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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my elderly father that I do have objections to him marrying his partner he met 6 months after my mother died?

483 replies

Perimomof2 · 29/11/2025 19:02

My mother died 5 years ago quite suddenly after a short illness. My dad was devastated, they’d been together 50+ years. But later the same year he announced that he’d met someone, similar age and also widowed. They have been together ever since, not exactly living together but they live close by so pretty much do everything as a couple.
My sibling and I didn’t object, he was happy enough and had been clear from the start that he wouldn’t be moving in with her or vice versa and had no intention of marrying again. We don’t particularly like her (my DF has no idea, we include her in pretty much everything) but that’s our problem, not theirs.

Fast forward 5 years, he asked me out of the blue if I had any objection to them marrying. I said I did. That it was something he said wouldn’t happen, and that if I gave them my blessing it would feel disrespectful to my DM’s memory.

Was I wrong to say this? I’m concerned that if he marries his wife will have POA around health and finances and that his estate (house and savings which were accumulated jointly with my DM) will not pass solely to his two children but to his wife who his has known for a relatively short time and will subsequently be split with her children. For context, his estate is likely to be considerably larger than hers.

OP posts:
mullers1977 · 30/11/2025 19:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Tarteaucitronmerinquee · 30/11/2025 19:34

Ohpleeeease · 30/11/2025 19:05

There are lots of things that are easier if you’re married. Someone asked you upthread if you were married yourself. Did I miss your answer?

Like what when you are getting married again at 80?

Tarteaucitronmerinquee · 30/11/2025 19:37

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

You don’t need to be married though you can still live with someone . Actually you can also be lonely in a marriage. I spent alot of time worrying about my parent who wasn’t very happily remarried.

TheignT · 30/11/2025 20:09

Tarteaucitronmerinquee · 30/11/2025 19:37

You don’t need to be married though you can still live with someone . Actually you can also be lonely in a marriage. I spent alot of time worrying about my parent who wasn’t very happily remarried.

Someone in. their 80s grew up in a time when you did have to be married to live together. Times have changed but it can be hard when you've grown up with certain expectations.

TheignT · 30/11/2025 20:13

Oblomov25 · 30/11/2025 17:16

Agree. The thought that our dc would be denied, if I died and Dh remarried, that then his wife and her dc got my share, and not our dc, is scary.

All you need to do is make a will. No need to be scared.

TheignT · 30/11/2025 20:16

MNLurker1345 · 30/11/2025 16:59

OP, you were totally in your rights to answer your DF honestly. I think you should now approach him and ask him what would be his plans for his estate if he were to marry.

As PP has said if he is capable of marriage, he is capable of making a will that considers everyone.

What is wrong with having these conversations? It may be because we don’t have them that causes many problems.

We speak about our wills with our ADC and have our POAs in place.

Situations change and Wills get changed which is why we need to have these open and honest conversations with our closest family every now and then.

People need to educate themselves on Will
making because there are provisions which can make assets, property and money untouchable. My DSis did, thankfully!

The time to have the conversation was when he asked. Having said she isn't happy and then going back about inheritance is a bit tacky and he could feel if she doesn't care about his feelings why should he care about her possible inheritance.

Doggielovelouie · 30/11/2025 20:19

I can’t believe people can’t see why they want to be married

it means so many things to different people

also 80 year olds aren’t used to just living together usually

MNLurker1345 · 30/11/2025 20:27

@TheignT, I totally agree. Missed opportunity but it’s her dad. Tacky or not she should do it!

Ohpleeeease · 30/11/2025 20:29

Tarteaucitronmerinquee · 30/11/2025 19:34

Like what when you are getting married again at 80?

Like being treated as next of kin in the event of illness or death.

Tarteaucitronmerinquee · 30/11/2025 20:30

TheignT · 30/11/2025 20:09

Someone in. their 80s grew up in a time when you did have to be married to live together. Times have changed but it can be hard when you've grown up with certain expectations.

I’m not so sure of that. I know loads of people of this age that have lived with partners after a divorce or becoming widows. People who are 80 now were young in the 70s/80s it was hardly Victorian Britain ! Of course OP’s dad should ( and probably will) do what he wants though .

Doggielovelouie · 30/11/2025 20:30

Tarteaucitronmerinquee · 30/11/2025 20:30

I’m not so sure of that. I know loads of people of this age that have lived with partners after a divorce or becoming widows. People who are 80 now were young in the 70s/80s it was hardly Victorian Britain ! Of course OP’s dad should ( and probably will) do what he wants though .

I grew up in the 70s and 80s my parents split mid 70s and it was a huge scandal in the town (in london) where we lived as nobody just lived together - it was massively shameful

I was first and only child in class to have divorced parents - there was one other girl later whose mum had a boyfriend and she was severely frowned on - it’s the opposite now! Whose parents are together is the more unusual

70s was still a time of walking up the town everyday to butcher baker and candlestick maker - women at home dependent on men financially

Tarteaucitronmerinquee · 30/11/2025 20:31

Ohpleeeease · 30/11/2025 20:29

Like being treated as next of kin in the event of illness or death.

