To tell my elderly father that I do have objections to him marrying his partner he met 6 months after my mother died?

[Perimomof2]

My mother died 5 years ago quite suddenly after a short illness. My dad was devastated, they’d been together 50+ years. But later the same year he announced that he’d met someone, similar age and also widowed. They have been together ever since, not exactly living together but they live close by so pretty much do everything as a couple.
My sibling and I didn’t object, he was happy enough and had been clear from the start that he wouldn’t be moving in with her or vice versa and had no intention of marrying again. We don’t particularly like her (my DF has no idea, we include her in pretty much everything) but that’s our problem, not theirs.

Fast forward 5 years, he asked me out of the blue if I had any objection to them marrying. I said I did. That it was something he said wouldn’t happen, and that if I gave them my blessing it would feel disrespectful to my DM’s memory.

Was I wrong to say this? I’m concerned that if he marries his wife will have POA around health and finances and that his estate (house and savings which were accumulated jointly with my DM) will not pass solely to his two children but to his wife who his has known for a relatively short time and will subsequently be split with her children. For context, his estate is likely to be considerably larger than hers.

yanbu and I don’t understand why people would say you are being unreasonable. How can they think it’s reasonable a woman and her family your father has known for only 5 years should be entitled to the inheritance your Mum believed was to one day go to her children. I actually think it’s grubby and greedy someone would marry a man in his 80s knowing they will and in turn their family inherit everything over his own and his deceased wife’s family.
edited to say: why can they just not remain as they are a couple in every other way but not married.

@Perimomof2 YANBU about your concerns. I'd speak to your father to make a will and grant you POA. If I were him, I'd do that to secure my children's future. If I were his partner, I'd encourage him to do that too because I wouldn't want to inherit his money that's meant for his children. Any decent person would do the same.

YABU about not liking her for the reasons you stated. They're of no substance and it's really because of your mum (which is understandable) that you don't quite like her. Also, she's in her 80s, what do you expect her to do to liven things up and entertain you?

She's your father's companion. He (like a lot of men) requires nursing like a damn child which is probably why he rushed into a new relationship the same year your mum died. That is what's disrespectful to your mum. He couldn't wait because he didn't have anyone helping him like your mum probably did. It could be why he feels the need to remarry.

I don't see the point of them marrying at this stage either.

The OP hasn't a clue of what her father has put in place re inheritance though.

. And if her mother was that bothered about it the she should've ring fenced her share for the kids

I think this sums it up.

But marriage does not mean she will automatically inherit everything. It is easy to put provision in your will to ensure that children inherit upon your death. The op's mother could easily have put provision in her will to protect the op of she wanted to but chose not to.

Someone I know recently got a shock because her mother chose to leave the bulk of her wealth to a charity. She didn't see much of her mother and wanted Christmases to be "her little family" leaving her mum to organise herself ....

Parents are free to disinherit their children from any reason they want

And it never is

the solicitor also said we wouldn’t believe what he’s seen when money is on the table!

actually I would - worst of human kind

I think it’s fair she would have assumed he would do the right thing

we still don’t know if he intended to anyway

Chances are that, at the time of her death, their house was the parents’ main property. It is normal for married couples to be joint tenants, so the father would have automatically inherited his wife’s share of the property.

In order to be able to leave her share to their children, they would have had to have formally switched to being tenants in common. This would also have resulted in the father/widower having to sell the house to pass the deceased wife’s share to the children. Unless she had made a will to grant her husband a life interest so he could stay in the house.

Personally I doubt that, in real life, many people have the foresight to plan for this eventuality. Even solicitors often advise for minor wills - I know ours did.

At the end of the day, one can only hope that a surviving parent/widow(er) will act in the children’s best interest. Sadly, it appears that - as in the OP’s case - some don’t, either through ignorance or carelessness, or because they put their new partner’s interests above those of their children.

My mother was very astute. She was the high earner in the marriage and invested well. I loved my father but he was a bit of an idiot for a pretty face. My mother was aware of this so ensured that their property was held as tenants in common as she didn’t trust him to ‘do the right thing’ if he was ever carried away by romance. In addition to half of the house coming to me when she died she also left me the vast majority of her estate with a sensible amount of money going to him to give him a comfortable existence for his remaining years. Also stating that he could remain in the house until his death. She knew though that there was no way I would have considered evicting him to release my half. This the way to ensure that your estate goes where you want it to.

Someone I know recently got a shock because her mother chose to leave the bulk of her wealth to a charity. She didn't see much of her mother and wanted Christmases to be "her little family" leaving her mum to organise herself ....

