Dh won't let me follow his strava , I think he is secretly training for a marathon,. Should I enter too?

[Sheepondrugs]

My dh's school friend is running a marathon next year. I suspect dh is planning to run it with him , although he hasn't said this to me. But dh didn't accept my follow request on strava , which suggests to me that he has something to hide.

Those who look at my previous posts will see I had issues with my dh making a big charade about the Run Through website not letting him sign up when he already was registered and already secretly had a 10k booked. ( which has long been and gone) .

I was very angry about all that , but I'm using my energy to focus on my fitness and I'm gradually increasing my distance. I'm thinking of signing up to the same event, either the half or the full marathon as I want to the accomplishment of completing one myself.

The issue is dh is just going to magically expect me to be available for childcare that day , isn't he.

Not at all . But he is part of a couple with young dc . He's not a long entity who can do what he pleases with no thought to his family.

How would it work if you suggest you both enter it? And kids go to grandparents? Straight up “us” thinking to model good behaviour to your manchild? I have an obsessive runner too - he once went to an expensive concert on a weekend running event (it’s a mumsnet outing style running related sport 🤣🤣) that I would not have minded at all but he felt guilty at admitting he was having so much fun while I was home with kids, we laugh about this all the time now. So just call it out in a friendly style.

also, are his runs only visible to followers? As he has secretive form I can understand he might, but there are people I look up from time to time out of nosiness that are open to all.

What a weird thing to be deceitful over

If you really want to do it, then book it and tell him

But your marriage doesn't sound harmonious

But you think its OK for you to enter first, without discussing it with him. Why the double standards?

Your childcare arrangements need to give you both equal ability and access to the running events you both want to participate in. If they've been arranged in such a way that you are free to enter events and he needs your permission to, then that's deeply unfair and very controlling.

Being so disproportionqtely upset that he doesn't want you tracking all his runs via Strava also suggests you are controlling.

I thought this was going to be about an affair with his running partner and he didn’t want you to see 😂

I think OP this is the post you needed to write first, but I guess sometimes it takes us a while to work through to the nub of things.

I don't think this is really about running, which is making you sound controlling over a small issue; it's about the fact you feel he isn't really "in" the relationship anymore, and the issue you have posted about is one example of that - and that IS a reasonable thing to be concerned about. Have you got other examples?

Seems to be because this couple dislike each other so much they take a day each on a weekend away from their spouse and kids to avoid seeing each other.

The event is on "his day" to parent. What a life.

This! Why do people keep referring to 'childcare'. Is it so beyond the pale that OP may be responsible for her children one Sunday next year?

It really sounds as though you both need to work on communicating here, and he needs to recognise that you are not the default parent to dump things on last minute, nor can he hide things from you with no consequences.

There's a tone in this thread, and your previous one, that because he does something it takes away from your ability to do it - and with communication and organisation that really shouldn't be the case. There's also a bit of a tone that you're put out he's been keeping his hobby to himself, or sharing with others rather than you. I suspect its because of this transactional idea that one person is taking from the other. Like he's secretly bettering his health and fitness and you're not part of that journey.

If you don't trust him then leave. If you want to work through it then take responsibility for the part you play in open communication and let him know he has to do the same, plus he has to ensure you are both equally getting a chance to carve out space for your interests for the relationship to work. Either way, you need to speak to each other.

Your marriage is a mess. He's sneaky and you're controlling. You both need to communicate better.

I think you have bigger problems than whether or not you can do this marathon. The entire marriage sounds pretty toxic to me. You've resorted to playing silly mind games instead of communicating with each other.

I think it's probably time to call it quits. What's your financial situation like? Can you manage on your own?

I think your H’s behaviour is utterly self absorbed. DH and I don’t ask for permission to do something but we have certainly always checked that it works for the other person because we have kids/pets to look after.

Sometimes one of us has forgotten to add to the calendar or something non-negotiable happens that clashes and we have to rearrange between us via discussion.

It’s ridiculous that he’s so secretive over it.

You sound exhausting

I run. DH runs.

