Dh won't let me follow his strava , I think he is secretly training for a marathon,. Should I enter too?

[Sheepondrugs]

My dh's school friend is running a marathon next year. I suspect dh is planning to run it with him , although he hasn't said this to me. But dh didn't accept my follow request on strava , which suggests to me that he has something to hide.

Those who look at my previous posts will see I had issues with my dh making a big charade about the Run Through website not letting him sign up when he already was registered and already secretly had a 10k booked. ( which has long been and gone) .

I was very angry about all that , but I'm using my energy to focus on my fitness and I'm gradually increasing my distance. I'm thinking of signing up to the same event, either the half or the full marathon as I want to the accomplishment of completing one myself.

The issue is dh is just going to magically expect me to be available for childcare that day , isn't he.

Then he'll say no , and decide to do it 'last minute '

Signing up for the marathon and telling him seems perfectly normal. So normal in fact that it begs the question - what is going on in your marriage?

Why would your DH be training in secret? Why didn’t he tell you about the 10k he’d signed up for before? Is this a competitive running thing that’s going on between you, or a way he tries to get around his responsibilities to his children? Something else? Regardless, it seems like the sort of thing that could build a toxic distance between you and ideally would be tackled though, obviously, that’s not something you can do without him seeing it as a problem and being on board too.

Ok well giving you the benefit of the doubt, if this is the only suitable event why haven’t you signed up already? Your DH’s friend has by the sounds of it?

I get your frustration at the thought he's signed up for an event, not discussed it with you and assumed you would be available for the kids.

The rest of it I dont, why can't you both just separately enjoy running and talk to each other about what events you'd each like to do? He shouldn't be hiding events, but at the same time trying to monitor him through strava is just as odd. What happens to him when you talk about the events available throughout the year and which ones you want to do?

He was dishonest about signing up for the 10k he did . Strava is there to follow other people and share your progress. He has several other followers.

This is crazy weird for a couple, awful communication.

If you ask him and he says no, then right away say great! I just wanted to make sure you’re available to look after the kids that day so I can do it instead.

Problem solved!

You don't like each other very much, do you?

I'm not trying to monitor him through strava I requested to follow him in the normal way.

I’m married to an event plopper. He genuinely does decide last minute though, is wildly grateful that I pick up the slack and in turn does the same for me.

So my question is why is he so secretive and does he offer you the same flexibility? If not why not?

You won’t need Strava to track marathon training it will be evident from hours clocked up.

Yes, but you've requested to follow him because you want to monitor his runs and confirm your suspicion he is training for a half marathon. That one of the odd parts, alongside his secrecy.
My husband and I are both on strava, we'll like each others efforts but neither of us are using it to track the others running plans.
What happens when you sit down and say "This is what's coming up over the next year, I want to do these ones. Which do you plan on doing?"

Christ, just leave the poor man alone and let him do something for himself.

Sign up for another running event instead of tagging after him like a lost child.

That would be such a dick move.

I don't think that is it. She requested to follow. He said no. She now thinks he is hiding something. When my DH and I used to do regular running (before we both managed to mingle knees and ankles) we would follow each other and chat about our relative progress. I would be both hurt, and suspicious at the secretiveness if I were OP.

That said, it does sound like most of this could be fixed with open communication. OP could say she wants to sign up for the event. Can he cover childcare/ do they need to make other plans. That's the opportunity for him to be honest.

I think this too. Why is this a thing? Why you stalking him OP? Who cares if he's running or of he's signed up to run a marathon... what's the issue? Unless he's meeting a mistress and pretending?? Whats the issue

Doing an entire fucking marathon just to get one over your partner is a new level of petty.

Obviously you can enter whatever you want, if it's something you want to do for yourself, but when your main motivation is to gazump your partner... whew.

You really hate him, don't you?

(FWIW it's likely he hasn't mentioned it yet because committing to train for a marathon isn't something normal people do lightly and they will usually build up to making that leap gradually.)

My friends dh had form for this type of behaviour. She'd put things on the wall calender. He wouldn't and also wouldn't tell her he would be going out and then drop it on her at the last minute without any childcare so she'd either have to arrange something quickly or cancel her plans.They're divorced now.

We'll have to disagree, op mentions the previous secrecy about his last run, which reads as to why she already had suspicions and wanted his strava. Not that the strava was the first time she has felt he's keeping things from her.

Op you're not wrong to be frustrated, I just dont understand why a conversation about plans for the year wouldn't resolve it?

What a marriage?! Competition if healthy and fun is fine but you seem to be trying to scupper his plan, gate crash his event and generally be “one up on him”. So what if he wants to do an event and heaven forbid it’s all his thing. So what if you have to look after your child on a day off you normally get. Aren’t you a team? I’m sure he’ll swap a day childcare for something you wanted to do if you ask. He’s obviously hiding it because he feels he can’t share it as maybe he knows you’d do this? Sit down and talk to him. Support him in something he wants to do without taking it over.

What a strange marriage dynamic. Either ask him or, if you seriously want to do the race then book it yourself?
Are you waiting for him to drop it on you so you can be the martyr? - looking after DC and not being able to do the race yourself.

DH and I both have hobbies, we also have 2 DC. We use the calendar and just check with each other that any plans don't clash. We don't keep a tally and we dont have 'days off' from the family.

What a strange dynamic. Did anything get resolved after the argument last time?

This is really weird, both of you.

I think the reason he's so secretive is because the OP is either clingy or controlling or both.

Either way it sounds oppressive.

Just book yourself on it... Put it in the family calendar...
Although if its a long time away you'd be better putting your energy into divorcing as this is no way to live..
If ur not a team or can't talk to each other its not a relationship thats going to be good gor either of you or your kids.....

This seems like a very weird relationship dynamic. Him hiding a perfectly reasonable thing from you. You plotting to scupper his plans by secretly entering yourself for the same event (because no other running events have suitable weather ). It sounds exhausting and miserable tbh.

Agree with this. Why all the cloak and dagger around running - why can't you just talk about it?