Parents are free to disinherit their children from any reason they want.

True but this story is completely different from the OP's situation. You can't be shocked to learn that you're not in your mum's will when you hardly spent time with her and pushed her away. Different circumstances and not comparable.

OP and her dad are close. It would rightly be a shock if OP didn't inherit anything when there is something to inherit. Still, the dad has the right to do whatever he wants with his money. Decent parents who have a good relationship with their children wouldn't leave them out of the will.

Which is it? Disrespectful to your mother's memory (it's not) or concerned about your inheritance, which it will affect, but in your father's shoes I'd be considering writing you out anyway, if my cash was more important to you than my happiness.

I'm in the same place as your DF and my sons are very happy to see me happy - in fact I've just posted about that today.

I don't expect to ever remarry, but if I did I'd take steps to make sure DC still get the bulk of my money. That said, if I had another long marriage, it would also be right for him to have something.

But what you said was

"I’m concerned that if he marries his wife will have POA around health and finances and that his estate (house and savings which were accumulated jointly with my DM) will not pass solely to his two children but to his wife who his has known for a relatively short time and will subsequently be split with her children. For context, his estate is likely to be considerably larger than hers."

OP and her dad are close. It would rightly be a shock if OP didn't inherit anything when there is something to inherit. Still, the dad has the right to do whatever he wants with his money. Decent parents who have a good relationship with their children wouldn't leave them out of the will.

Exactly. This is why it's so weird that the op immediately told her dad she didn't approve of him getting married.

She seems to have no faith in her own father and to be very focused on what she might get when he dies. That doesn't sound like their relationship is all that close to me.

I think I said I'm 72, if I remember rightly the age if majority changed while I was between 18 and 21. Nowadays people generally refer to coming of age being 18.

The idea that free love and living together was normal is hilarious, maybe the cool people in London thought it was ok but for most of the country it wasn't. Have you ever seen those programmes about people in their 40s and 50s meeting their birth mother who explains she had to give her baby up? Why do you imagine parents sent their daughter's to unmarried mother's homes and pretended they were off visiting their auntie.

Did you realise John Lennon and Ringo Star both married their first wives due to pregnancy, that was the best outcome for young pregnant women although many if those marriages were unhappy and some of those ended in divorce. I know people my age who were in that position and one of them has always pretended to her children that she married a year before she did. Her now nearly 50 year old child still isn't aware she was conceived outside marriage. That is reality and may be why this man feels marriage is important

Exactly / I feel the free love was in America or like you say london elites

my parents divorced in the 70s and it was a massive disgrace my dad lived with his new partner unmarried

🙄Well I'm certainly not part of a London elite.

And if a man in his 80s thinks he should marry a woman in her 80s to avoid people talking when he gets her pregnant, then he needs a few lessons in human biology 🤣

Just remind me, how did the Starr and Lennon first marriages work out?

He doesn’t think he should

he wants to

your being obtuse

You've made some wild assumptions there. Her dad simply asked for her blessing to get married. At no point has he said he will reduce the daughter's inheritance or give it his new wife. There is no evidence that the new wife thinks she will inherit anything. You've jumped to a totally unfounded conclusion, as has the OP.

Exactly this.

A world of difference between remarrying when you have at least the same years ahead to regroup finances and lifestyles and this situation.

Of course her dad can be happy with anyone he likes but he already has a lifetime invested in a different family. It wouldn't be fair to ignore that.

You're totally unreasonable and weird. Seek help.

Why should you get ANY opinion as to what he wants to do about his healthcare? You should just be supporting his choices, not making any decisions for him. Maybe there's a good reason he doesn't want you making these choices.

Who said she was any younger?!

A voice of reason. Find it almost unbelievable - the shoulder shrugging on here. Suspect most wouldn’t actually be so casual if in that circumstance. Crazy thinking that one’s dead parent would be happy that their “half” of married assets could go in full or even in part to some newly introduced stepchildren (likely adult) post death. I can’t believe people think this is generally just ok? Really?

Please explain

a) why you think she is unreasonable to be upset that her mothers wishes may not be upheld
b) why you think she is unreasonable to be upset that the money her mother saved and worked for might go to the children of a woman she has never even met
c) why she she is "weird"
d) why she should seek help and what type of help you think would be appropriate.

She's not unreasonable in feeling any of this stuff but she is unreasonable for trying to dictate to her father. There was absolutely another preventing the mother from ring fencing the assets for her kids. She can't blame anyone else except her mother for that.If those were her wishes why the hell didn't she fort it when alive And she doesn't even know what provisions her father has or hasn't made