To tell my elderly father that I do have objections to him marrying his partner he met 6 months after my mother died?

[Perimomof2]

My mother died 5 years ago quite suddenly after a short illness. My dad was devastated, they’d been together 50+ years. But later the same year he announced that he’d met someone, similar age and also widowed. They have been together ever since, not exactly living together but they live close by so pretty much do everything as a couple.
My sibling and I didn’t object, he was happy enough and had been clear from the start that he wouldn’t be moving in with her or vice versa and had no intention of marrying again. We don’t particularly like her (my DF has no idea, we include her in pretty much everything) but that’s our problem, not theirs.

Fast forward 5 years, he asked me out of the blue if I had any objection to them marrying. I said I did. That it was something he said wouldn’t happen, and that if I gave them my blessing it would feel disrespectful to my DM’s memory.

Was I wrong to say this? I’m concerned that if he marries his wife will have POA around health and finances and that his estate (house and savings which were accumulated jointly with my DM) will not pass solely to his two children but to his wife who his has known for a relatively short time and will subsequently be split with her children. For context, his estate is likely to be considerably larger than hers.

Why would he be happier married to her? Because he’s decided he would be!

She saw him coming! I’d be concerned as to whose idea getting married was too!!! A LOT of elderly just bereaved people end up suddenly finding “love” and the new partner then wants to get married and they also end up with ALL the house and savings when their lot older spouse dies

There are some seriously unkind people on this thread. Op has genuine concerns about looking after her father in his dotage and the prospect of losing any future say about his welfare.

Do talk to him about all the implications for his care and financial. There are horrible cases of, for example, an elderly man needing residential care and the second wife (as next of kin or with POA) refusing to allow the man's biological adult children to visit. That is just one example of something that could happen.
I do not subscribe to the commonly expressed MN view that one should not expect any inheritance at all from one's parents. I think it is a sad state of affairs when a second wife can inherit everything, including the adult DCs biological mother's assets, leaving the adult DC with nothing - which seems to happen relatively frequently. If your DF insists on marrying this woman (and why now after 5 years of amicable co-existence?) make sure he knows that marriage invalidates any will he has made and encourage him to make a new one asap.

Hi op. Obviously don't know the whole story but you sound concerned and maybe with good reason. Do you think you could speak to your father re POA for finances and health? If he agrees to you and your sibling having this then it is only required if he is unable to make decisions for himself. Then he knows you have his best interests at heart and he can marry without you worrying.

I agree. And if my mothers assets went to another woman’s family after her death.

Its not about the money - id rather it all went to charity than to a family of relative strangers

I have worked in an area where your situation is not uncommon and sometimes it does not go well..in terms of remarrying and issues after.

What, for 5 1/2 years? She's playing the long game if she's very old as well...don't be silly.

Thank you. I really don’t think he has considered all of the implications around health and wealth. I have a good relationship with my DF so I think your proposed response wouldn’t piss him off, I think once we lay out our concerns he will consider them all.

I would have been more pissed off at the beginning of their relationship, when your mum (50 years marriage) had passed away and he couldnt wait a year for the next one! Not 5 years later in the relationship YABU

Being married doesn’t automatically give their spouse LPOA. After 6 months I get it, but after 5 years maybe it’s time to rethink? His will and choice of LPOA can be re written according to his wishes, presumabing he is of sound mind.

….you’re not required to see. Why isnt it enough for you that he wants to?

And I did voice my concerns that it was very soon to be moving on when it happened. But at the time he was clear that he had no land to remarry or move in together.

What you're worried about is exactly what happened with my Grandfather. Most of his assets were actually my grandmother's (all the paintings, jewelry etc). Granny died, he remarried a woman his kid's age. Then he died and she has everything - stuff that was in my granny's family for years and years including portraits of her ancestors - all will end up with her daughters from a previous marriage.

I know on Mumsnet you're meant to pretend there is nothing wrong with this and that Im a grabby bitch for being slightly sad about my grandmother's things being ciphoned off to women who never even met her.

He was lonely obv

That is yet to be determined. I will be seeing him next week and hope to better understand the motivating factors once we have discussed it in more detail.

Are you married @Perimomof2?

I had similar situation with MIL.One solution is to make a will,leave everything in Trust to the wife for her lifetime,and then it will come to you.Unfortunately,my FIL did not do this.

Hmmm hes just a typical man then. Hopefully he has done the right thing and made his will out to his children, not her.

OP I agree. I wouldn't like this at all. Marriage is a legally binding commitment and frankly it does risk what should rightly be passed down to you as his children. I'd find this really distressing. Being really honest here.

Exactly. It's not about not receiving an inheritance yourself, it's about some random strangers being given a one up in life due to my Mother's hard work without having done anything to deserve it and against her wishes. I'd rather see it go to a charity she supported.

On the flip side if I was one of the children of this potential wife to be I'd feel like a freeloader knowing I would inherit something that should be going to the OP.

@Perimomof2 as a matter of interest how old is he?
I'm in a relationship with a widower. Personally I wouldn't take a penny from his children or grandchildren. I understand entirely though that some people wouldn't hesitate a friend of mine lost any inheritance exactly for the reasons you fear.
I have my own house and savings to bequeathed to my 2 dcs and over my dead body would I or he, risk them losing that.
We've actually never even spoke about marriage and even though he has a lot more than me in assets I would want a foolhardy will. Maybe he could do that?

You sound worried about heirlooms which is completely understandable and very sad what happened

😂totally grabby. The number of post about money vs health you have made are an indicator of your true worries.

I think it’s naive to think that adults don’t have this conversation before marrying when complex family dynamics are involved.

DH and I are married for the second time, he has kids, I don’t and I came to the marriage with considerably more assets than him and we have built up joint assets in the time we are together.

Every time his adult children make reference (more regularly than you’d hope) to how much they will inherit it makes my ethical side want to shrink up and slap them in the face with nothing when we both pass.

We have both never inherited a single penny and fully expect both sets of parents to pass spending all their money on care bills. All of the mental arithmetics that my Stepchildren regularly trot out make my blood boil quite frankly.

I can see your angle on this OP but 5 years in is a long time in an adult relationship and a heavy investment from both sides don’t assume she’s gold digging just because you are.