To tell my elderly father that I do have objections to him marrying his partner he met 6 months after my mother died?

[Perimomof2]

My mother died 5 years ago quite suddenly after a short illness. My dad was devastated, they’d been together 50+ years. But later the same year he announced that he’d met someone, similar age and also widowed. They have been together ever since, not exactly living together but they live close by so pretty much do everything as a couple.
My sibling and I didn’t object, he was happy enough and had been clear from the start that he wouldn’t be moving in with her or vice versa and had no intention of marrying again. We don’t particularly like her (my DF has no idea, we include her in pretty much everything) but that’s our problem, not theirs.

Fast forward 5 years, he asked me out of the blue if I had any objection to them marrying. I said I did. That it was something he said wouldn’t happen, and that if I gave them my blessing it would feel disrespectful to my DM’s memory.

Was I wrong to say this? I’m concerned that if he marries his wife will have POA around health and finances and that his estate (house and savings which were accumulated jointly with my DM) will not pass solely to his two children but to his wife who his has known for a relatively short time and will subsequently be split with her children. For context, his estate is likely to be considerably larger than hers.

This is so sad.

And if you flip it around to be from the perspective of the OP’s DM, or your GM, everyone would understand: “I’ve worked hard to build up a strong safety net for my beloved children. I now have a terminal illness and all my money is tied up in the house which will go to my DH. my DH has said when he remarries it is only right and proper that all the money then pass to his new wife and then onto her children, not to my kids, as this is what marriage means to him. AIBU to think this is wrong?”

Because of DH's experience and losing his inheritance, we went to a solicitor to draw wills up. If I died, the only way I can guarantee any heritance to our DC is leaving it to them at that point and not passing the estate in its entirety to DH. I can leave wishes that he leaves it to them but it's not legally binding.

Out of interest, how long had he known your mother before marrying her? Longer than 5 years, I'd assume by your assertion that 5 years is a short amount of time. Granted, by today's standards it is. Has your father made a will already? If so, marriage changes nothing. If your father hasn't made a will get, it would be prudent for him to do so - not for your sake but his own.

Your wording, incidentally, does lead to the following summary:
You don't object to your father's relationship as long as he doesn't marry, however remarrying is an insult to your mother's memory, and you're concerned about your inheritance.

My mother died several years ago. I'd be absolutely delighted if my father, who works hard and lives by himself, managed to find someone new as my mother insisted he do before she died. Would I be happy if he remarried? I couldn't honestly say, however he's made his will, and he's stated that it will NOT change, no matter what his circumstances. In point of fact, that doesn't actually matter to me at all. The only concern I gave him was how often I'd see him if he started seeing someone else, as I don't want to lose him at all, it's one of my biggest fears which I know will one day be realised. I wonder if your mother would want him to move on with his life or if she, too, would prefer he lives a lonely existence just to protect your inheritance. (This part of my response is based on the wording of your post, on which more emphasis, I felt, was placed on inheritance than your mother.)

However, you're not wholly wrong to be concerned, depending on your father's state of mind.

I presume your father has his wits about him, in which case the tale I am about to impart shouldn't matter, but...

A friend of mine's father wound up in hospital. By all accounts, it seemed he was completely compos mentis, however his nurse somehow convinced him to get a divorce. She then somehow managed to convince him to marry her. And then she somehow managed to get him to either change or destroy his will. This was within the space of six months. He died a short time after this, leaving his wife of 30+ years and his son with nothing, and there was nothing they could do about it because he had appeared to be compos mentis.

Now, an additional question for you: you say your sibling and you don't like her. Have you thought about why that might be? You've given the excuse to your father about ultimately being disrespectful to the memory of your mother. Is that the basis of this dislike? Or is there more to it which has nothing whatsoever to do with your mother? Might it be the way she speaks, the way she carries herself, the fact she's nothing like your mother?

