To tell my elderly father that I do have objections to him marrying his partner he met 6 months after my mother died?

[Perimomof2]

My mother died 5 years ago quite suddenly after a short illness. My dad was devastated, they’d been together 50+ years. But later the same year he announced that he’d met someone, similar age and also widowed. They have been together ever since, not exactly living together but they live close by so pretty much do everything as a couple.
My sibling and I didn’t object, he was happy enough and had been clear from the start that he wouldn’t be moving in with her or vice versa and had no intention of marrying again. We don’t particularly like her (my DF has no idea, we include her in pretty much everything) but that’s our problem, not theirs.

Fast forward 5 years, he asked me out of the blue if I had any objection to them marrying. I said I did. That it was something he said wouldn’t happen, and that if I gave them my blessing it would feel disrespectful to my DM’s memory.

Was I wrong to say this? I’m concerned that if he marries his wife will have POA around health and finances and that his estate (house and savings which were accumulated jointly with my DM) will not pass solely to his two children but to his wife who his has known for a relatively short time and will subsequently be split with her children. For context, his estate is likely to be considerably larger than hers.

YANBU.
It’s lovely that he’s got a companion to save him from being lonely but he doesn’t need to marry her, for goodness’ sake. Whatever your parents have built up between them needs to come to you and your siblings.

@Younginside I am a widow and feel just the same. Life is for the living. Nothing wrong with having conversations about PoA and inheritances, I've had them with both my parents, one remarried, one not remarried, but more than anything I am happy that they have life partners again and are not sad and by themselves. I hope my children will think likewise and I will remarry if I want to, because as a widow or widower you aren't just a vessel for the past, but a real person who also has to carry on living whilst carrying that bereavement! I have secured my children's inheritances though, as that is also my life's work but it isn't connected with marrying per se. This thread has been an eye-opener, and not in a good way.

Being married is an intensely romantic experience, IMO. If you don't want to marry, don't. Don't expect everyone else not to marry though so you can get your hands on their money before it's even been spent in their own lifetime and they are not dead! Perhaps the dad cares about his partner and wants to make it official, including advantaging her in his lifetime for her care needs. That's something I'd want to do if I loved someone else.

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Of course, you are right ! Wishing you the best.

as a widow or widower you aren't just a vessel for the past, but a real person who also has to carry on living whilst carrying that bereavement

Beautifully put.
I've been disgusted by some of the responses here about there being "no need" to marry, as if the wants and wishes of the widow/widower are nothing.

I can see both sides. On one hand he deserves to be happy and if getting remarried to his partner of quite a few years helps make him happy it would be very unreasonable of you to get in the way of that. On the other I'd be peeved at the potential for my deceased parents assets to go the other parents new spouse and stepchildren if that parent was to pass away before their spouse. When my grandad died everything went to his new wife, she didn't even let us have something personal of his and all his assets and his personal items will eventually go to her children. I would ask for your father to at least protect your mothers assets so that they are passed to you and your sibling instead of his partner.

Mad, isn't it? You go to a solicitor for advice because he or she has years of experience with these issues, then insist your situation will be different 🤷‍♀️

Its what the OPs late mum should've done really

I think that a lot of people are coming to this from the POV of the mother. How would she feel if the money she worked and saved for her kids ended up going to the children of her husbands second wife? Given the statistics of women vastly outliving men, its more likely that he will go first.

I would be devastated to think that that would happen if it were me, which is one reason I have decided to never remarry.

That doesnt mean that no one should remarry after widowhood but that any assets left by the deceased spouse should be protected for their children. Sadly often love and trust are used instead of legal protection and sometimes that trust is abused (as evidenced on this thread). You have done the right thing by protecting your assets (and I am sure you know that any will is invalidated by marriage so would need to be updated), but many dont. As I said they trust that "X will look after you, dont worry" only for X to pass the money onto their own children and leave rightful heirs out.

As for feeling that she is conflicted about the marriage as she loves her dad but it would make her feel disloyal to her mum, well thats understandable. Perhaps if there was a better relationship with the new partner she would be more positive but if there is discord then its understandable that she would feel ambivalent about it.

People in their 80s came of age in the swinging sixties. Free love and all that!

Numerous threads on MN show the same attitude towards men.

of course you are being (very) unreasonable. Your father was widowed 5-years-ago. He is entitled to be happy with someone else. It’s none of your business. Would it influence your decisions if he didn’t like your partner? Bloody hell, save us from entitled adult children.

My eldest is disabled and will never be independent so obviously things will be put in place to take care of him. My other children are hardworking adults however it’s our choice to make sure their futures will be a little easier. Everything we do is for them. I don’t care how anyone else does it. This is something that is important to me and I’d be fuming if my husband ever put their inheritance at risk.

I get how hard it must be but I’d hate my dad to be lonely so I’d be supportive while asking him to get legal advice re his will.

So have you made your own will so if you die first that your share of assets goes to your children?

Same here. Our wishes are in place and if the one that remains is elderly and their discernment is a bit unbalanced due to that or just due to new found love( which I would certainly hope for for my DH) our kids inheritance is protected. It wont be huge but it’s what we’ve worked for.

Agree. As a parent I’ve arranged for “my half” of certain assets to be ringfenced for my kids. If you die before doing that then maybe you’re happy for your surviving spouse to decide.

Either way, good luck to this man and his future wife. Why would his offspring have any say in what he does with his assets?!

Well I'm 72 and I can assure shotgun weddings were very real, I attended a couple. Living together was disapproved of when I was late teens early 29s then it started to relax. Yes some people did it but it was very different to now and clearly to the 80 something year old marriage is important. It isn't for anyone else to tell him or his partner how they should feel.

I don't think the OP said he's 80, I think she said in his 80s. If he's 89 he came of age in the 50s and it wasn't free love at all. I came of age, if you mean 18, in 1971 and there was still a lot of disapproval of free love. There was a salvation army unmarried mother's home just round the corner from where I lived and I can assure you those girls suffered for their "sin" I used to hear them in the phonebox begging to be allowed to bring their baby home. From their sobs it was obvious what the answer was.

That’s heartbreaking! You’re very strong to take the stance you have ❤️

Coming of age was 21 in those days. You're probably too young to know that. And I did say that he was in his 80s, not 80 - if he was 85 now, he would have been 21 in 1961 - just before the Beatles arrived.

Many people on this site give the impression that those in their 80s & 90s lived in Victorian times - I'm trying to inject a bit of reality

The sentence that stands out to me from the OP is:

I told my dad “If I gave them my blessing it would feel disrespectful to my DM’s memory.”

What a cruel thing to say to a man, over 5 years after his wife’s death 😞

I genuinely believe that some people think widows/widowers should mourn and wear black and be sad for the rest of their lives.

A person moving forward with their lives after their partner dying is not a sign of disrespect to the departed and what a burden to put on an old man’s shoulders saying that it is. ☹️

Yes, you're being very unreasonable. You're using your own mothers memory to emotionally manipulate your father because you're worried you will lose out on his money. It's pretty low behaviour.