Rather than your son or daughter ?

Doggielovelouie · 30/11/2025 20:34

Tarteaucitronmerinquee · 30/11/2025 20:31

Rather than your son or daughter ?

I think most people want their spouses to be - couples generally defer to each other not their kids - if their serious and getting married

HighlyUnusual · 30/11/2025 20:35

Ohpleeeease · 30/11/2025 20:29

Like being treated as next of kin in the event of illness or death.

As someone else has said, although you can be consulted as a family member, it's the POA that counts (the Health one) if the person has lost mental capacity and a best interests decision needs to be taken.

The OP should chat with her dad about POA, often people prefer a younger generation person to have it and he may well do anyway- or he might prefer his partner to have it for different reasons, the OP should discuss this openly.

POA for Health is important but separate from POA for finances (this could be held by the same person or someone different).

Often family members will be consulted when someone is very ill or end of life care, but the decision rests with the person with PoA or the treating clinician (or the court if there are issues).

If you don't want all the money you have made going to a new woman on your death you can make a will now with trust arrangements for this.

Personally I'm happy for my parents' new partners to have the bulk of their assets but that's different because they've been with them over 20 years. I also think if you are doing hands-on day-to-day care for someone, that's very difficult, and I'd be glad someone else was sharing that burden (especially if the woman is a little younger). My dad married someone 10 years younger and I'll be delighted if she cares for him and gets their shared flat at the end of it. I know both my parents have thought this through and made wills which give us some money whilst recognising the long partnerships/marriage they are in now.

Doggielovelouie · 30/11/2025 20:36

There are a lot of NOK events before you lose capacity

SunshineCatcher · 30/11/2025 20:41

My Mum died very unexpectedly, and then my Dad re married pretty quickly afterwards. He too said that he wouldn’t re marry as him and my Mum were married for such a long time. Unfortunately he died and everything was left to his wife. She brought practically nothing financially to the table. My Dad had a long and very well paid career. He said that he was going to trust her to leave me a third of the estate, and this would also be split with her 2 children from a previous marriage. She stopped speaking to me the minute Dad died. It’s obvious she has absolutely no intention whatsoever of leaving me anything. There’s no point letting it get to me as I want to enjoy my life. I really hope that it doesn’t happen to you too though.

Doggielovelouie · 30/11/2025 20:43

SunshineCatcher · 30/11/2025 20:41

My Mum died very unexpectedly, and then my Dad re married pretty quickly afterwards. He too said that he wouldn’t re marry as him and my Mum were married for such a long time. Unfortunately he died and everything was left to his wife. She brought practically nothing financially to the table. My Dad had a long and very well paid career. He said that he was going to trust her to leave me a third of the estate, and this would also be split with her 2 children from a previous marriage. She stopped speaking to me the minute Dad died. It’s obvious she has absolutely no intention whatsoever of leaving me anything. There’s no point letting it get to me as I want to enjoy my life. I really hope that it doesn’t happen to you too though.

That’s sad your dad left it too trust

it must be a terrible feeling

Tarteaucitronmerinquee · 30/11/2025 20:44

Oblomov25 · 30/11/2025 17:16

Agree. The thought that our dc would be denied, if I died and Dh remarried, that then his wife and her dc got my share, and not our dc, is scary.

go to a solicitor get advice and make a will . Then there’ll be no need to scared .

Ohpleeeease · 30/11/2025 20:44

Tarteaucitronmerinquee · 30/11/2025 20:31

Rather than your son or daughter ?

If you are living with them, yes.

Doggielovelouie · 30/11/2025 20:47

Ohpleeeease · 30/11/2025 20:44

If you are living with them, yes.

He’s not

Tarteaucitronmerinquee · 30/11/2025 20:50

Ohpleeeease · 30/11/2025 20:44

If you are living with them, yes.

Maybe you’re right I dunno Îve been married for decades so yes it would be my DH ( though at some point we need to to poa for our kids) but after 80 many but not everyone ‘s cognitive capacity declines . This could happen to either of them tbh. If I were to be remarrying at 80 ( i wouldn’t but that’s just me) it would be my kids as next of kin/poa.

SunshineCatcher · 30/11/2025 20:51

Doggielovelouie · 30/11/2025 20:43

That’s sad your dad left it too trust

it must be a terrible feeling

It’s sad that she isn’t going to uphold my Dad’s wishes. The fact that he trusted her enough to do that, and then she just stopped talking to me the minute he passed. Being bitter doesn’t fix anything though so there’s just no point.

SereneLilac · 30/11/2025 20:57

It's vitally important that health and financial issues are openly discussed, and that a solicitor is engaged to draw up binding documentation before they are married.