DH would really like to share it as a hobby and occasionally, we do go for a run together but I have no interest in sharing any of my times or training with him. It is my own thing and my personal space. DH doesn't actually mind this at all and if I wanted to do a 10k, I know he wouldn't mind spending that hour with our DC. They're his DC as well after all.

It's impossible for us to know what's actually happening here. Maybe he's being deceitful for nefarious reasons. Maybe he just wants something of his own and feels that you've taken up his hobby as just another way to insist that he has no time alone or no sole interests.

I think there is a communication problem, but it lies with the DH, not the OP.

They’ve obviously devised a system that should work to keep things fair over the years - a calendar and each partner is “default” childcare for one weekend day. That isn’t not liking their children or “playing it” or being exhausting, it’s a way of making sure that each person knows where they stand and that it is fair.

We also see people on here complaining about being the default parent, and nobody wants to be that.

OP - I think the idea of just booking it yourself and letting him know is a good one, if you want to do it. He can cheer you on and his friend with this kids at the same time!

What is this madness I've just read?! I don't even know how you can function as a married couple with this level of batshittery. This is not a normal marriage OP - why would either of you need to go to this much effort to upset/ lie to each other over a very normal thing? I'm so confused.

Why do you think he’s trying to keep this part of his life separate from you? Have you asked him?

Glad I am not the only one who finds this odd!

This is all super strange
if you two really can’t have an honest conversation, if you really want to do it yourself then sign yourself up and book it in the family diary
in our house whoever physically puts it in the diary first get to do whatever it is and the other either stays at home or organises childcare
It sounds like in theory both of you could do it, though it sounds like training together won’t work out

Ps I ran my first marathon last month. It was an enormous undertaking and I’d have really struggled with it if my kids were young, luckily my dh was very supportive (as long as I don’t do another one next year 🤪)

And these two traits actually fuel each other in a negative cycle: the sneakier he is, the more insecure you become so the more you seek to control, and the more you seek to control, the sneakier he will become.

DS is a runner, DH used to run but doesn’t anymore, he’s run London a couple of times. I’m a team manager at DS’s athletics club, so whilst I don’t run myself, I’m pretty immersed in running. There are events pretty much every single weekend if you want to find one, I can’t understand why you can’t both do different events for childcare reasons. It may mean one of you has to travel, I drive DS all round the country for events, (often meaning overnight stays), but it’s what you do if you’re a runner. Talk to your DH, ask him outright if he’s planning on doing X event and tell him you’ll look after DC for that one, can he please look after DC for Y event which you’d like to do. If that means you need an overnight stay somewhere, he’ll need to look after DC whilst you’re away. It really shouldn’t be this difficult!

It's impossible for us to know what's actually happening here. Maybe he's being deceitful for nefarious reasons. Maybe he just wants something of his own and feels that you've taken up his hobby as just another way to insist that he has no time alone or no sole interests.

I agree with this op.

I also have a feeling you suspect there might be another woman involved. It is possible, but also bear in mind people can become sneaky and deceptive for other reasons, such as outpacing someone they feel is claustrophobically controlling. For me the answer to that might be signalled in the "other deceptive" behaviour you refer to.

Just sign up for the bloody race, tell him you have, and get On with your training. Save yourself and us all this bloody angst and hand wringing.

The pair of you sound ridiculous. And, as a PP said, like you don’t even like each other.

I'm a bit baffled by all of this tbh - as a parent of young children myself the conversation would go like this. "Hey DH, I've been progressing in my running recently and would like a challenge, so I'm thinking of booking a 1/2 marathon on this date, you ok to do childcare that day?" If yes, great, book it, it goes in the diary and he's committed to doing the childcare. If he says "oh interesting, I'm thinking of doing the same" then also fine, we find childcare for the weekend and then book the event.

Why are you making all this so hard, it really doesn't need to be

Because training for your first marathon requires a significant commitment several times a week in the run up to the event. Long runs will start at around 10 miles, going up to 20 in the weeks beforehand. Since the OP and her husband sound new to long distance running, that would be likely be starting at 4/5 hours each week on running alone,plus ideally a strength training session as well to help prevent injury.

Basically they'd need to have a discussion about what early mornings, evenings and weekends look like in terms of dividing childcare for 6 months before the event itself.