In fairness, my mother would never have imagined that my DF would remarry, in the same way that my sibling and I didn’t. It was a complete shock at a time when we were still mourning my DM.

Sort your will out now, sort out how your house is owned and make sure half is in your name so you can leave it to whoever you want. Of course he can do the same so if he goes first you might find he's left his share to the salvation army.

You need to make an adequate will then

This is my belief as well. The thought that I could die and dh remarry and disinherit my dd is just horrendous. I really don’t understand these answers at all. If dh spends all the money, that’s different. If it all goes on care home fees for him, fine. But to be so reckless as to disinherit your child by giving your child’s other parent’s legacy to a stranger is awful.

Right - so OP’s mother’s poor will planning (sorry OP) should affect how her father now lives his life?

His will could already say everything goes to this woman! Or he could be planning on writing a new will immediately after marriage that leaves OP a fair and reasonable amount in a way that recognises that some of the money was her mother’s.

I work in a sector which brings me into close contact with lots of elderly people, it’s very common for widowed men to move on very quickly after losing their wives, they just don’t seem to cope on their own very well. The elderly ladies I meet who are widowed seem to get their companionship from their female friends, not may of them remarry and are very content.
I would frame this to your Father that your concerns are based on who would be his next of kin, responsible for organising any future care needs etc rather then a money/estate point of view.
It is important that he considers who he would wish to decide care plans especially as his soon to be wife is a similar age.
I think the getting married is probably a generational thing, people of that generation are less likely to cohabit without being married first and perhaps they want to live together.
Loneliness and isolation in elderly people is so prevalent, I would try and be happy for him that he has found someone to spend his final years with.

Your father prob didn’t either - it’s very common for that generation of men to marry quickly - some are really lost without women due to the traditional divided roles - he probably didn’t realise how he would feel when your mum went

your dad can protect you if that’s what he wants to do by making an adequate will

The point of a will is to cover all eventualities. A good solicitor would ensure this.

You are right, absolutely right. I see people here castigate you over 'worrying about inheritance' and why should you not worry about your inheritance? This is something your mum and dad built together over the 50 years they had been together - why should some old gold-digger get half a penny from that? Why? The point of marriage is to have children, no other point in that - and they are not going to have children. Object to their marriage, tell him there is no need. If the old gold-digger insists, explain to your dad why she insists.
All the above is invalid if the old woman he wants to marry is independently rich.

Worth remembering that marriage invalidates a previously written will. A lot of people don’t realise this or don’t get round to getting a new one drawn up and this is how all the horrible step family inheritance stories come about.

If you remarry your estate will automatically go to your new spouse, unless you specify otherwise.

There is more point to marriage than children

No it doesn’t they get £322k then 50 percent of the rest shared with children - sometimes that can work out better!

Unfortunately, men and women are different. Men act like traitors and pretend it is not treachery. What your father is doing is treachery. To your mum's memory and to you as well - he could be with that woman without marrying her, doing a mirror will and leaving you without your mum's money.

This happened to us. Although I get you wanting them to be happy it's not right when men literally do not respect their wives wishes and it's more common than you think. My FIL remarried at 65 within a year of MIL passing. His new wife got the whole lot and passed it on to her own children. I wouldn't want everything I've worked for going to random strangers so I think it a perfectly reasonable conversation. Ring fence your mum's inheritance to go to her own children and if he wants to leave the rest to new wives children and grand kids that's up to him.

Any will made before marriage is invalidated by a new marriage so no point in making one before if you then intend to marry

It's not 'her' inheritance. It's 'his' to do what he wants with.

Mirror wills don’t protect as they can be changed at any time - they are not locked into each other but two separate wills that reflect the same - either spouse can change at any time

he’s not being a traitor, he’s moving on with his life!

he needs a Will that honours his wishes

I don't actually think this is unusual. I'm sure there's been research showing that older widowers move on really quickly and get remarried really quickly.

