Dh won't let me follow his strava , I think he is secretly training for a marathon,. Should I enter too?

[Sheepondrugs]

My dh's school friend is running a marathon next year. I suspect dh is planning to run it with him , although he hasn't said this to me. But dh didn't accept my follow request on strava , which suggests to me that he has something to hide.

Those who look at my previous posts will see I had issues with my dh making a big charade about the Run Through website not letting him sign up when he already was registered and already secretly had a 10k booked. ( which has long been and gone) .

I was very angry about all that , but I'm using my energy to focus on my fitness and I'm gradually increasing my distance. I'm thinking of signing up to the same event, either the half or the full marathon as I want to the accomplishment of completing one myself.

The issue is dh is just going to magically expect me to be available for childcare that day , isn't he.

A marathon takes serious commitment - 3/4 hour training runs once a week in the later stages then a copule more here and there per week, with strength sessions built in too. You can’t just opt for either a half or full on a whim.

Either sign up for the full marathon and let him know you’re training for it (it’ll be obvious anyways from the amount of running you’ll be doing in the weeks before it) or don’t.

Sounds like you’re taking the same approach to the 10k he did behind your back but this distance is a whole new ball game.

Its hard to get a sense of who is wrong and who is right on this thread, feels like many shades of grey.

DH added me on Strava so I can see his runs, he is uber competitive and loves talking about his achievements. I am a lot slower than him and frankly don’t want people to see or comment on my times, so I am not on it. DH also started doing parkrun because I do it and it’s hard not to let it suck out the joy when he complains about his slow times and he is at least 10-15 minutes faster than me. So I get the potential motivation for keeping things quiet.
But sneaking in runs by taking time off work and entering into a race in secret or at the last minute is deceitful when you have young DCs and spare time is in short supply.
Whatever the truth of it, it sounds like a deeply unhappy marriage.

Haven't read the whole thread, but this post nails it

But it's grossly, grossly unfair for their childcare arrangements to be set up in such a way that one partner can access events that they both want to attend, whilst the other partner has to miss out or beg for permission. The "Premium" days (ones where these events take place) need to be shared equally between them.

OP says she thinks as an "us". So what is she doing to ensure her DH has access to his half of these Premium desireable days (without having to beg for permission from a controlling partner?)

I'm not sure why you said "but" as you seem to be agreeing with me that the OP is also unreasonable! Her main issue seems to be a petty "it's MY day off and he hasn't checked with me first", especially when she's said they do have access to someone who could babysit. Not the training in the run up as some have said. He can do his weekly long run on his Saturdays.

The whole thing sounds exhausting

let’s be honest if OP did want to enter this marathon she would of if she enters now it’s just tit for tat

might be wrong but to me the guy wants a quiet life so that’s why he hasn’t said anything

that

The OP is very careful to avoid any question asking her WHY he would need to hide Strava, when he's not even hiding his actual running?

Sounds like he's trying to avoid a controlling wife

There are definitely communication gaps here. My DH and I are both runners, follow each other on Strava, both like doing events and have open discussions about what are our own priority events for the year and we negotiate if we both have the same priority event. How would it go if you sat him down and told him your priority events and asked him what his were?

Sadly people in abusive, controlling relationships do often have to resort to "deceit" because they can't have normal reasonable conversations with their partners without fear of repercussions. And their abusers then use the "deceit" as an excuse to up the levels of control and abuse.

Talk to him about you both doing it together and find someone else to mind the kids. You’re both acting ridiculous

Since he's got form for this bizarre behaviour and won't engage in conversation when you've tried then yes, you should sign up and then tell him.

His behaviour is so odd. I run, and my DH runs. We follow and tag each other on Strava, because why wouldn’t we follow each other on Strava? The whole point of it unless your profile is locked down is to follow people you know to share runs and exercise. If my DH deleted me from his Strava but kept everyone else I’d be very confused. Even more confused if he secretly booked a 10k or any race without asking me if I fancied it too. We trained for our halves and marathon together because it’s a nice thing for a couple with a mutual hobby to do? The OP’s DH is acting so suspiciously and she isn’t being controlling at all.

Hard disagree. OP is displaying really controlling, abusive behaviour. And that's on her account of it.

You're very competitive with each other!

Nope, not even slightly. Both partners should have equal access to the main events of their shared hobby. OP is very clear that she can book it as she desires with no checking with him, however he needs to seek her permission, That's simply not reasonable. She's controlling and abusive.

I don't think op is being abusive at all . She is obviously very hurt and her trust issues are understandable, given the circumstances.

I think I understand how she feels , my dh knew I was interested in doing something, he went and did it and lied about it . It broke me .
I'd feel rejected if I requested to follow someone I knew well and they didn't accept.

I also don't see why it's a problem to suddenly decide to run a marathon when you hear someone else you know is . That's often where inspiration comes from .

It’s clear that OP is upset but being upset doesn’t mean you aren’t abusive. OP sounds very controlling. Her husband hiding his strava sounds very much like he wants to keep his hobby for himself and she is gatecrashing. My partner is an ultra runner, he’s very open about it and likes me to go along for support but the training runs are something he does to clear his head, it really supports his mental health. If that’s the case for OP’s husband then there’s no way he wants her muscling in on his hobby.

Strava or no strava, how does one train in secret for a marathon? That's a lot of running many times per week, it's really difficult to do it without your spouse noticing.

The fact he takes part in a hobby doesn't give him any authority to say she can't do it too. Especially with something like running .

Is anyone suggesting he's saying she can't run for a hobby? Pretty sure OP hasn't said that.

She's saying he can't take part in running events (without seeking her permission), which is absolutely controlling and abusive.

Eh? If he’s entering events willy nilly and just assuming that she will do the necessary childcare for both the training and the event, then he is being an arse, rather than she is being controlling. These things need discussion and open communication, which is not going on here. My husband and I have been juggling running events between us and childcare commitments for a decade. Never have either one of us entered something in secret. It’s not that OP’s DH needs to ask permission per se, just that any reasonable couple would have a conversation about what events he wants to do and what events she wishes to do. That doesn’t seem to be happening on either side.