To tell my elderly father that I do have objections to him marrying his partner he met 6 months after my mother died?

[Perimomof2]

My mother died 5 years ago quite suddenly after a short illness. My dad was devastated, they’d been together 50+ years. But later the same year he announced that he’d met someone, similar age and also widowed. They have been together ever since, not exactly living together but they live close by so pretty much do everything as a couple.
My sibling and I didn’t object, he was happy enough and had been clear from the start that he wouldn’t be moving in with her or vice versa and had no intention of marrying again. We don’t particularly like her (my DF has no idea, we include her in pretty much everything) but that’s our problem, not theirs.

Fast forward 5 years, he asked me out of the blue if I had any objection to them marrying. I said I did. That it was something he said wouldn’t happen, and that if I gave them my blessing it would feel disrespectful to my DM’s memory.

Was I wrong to say this? I’m concerned that if he marries his wife will have POA around health and finances and that his estate (house and savings which were accumulated jointly with my DM) will not pass solely to his two children but to his wife who his has known for a relatively short time and will subsequently be split with her children. For context, his estate is likely to be considerably larger than hers.

Got a similar situation with FIL. However he and his partner have made separate wills so Dh and his brother will inherit their Dads assets and her Son will inherit her assets. Basically no one's missing out. I hope you can discuss doing something similar with your Dad. It's just common sense really. I'd feel the same if it was my Mum. There is no way I would want her partners children getting anything of what my Dad worked for before he died. If indeed there is anything. I don't know. But I would be wanting it, end of.

And, yes, that is what I've told my mum, spend the lot on the best care, and I've also told her to make provision for her partner. He's doing the day-to-day role of being a supportive partner and keeping her happy, that's priceless at this age. Same with my dad's wife, she deserves a medal for putting up with him, and definitely most if not all of his money.

A poster who has trampled over her own father's happiness to ensure she lines her pockets.

Nobody needs to get married at any age but lots of us choose to. He has as much right as anyone else.

Factually. It is his.

If something happened to me tomorrow, I'd want to know my 50% went to my kids, I wouldn't want them cut out by DH's potential new spouse and my share left to the new spouses children. I'd be surprised if posters here would want any different, despite calling the OP grabby.

Yes I’ve worked hard and saved hard for my kids future. If I die tomorrow and my husband remarries and then he dies , everything we’ve done to secure our kids futures could potentially go down the pan! Too right its selfish.

You are not being unreasonable. We farm, and I've seen some cases where the old widower remarries in his golden years, and the new wife's adult children get installed and farmer's adult children are pushed out. It makes me think of cuckoos.
You can be perfectly happy being with someone without getting married. If you were saying you didn't want him with her at all, then that would be different.

What's wrong with your kids? Why can't they look after themselves? We all look out for our kids and do the best for them but putting your life on hold for them is ridiculous unless there is a reason why the kids cannot fend for themselves. Mine will inherit from me but they don't need it. They're well adjusted, hard working young people who will successfully get through life financially whether they inherit or not. Inheritance is a bonus not a birthright.

Might not be a birthright but Yes it's A bonus. A HUGE Bonus! And certainly not one I would want going to someone else.

I stand to inherit my Mum's estate when she dies. I don't want her going anytime soon, I love her and I need her. Very much so. Will the cash from her estate benefit me? Hell to the fucking yes it will! Do I necessarily need it? No, I don't. But I sure as shit do not want it going to any potential partner she may have. Fuck that! If that makes me selfish and grabby then that's what I am.

And as a couple of previous posters have pointed out. Look at what happened to Lynda Bellingham's sons when she died. Disgraceful.

Are you married OP?

Yep and as a mother I want what I’ve worked for to go to my kids not a strangers children. In France it’s pretty much the law that a deceased persons estate is ,in part ,ring fenced for children. The spouse usually stays in the house to the end of their life ( or can rent it and reap the benefit) or sell it and buy something else but the deceased persons share of the property belongs to the children. This is what me and my DH have done as wills.

OP, you were totally in your rights to answer your DF honestly. I think you should now approach him and ask him what would be his plans for his estate if he were to marry.

As PP has said if he is capable of marriage, he is capable of making a will that considers everyone.

What is wrong with having these conversations? It may be because we don’t have them that causes many problems.

We speak about our wills with our ADC and have our POAs in place.

Situations change and Wills get changed which is why we need to have these open and honest conversations with our closest family every now and then.

People need to educate themselves on Will
making because there are provisions which can make assets, property and money untouchable. My DSis did, thankfully!

But you can make a will ensuring that. I know of a couple who marred in their 60s after the first wife died. They were " tenants in common" on the house and she left " her" half to the kids with the proviso her DH could live in it for life. After his death when it was sold the 50 percent ( which was originally hers) goes to the kids. The other 50 percent is up to the husband what he does with it

Agree. The thought that our dc would be denied, if I died and Dh remarried, that then his wife and her dc got my share, and not our dc, is scary.

The number of people on this thread who are ignorant of wills to protect inheritance is staggering. It’s basic stuff.

This is precisely what many posters have been saying!

But OP’s dad needs to be made aware of what he needs to do. As it is he seems to be walking into marriage without considering the implications.

Those who consider her grabby for wanting to raise this clearly have not considered that the dead wife would almost certainly have wanted her share of marital assets to go to her children - rather than the children of a new wife.

It doesn’t quite work like that.

DH and I are “tenants in common”. We have a will such as you describe. But if I died, DH would theoretically be able to sell the half that is held in trust for our children and use the proceeds. They have to agree, but the law says they cannot reasonably withhold their consent.

I imagine it’s easier to say you have no objections to him marrying for love and companionship but mind very much the new Mrs taking any financial benefit from a marriage and wealth he built with your mum. Please make sure that sister and I do not end risking seeing the new Mrs take it. Leave a proper will. If that new Mrs doesn’t like it…. That should be ringing alarm bells. She’s old enough to to have been accumulating her own nest egg.

Much of your OP make you send unreasonable and even irrational.

I can well understand your concerns about any inheritance potentially being split between you and the children of his new wife (or you even being left out wholesale). That is a legitimate concern.

If you're going to speak it to your father about this though, I'd be honest about the root of your concerns rather than framing it around disrespecting your mother's memory and him breaking an undertaking not to remarry that he made he took when newly bereaved. That's the part that makes you sound irrational.

Even if he doesn’t marry her, he may want to provide for her with respect to care in her old age if he isn’t around anymore. Would that be a problem for you too op?

Depends how you set up the trust. My trusts do not have my spouse as a trustee so that adds another layer of protection.

Have some respect for your father OP. This is someone he loves and if he wants to spend the rest of his life, including end of life with her, then a marriage certificate will make it much easier if one needs to help the other manage medical care or end of life care. Can you give an actual reason why you think tat THEY would be better off not married? And I mean a reason for THEM!

There are lots of things that are easier if you’re married. Someone asked you upthread if you were married yourself. Did I miss your answer?

I’m totally with you, although as I posted, after my grandad died his wife changed the will to benefit only his wife’s niece. Nothing of what my grandad and grandma built went to their children. To paint a picture. Ince, her niece walked into the house and out of nowhere says. ‘Of course when you and him die, this will all be mine’ I kid you not 🤦🏻‍♀️ so sad. She didn’t even like her niece. Unbelievable