OH wants to take kids to MIL's on Xmas Day after lunch & leave me home alone?

[snowhunny]

Basically I do all the Xmas shopping for the kids, decorating and I make Xmas dinner for everyone.

OH has just dropped it on me that he wants to take the kids to MIL's after dinner.

I am not invited.
I just don't think this is very fair or nice.

MIL is a strange woman, she has never visited us.

Every time a DC has been born we have had to take the baby to her house to meet DC.

She has never bought the kids anything for Xmas or birthdays.

Previously I would buy her Xmas and birthday presents from the kids but I won't be doing that again as I find the effort very one sided.

It's not that we don't get on, she is just a lazy woman.

AIBU to feel annoyed that why should her get the privilege of spending time with my kids when I am the one who puts all the effort in to ensure they have a good Xmas Day?

I would prefer he takes them on Boxing Day.

Sounds ideal tbh. You get to share the best bits of Xmas together and then after dinner when everyone is bored and restless they can disappear leaving you to some peace and quiet.

The thing is.
I do everything on Xmas Day.
Cooking, cleaning, getting the kids ready.
He thinks he is doing his bit by playing with the kids,

He dosent even help wash up, it's all me.

I remember the first Xmas we had our 1st born she didn't want us to coming round at all (neither me, DC or OH), she is a strange woman.

And apparently now that OH's nan (her mother who she is estranged from and never visits) in a care home MIL expects OH to drag DC to a care home that have numerous Covid/Flu outbreaks to see her.

Again it's not for DC's benefit or best interest and if I put my foot down or express concern I am "stopping DC from seeing their family".

How bloody rude of him. It would be a firm no from me if my DH was ever stupid enough to suggest this. If she wants to see your children on Xmas day, she can invite your whole family (which obviously includes you).

It would be a very hard NO from me.

My young children would not be going there on Christmas Day, especially if I was so pointedly excluded like this.

Neither you nor the children actually want to go anyway because of the behaviour of his mother so I'd be telling him that he can visit her alone if he wants, but nobody else will be going with him.

I'd then just go ahead and stop them from seeing these family who it sounds as if they mostly don't know anyway.

Why care what MIL and co. think?

Absolutely not, either you all go or no-one goes.

My mum had a very hard life ( she’s passed now ) and we never really knew till her eulogy. Didn’t like boys it turned out every boy she carried she miscarried, since then we have discovered mums and dad’s blood faught against each other. But there’s other reasons as well i dont think this is the place to go into it .

Come on OP please don’t say you’re going to allow this shit to happen?? You tell him fuck no particularly as he does sod all and that you will not have 1/2 a Xmas day with YOUR children and the order members of the family can make do with one of the other 364 days of the year. Do not let this happen. And in the new year have a look at why you let him get away with doing fuck all and also if he’s worth staying with? He sounds like a a useless fucker to me?!

So it's almost like excluding you makes it a 'revenge visit' because you won't buy gifts for her from the DC? How childish of him! If he wants her to have gifts from the DC, he can buy them himself.

As far as the visit, you say it's 'after dinner'. In my family that would be around 3-4pm. My DC would have had plenty of time to play with their new things as gift opening 'back in the day' was usually around 6 am! So I guess even if he were being childish I'd probably just roll my eyes and mutter 'whatever' under my breath. But I would stick to my guns about him being responsible from now on for MiL's gifts.

Personally, after the hubbub of the day, I'd probably put away the leftovers and stack the dishes, then pour myself a glass of wine and put my feet up. When he got back I'd hold up a dish-rag and a towel and say "Do you want to wash, or dry?".

If that doesn't work for you, I'd run and jump into the car and say "Shall we be off then?".

Why won't you explain wth is going on between you and your partner?

Have you had a row?

Its obvious youre feeling very resentful (not unreasonable given what you've described) but what's that got to do with you not being invited?

Why don't you want them to visit their great nan in a care home, and what's that got to do with anything? If any one is at risk from germs it's the old people at risk from the kids bringing in their school germs.

This is all so weird.

@snowhunny The thing is.
I do everything on Xmas Day.
Cooking, cleaning, getting the kids ready.
He thinks he is doing his bit by playing with the kids,
He dosent even help wash up, it's all me.

You have got bigger problems than a cold selfish Mil; a very selfish entitled husband. Why do you put up with it? In general I mean, I understand you want the children to have a nice christmas.

I would def say that he can go xmas day but not with the children. He can bring them boxing day.

I really do wonder how about 75% of the husbands and the fathers mentioned on MN ever got as far as dating a living woman, let alone impregnating one.

@Millytante yes, its a mystery!

You don't have a MIL problem.
You have a HUSBAND PROBLEM.
😠 😡 😤

It's a big... fuck off NO!

What do you get out of this relationship? He sounds absolutely awful. He leaves all the work of Christmas to you and then bangs on about 'family' being important. You are his family and he is horrible to you.

I wouldn't bother buying him any gifts or giving him any Christmas dinner. Just refuse to let him take your kids, unless he is violent and you are scared of him.

But again, how is she going to stop it
its now clear that it’s not MIL who didn’t invite OP, it’s her partner who doesn’t want her to come.

he’s taking the kids- they’re his kids and he is allowed to do this. It’s mean and cruel but how does OP stop him taking them?

youre blaming her for “allowing this shit to happen” but how does she stop it?!

Me and OH have had a stained relationship for months now, we just can't really get on due to his weird expectations and people in the family always stirring.
Me advising him I will not longer be buying MIL Xmas/birthday presents is the final nail in the coffin it seems.

He has just said "you get to spend every day with DC, that's what normal people do, take the kids to on a tour to see their relatives on Xmas Day."

I never done that as a kid.

We went to my uncles and aunties one year and the following year they would come to us (lived down the next street).

Btw Op- don’t bother “doing everything” for Xmas. Get the presents you want to give, wrap them and book a pub for Xmas dinner. There is no need to have a big day if you resent doing it.

Have you meant to post here? Sounds like you’re struggling, sorry to read your mums story May help to start a different thread?

”normal people” don’t exclude the kids mum!

We used to do the relative tour every year and yes, if you live nearby it’s not unreasonable to pop in and see family.

its bizarre that he’s so concerned about who buys a few presents. That’s nothing

maybe 2026 is the year of the separation OP?

Why are people - including OP - slagging the MIL off? It's DH who hasn't invited her (I think)!

"OH has just invited himself to bring the kids round to MIL's after dinner. She never invites him round"

Actually if I had a son it wouldn't occur to me that I'd have to invite them round

Honestly, your OH sounds as nuts as his bloody mother.

And yes I have mentioned it to him that I think it's probably best if he goes elsewhere for Xmas dinner as I am not having his bad attitude ruin my Xmas.

I have already suggested that we don't buy each other presents and just for the DC .

So if he's invited himself I take it it's him saying you're not invited? Stop sounding so passive and tell him it's not happening

Yeah that’s a hard fuck no. How dare he even bring it up!