My father remarried a few years after my mother's sudden death. Both he and his partner agreed that their estates should be kept separate and that only their own children would inherit. They sold their houses (hers was very small) and he bought a new one for them both which we, his children, would inherit. She gave most of the proceeds of hers to her sons as an early inheritance. So far so good.

However...my dad decided that if he died first, she would be allowed to live in the new house till she died, when it should be sold and the proceeds given to my siblings and me. His solicitor advised against this due to long experience dealing with these kinds of situations, my dad got on his high horse ( how dare you suggest my wife and her family are dishonest etc) and they fell out over it. They'd been friends for nearly 40 years. And that is how it was left.

A few years later came the boom in house prices. Her sons in their wisdom decided that she should never have sold her house when she did, because if she had waited they would have got a lot more money. So they told my Dad they wanted him to make up the difference. Bear in mind that these were two very wealthy men at the top of their professions. They really didn't need this money, but they had convinced themselves they were entitled to it. He, trying to keep the peace, agreed after much hoohah that he would leave a sum in his will for them.

My siblings were hoping that Dad was bluffing, but he did indeed die a few years later, and he had left them the money. My sisters were furious, and never quite got over it. Then we had to wait and see what would happen with the house. She died a couple of years later and her sons did sell the house and we got the proceeds. However, their solicitor's fee was astronomical. One of the sons was a solicitor and my sisters were convinced he'd done some kind of a deal to get something for himself. I really don't know if this was the case, but they did take a ridiculous amount, and by this stage I was so fed up with the whole shebang I had no interest in prolonging it.

Anyway, the point of this long post is that you can NEVER take for granted in these situations that everything will be straightforward and that the other parties involved will behave decently. Nor can you anticipate what may happen; her sons bullying my dad for money was not anything I could ever have imagined. My mother must have been rolling in her grave. But my father was blinded by his grief and his need for a companion.

And for those scolding the OP...it's not about the money, it's about family loyalty and legacy. He may have found a new wife, but all those years with his first wife and his children must be honoured. To not do so is cruel.

Doggielovelouie · 30/11/2025 20:58

SunshineCatcher · 30/11/2025 20:51

It’s sad that she isn’t going to uphold my Dad’s wishes. The fact that he trusted her enough to do that, and then she just stopped talking to me the minute he passed. Being bitter doesn’t fix anything though so there’s just no point.

I know what you mean

my
mum left a spiteful
will

you just have to take it that was their decision and only theirs

that is awful though - not honouring your dads wishes

Doggielovelouie · 30/11/2025 21:01

SereneLilac · 30/11/2025 20:57

It's vitally important that health and financial issues are openly discussed, and that a solicitor is engaged to draw up binding documentation before they are married.

My father remarried a few years after my mother's sudden death. Both he and his partner agreed that their estates should be kept separate and that only their own children would inherit. They sold their houses (hers was very small) and he bought a new one for them both which we, his children, would inherit. She gave most of the proceeds of hers to her sons as an early inheritance. So far so good.

However...my dad decided that if he died first, she would be allowed to live in the new house till she died, when it should be sold and the proceeds given to my siblings and me. His solicitor advised against this due to long experience dealing with these kinds of situations, my dad got on his high horse ( how dare you suggest my wife and her family are dishonest etc) and they fell out over it. They'd been friends for nearly 40 years. And that is how it was left.

A few years later came the boom in house prices. Her sons in their wisdom decided that she should never have sold her house when she did, because if she had waited they would have got a lot more money. So they told my Dad they wanted him to make up the difference. Bear in mind that these were two very wealthy men at the top of their professions. They really didn't need this money, but they had convinced themselves they were entitled to it. He, trying to keep the peace, agreed after much hoohah that he would leave a sum in his will for them.

My siblings were hoping that Dad was bluffing, but he did indeed die a few years later, and he had left them the money. My sisters were furious, and never quite got over it. Then we had to wait and see what would happen with the house. She died a couple of years later and her sons did sell the house and we got the proceeds. However, their solicitor's fee was astronomical. One of the sons was a solicitor and my sisters were convinced he'd done some kind of a deal to get something for himself. I really don't know if this was the case, but they did take a ridiculous amount, and by this stage I was so fed up with the whole shebang I had no interest in prolonging it.

Anyway, the point of this long post is that you can NEVER take for granted in these situations that everything will be straightforward and that the other parties involved will behave decently. Nor can you anticipate what may happen; her sons bullying my dad for money was not anything I could ever have imagined. My mother must have been rolling in her grave. But my father was blinded by his grief and his need for a companion.

And for those scolding the OP...it's not about the money, it's about family loyalty and legacy. He may have found a new wife, but all those years with his first wife and his children must be honoured. To not do so is cruel.

When my husband and ours sorted ours out - my husband kept saying to the solicitor “my boys would never…”

the solicitor just said “with all due respect sir we are taking the trust out of it today”

I could have kissed him

guess what when he died they did behave badly!!!

rose tinted glasses

I always thought if they didn’t act up their wives would!