to suddenly inherit a considerable amount from their spouse

It's lovely that he has a new partner/wife - you won't need to worry about him so much.
He also doesn't need your permission, or blessing, to get married.
Stop fussing about your inheritance, OP - it may all disappear to pay for care anyway. Or he could leave it to a donkey sanctuary. We really all need to work on the basis that we won't inherit a bean from the previous generation - then we'll all be much happier.

YABU, she makes him happy and he should be able to grasp every bit of happiness he can get.

Thank you, and yes, I plan to talk to him about the inheritance worries. In all honesty I’m not sure he has thought through the possible implications for the family but my sibling and I will talk to him about the options and look at legal advice.

Money really brings out the absolute worst in people.
Ive seen this myself first hand after a recent family bereavement. Repulsive behaviour has come to light, all in the name of someone else’s money.

It’s been 5 years. Worry about earning your own money and your df can worry about himself. He doesn’t need your permission.

You'll get a hard time on here but I'd be pissed off too if my mother's assets could potentially go to someone else's kids who frankly had fuck all to do with her. Assuming you are close to your parents I have no idea why anyone in your Dad's position would marry again. You'll get royally screwed.

Ask him if he's considered a pre nup or whether he's happy for his estate to pass to her.

You've not stated his partner's age but unless she's 30 years younger than him perhaps she'll not be as interested in his inheritance as you think but it's still wise to get one or an updated will to make it easier when the time comes.

You're very right to have concerns about this, OP.

DH's Mum died when he was a teenager, and left her entire estate/house to their stepfather on the condition that they could live there until they were adults and he then left it to them on his death. He kicked them out within months of meeting his new partner, and when he married her changed his will to leave everything to her. DH and his sister were £800k short changed as a result, because their Mum's wishes meant fuck all legally. His Mum had bought the house with her very generous divorce settlement from DH's Dad. It was devastating especially as his Mum had died from cancer and was an amazing mother but she had totally and wrongly as it turned out trusted her husband.

I do realise that no one should assume they will inherit anything, but my DM was so proud to have a house and savings to hopefully pass on as she received nothing herself.

I’m less concerned with the money but more so with decisions made about his health as he is in his 80’s with some minor health concerns which his partner doesn’t understand or concern herself with.

Yabu.

This is a well established relationship, and he deserves happiness.

You can discuss protecting inheritance for his children, but you should not tell him you disapprove of him marrying: this would just distance him (and may mean he is less likely to give you inheritance!).

Really, you should be more concerned about his happiness than your inheritance!

I would be gutted if I thought everything I have built up with my husband for 50 years would go to some random woman’s adult children after I died and not to our DC. Even if they had been together for 20 years before it happened. Surely most women would feel the same?

So, my mum died when I was 6. My dad is not married to his partner but they live together. As far as me and my brother are aware, we are set to inherit as normal just we have to let her live in the house if my dad passes first. She has 2 sons and they will inherit the property on her side, and us on ours. My brother lives in our family home which was paid off with my mums life insurance, the house they live in was purchased with my grandparents help. One of her sons live in her old house and she also had her mums.

I think its best to discuss this with your dad. And maybe he can put together something similar to what my dad has.

You have a point OP but so do people criticising you on here.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable for you not to want your parents’ joint money to go to a random stepfamily.

But it’s also reasonable for your dad to want to marry again and 5 years isn’t exactly rushing in to anything.

It’s good that you are able to be open with him. But tread carefully or you may end up alienating him.

A similar thing happened historically in my family and it’s pretty galling for randoms to benefit from inheritance that is basically nothing to do with them. But as long as you can have an honest conversation with your dad, hopefully that can be avoided.

I’m sorry this happened to your DH. I plan to ask my DF to take legal advice to avoid this, I think once he understands the implications for their joint estate he might look to protect it.