I think some older men want a wife to look after them (it's a generational thing which is hopefully on its way out!) and some just struggle with the loss of identity of no longer being someone's husband. To you it's just a legal contact they don't need. But for some men, it's about getting their identity back, and feeling more normal is worth it to them.

And as the OP's partner is also no spring chicken, it's entirely possible she also has strong enough feelings about the label for the legal consequences to be secondary. Not being married is quite normal among younger generations. For most people in their 80s, being married is the sign of a committed relationship, and it feels weird having a boyfriend or girlfriend when you're definitely no longer a boy or a girl. Whether or not you agree, you can't make someone feel the way you'd like them to.

It's worth checking whether a man remarrying in this situation understands:

• The new wife will automatically be assumed to be the one making decisions re medical and funeral decisions. (Even if you have legal paperwork drawn up to say, actually, it's you, you'll have to override that and it might be too late.)
• If there's no will in place, the new wife will get everything.
• He might love his new wife and his children, but at this stage in life, he can't expect them to love each other. They're well past stepparent/stepchild ages. He needs to be clear with his wishes upfront rather than leave it to them to work it out after his death. That would just be cowardly and cruel.
• There may be implications over funding his care. The OP talks about health issues - is it more important to him to ensure his new wife is looked after, his kids are looked after, or that he gets his first choice of care home? It's not selfish to want to spend his and his first wife's accumulated wealth on ensuring his final days are as comfortable as possible.

If he knows the ramifications, if he's mentally fit... let him crack on. I'm of an age now where I will never be with someone for 50 years, so I can't imagine what it's like to suddenly be on your own after that length of time. If being someone's husband again is what makes him happy, I wouldn't want to get in the way of that.

Life is short. You take your happiness while you can.

It's likely you'll outlive your father. Think about how you'd like your last years together to be, and how you'd like his last years to be. The answer might well be with him married to this woman, and you spending time with her.

Having already lost a parent, you know all about grief, the what ifs and the regrets. If you fell out with your father over this and didn't speak to him again, what would that mean to you?

Yes, do think about what your mum would have wanted. But the casting vote goes to what your surviving parent wants. Because that's the parent who was left behind and is trying to find a way of coping.

PS My sincere condolences for your loss. I know it was 5 years ago, but it's a big loss, and I think anyone seeing a parent remarry would have all kinds of complicated feelings brought up in this situation. Be gentle with yourself, and be mindful you're not shoving all your feelings about everything up into a ball and chucking those around at any moving target.

No one makes their best decisions when they are struck by grief, and hearing about your dad getting a new wife is bound to make you have all kinds of thoughts about his first wife, and how much you miss her. I really am very sorry sorry you lost your mum, and didn't get the time you deserved to have with her.

That’s not what I was meaning actually. However, now you’ve mentioned it, yes, I think op’s dad should live his life differently because he and his deceased spouse took a joint decision not to ensure their joint child inherited at least 50% of the estate. This is what I would do anyway. In fact the most efficient way to avoid inheritance tax is to pass things over is whilst you’re still alive. So inherit everything from your spouse then immediately gift part of the estate to your child(ren).

Treachery! What absolute rot.

Good luck OP.

My husband died in 2016 and I'd take my dog to the beach through his golf club every day. The old couple that lived in a cottage in the grounds of his golf club befriended me, I saw them most days. They had both been married to different people for a long time then widowed. They met on a holiday in Tenerife in 2003, they shared a love of dancing. They were late eighties. She had moved up here from London to be with him at the age of 74.

The man had two adult children and a grandchild from his previous marriage, but when he died at Christmas 2023, his will left everything to his girlfriend. His adult children and grandson got nothing.

His girlfriend died in April this year. Her will dated January 2024 left everything to her four adult kids, her partner's children weren't mentioned. I'd felt sorry and always 'treated her' as she regularly said she didn't have any money - she left £325K.

Yes agree you can protect against it but I'm assuming OP's mother didn't