To tell my elderly father that I do have objections to him marrying his partner he met 6 months after my mother died?

[Perimomof2]

My mother died 5 years ago quite suddenly after a short illness. My dad was devastated, they’d been together 50+ years. But later the same year he announced that he’d met someone, similar age and also widowed. They have been together ever since, not exactly living together but they live close by so pretty much do everything as a couple.
My sibling and I didn’t object, he was happy enough and had been clear from the start that he wouldn’t be moving in with her or vice versa and had no intention of marrying again. We don’t particularly like her (my DF has no idea, we include her in pretty much everything) but that’s our problem, not theirs.

Fast forward 5 years, he asked me out of the blue if I had any objection to them marrying. I said I did. That it was something he said wouldn’t happen, and that if I gave them my blessing it would feel disrespectful to my DM’s memory.

Was I wrong to say this? I’m concerned that if he marries his wife will have POA around health and finances and that his estate (house and savings which were accumulated jointly with my DM) will not pass solely to his two children but to his wife who his has known for a relatively short time and will subsequently be split with her children. For context, his estate is likely to be considerably larger than hers.

I do see it’s tricky, but they have been a couple for five years. Lots of marriages don’t last that long. Since the OP has said she and her sibling don’t like her (and she’ll know that) it would be weird for them to step in as NOK if anything happened to their DF. Marriage would address that.

Why is that an issue?

If I were ever to remarry I would completely expect my spouse to play that role rather than my kids. I'd be pissed if they didn't respect that.

Both my parents are remarried, and I fully expect their spouses to have final say with these things.

This has got nothing to do with your mum, be honest!

You’re being very selfish because you’re not thinking about his best interests but only your own.

What is the point of remarrying so late in life I just don’t get it. Why can’t they just live together and be happy about being together. I always feel that if they remarry so late in life that it’s because one wants what the other has and can only get it via marriage.

They have 80 year old values

and some people like being married

So no OP I don’t think you’re being unreasonable

I just think the only point for them to get married is for her to get her hands on his money.

There is absolutely no need at all otherwise to get married. No need at all.

There is every reason giving their age

she has her own money op
said

Agree with this. My husband’s 80 year old dad has just married someone he met 18 months ago, who is an absolute monster of a woman. His mum would absolutely not want her money going to this awful woman rather than her sons. It’s incredibly selfish behaviour from FIL. The woman he has married is incredibly manipulative and nasty and lies a lot for no reason so that may have a bearing on how we all feel about things. But it seems absolutely pointless and unnecessary and is going to make things difficult for those left behind (FIL has cancer).

I would never ever remarry someone with less to offer financially than myself.

I would never ever want to entertain the possibility of my DC losing their inheritance that I’ve worked hard to create for them and my DGC.

These widowed lonely elderly men do get full advantage taken of them by so called 80 year old ‘morals’ of needing to get married to share a bed

But that does not stop her wanting his as well ! For her family if not for herself .

I don’t know why people assume the women will always want to grab the money!

there is a way to do this legally so all are protected

It must be a generational thing with regards to PP thinking getting married at 80 is necessary

it really isn’t necessary at all

In your view

obviously in their it is and I can totally understand why

Why then ?

If the lady concerned has her own property and the dad has his, then there's no financial inequality, and it may be the woman dies first and the OP inherits the woman's money (assuming no wills). Neither is risking that much if they are fairly enqually matched, they want to be married and I guess live together. My guess is they will indeed make wills to favour their own children as she has children too and will want them to inherit her house.

If my children tell me not to remarry so as to secure their inheritance, I'll tell them to jog on. I am securing their inheritance because I choose to do so, but this grabby behaviour and not seeing the elderly person as still a person (why should they NOT marry, they are still alive, they want to live til the last minute!) but just a vessel to an inheritance is deeply unpleasant.

It’s about identity and how you view yourself and relations

some people it’s generational

some people get a feeling of wellbeing from being married

if you've been a wife or husband for 50 years your identity may be tied to it and you feel happier being married

think “last tango in Halifax”

there is a really good explanation up thread

Even at 80? It’s usually advised to have poa for someone younger in place by then ( even if you’ve been married forever) because if you become incapacitated , which could happen to both of you ( dementia being the obvious example but other illnesses too or just very old age) it is hellish for the family to support you without it ( paying bills etc)

Not the woman necessarily but the person with less cash has more to gain by marrying . The op said the wife is likely to have a considerably smaller estate .

@Elsvieta Yes, when my late SM became ill and had an operation to try and remove the cancer, her family arranged her post-operative care and later arranged her hospice care when the cancer returned. My Dad was part of the conversation, but they had POA. He was relieved as he was also in his 80’s and it would’ve been a lot for him to organize.

She doesn’t even know yet that he hasn’t already sorted it legally

Because as a recent PP has shown, its not always the second wife/husband who wants the money but their kids.

Some people turn in to absolute slavering monster when they whiff a bit of money after a death. I have seen it in my own family. Some members of my family went to my Uncles house after his wifes death and had practically taken shopping trolleys with them. They were only related to her through his (third) marriage to her) and were trying to get the good stuff before her own kids got there. Its disgusting.

Absolutely. It would totally be my DH who is also the father of my children so it’s easier anyway as decisions would be made together. By the time we get to 80 we will have power of attorney in place for our kids though. .

Exactly

I am widowed and find this thread quite sad.
OP's father would like to marry his partner of 5 years. She is the same age as he is, with property and children of her own.
How much better it would be to be glad for her father.
Of course OP has concerns about her inheritance and decisions about her dad's health and finance. She would do well to get alongside her dad and the woman he now loves (loving someone new doesn't mean you don't still love the memory of your late spouse). They can talk about how best to safeguard the future for his family and for hers. I'm sure everyone wants this - after all, she's the same age and might die first!
I hope my children will be more supportive of the choices that I make, should I decide to remarry one day.

Thanking this post

sums it up perfectly