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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH wants to take kids to MIL's on Xmas Day after lunch & leave me home alone?

388 replies

snowhunny · 28/11/2025 13:14

Basically I do all the Xmas shopping for the kids, decorating and I make Xmas dinner for everyone.

OH has just dropped it on me that he wants to take the kids to MIL's after dinner.

I am not invited.
I just don't think this is very fair or nice.

MIL is a strange woman, she has never visited us.

Every time a DC has been born we have had to take the baby to her house to meet DC.

She has never bought the kids anything for Xmas or birthdays.

Previously I would buy her Xmas and birthday presents from the kids but I won't be doing that again as I find the effort very one sided.

It's not that we don't get on, she is just a lazy woman.

AIBU to feel annoyed that why should her get the privilege of spending time with my kids when I am the one who puts all the effort in to ensure they have a good Xmas Day?

I would prefer he takes them on Boxing Day.

OP posts:
Needspaceforlego · 30/11/2025 18:00

@snowhunny how have things been the last couple of days?
I hope you are staying strong and going through with the plan to get rid of this non-family leech.

Littlejellyuk · 01/12/2025 07:30

AcrossthePond55 · 30/11/2025 16:05

@snowhunny

So he came to take DC to the dentist today and as I was putting the Xmas tree up and again he had an issue with this for some strange reason?....
but yet neither him or his mum agree with putting Xmas tree's up or exchanging gifts (told me this today) ..."

As of right now you need to think of him as 'The Enemy'. You have declared your position (he leaves) and he now thinks of you that way. You need to regard his every utterance as calculated to mess with your head, provoke a response he can use as 'ammo', or to shake your confidence. Before you do/say anything, stop and think hard "What is he trying to accomplish?".

I literally cannot wait until the kids turn 18, hopefully I won't ever have to see him again.

I remember telling my BFF this when her divorce was final. She said "He will be in my life until one of us dies because we share a child". She's right, there will be graduations, marriages, grandchildren. BUT you will (as she does) be able to deal with any unavoidable meetings with grace and from a position of strength, knowing she can turn and walk away from him at any time. Or smile and say quietly "Shut the fuck up". She's done both! And if you're 'lucky' he'll meet someone else and she will become the focus of his manipulations.

I hate that I have to rely on him for things such as him taking DC to the dentist as I don't have a car at the moment. I am really going to sort myself out so I don't have to rely on him for anything.

And you will get things sorted!! It may take time because you'll want to consider your decisions carefully, but it will happen. I'd focus on the 'transport' issue first since that's something he could really mess you round with. I'm assuming you aren't able to run out and buy a car (who is?). Bus? Uber or taxi? Are there relatives or friends who might be able to help with lifts temporarily, or even occasionally? I know it's hard to ask, but if it decreases your reliance on him it's worth it.

Again, this is a marathon not a sprint. Take your time, consider carefully. Slow and steady wins the race. At the end of the 'race' is a peaceful, happy home. You will get there

Show quote history

This 👆 💯 👏

It's a marathon not a sprint.

This line sums it up perfectly. 💯 🙌 ❤️

Needspaceforlego · 01/12/2025 07:47

However while op is always going to be attached to him. It doesnt mean she needs to spend her life with him and always have to put up with him using and abusing her.

@snowhunny i hope you are doing well. It sounds like the christmas thing has been the last straw. Good luck.

T1Dmama · 01/12/2025 14:18

snowhunny · 29/11/2025 19:16

Thanks everyone, I feel a lot better today knowing that I am not going mad or being petty as he says.

So he came to take DC to the dentist today and as I was putting the Xmas tree up and again he had an issue with this for some strange reason?

He was and is raised as a Christian and even has a tattoo of a cross on his arm (alongside a gold cross necklace) but yet neither him or his mum agree with putting Xmas tree's up or exchanging gifts (told me this today) as "it's just a day the government tell us too and I'm not doing that".

I literally cannot wait until the kids turn 18, hopefully I won't ever have to see him again.

I hate that I have to rely on him for things such as him taking DC to the dentist as I don't have a car at the moment.
I am really going to sort myself out so I don't have to rely on him for anything.

I was talking to my friend today who knows what is going on and she said that basically all these years he has had open access to me whilst he has excluded me from all parts of his life and that's true.

Even before DC he would socialise on his own and I was always excluded from his friendship group.

I really do deserve so much better.

Edited

So has he gone? Given keys back? Or you’ve changed locks and handed him a bag with his clothes in?…
And just some info… I own my house outright, I applied for UC when my exH walked out…. I qualify for help and council tax relief…. And because they don’t pay towards housing I can actually earn more before my earning affect my benefits which is also good news.
move been single now for 3.5 years and never been happier! Good luck!

T1Dmama · 01/12/2025 14:20

I’d also recommend changing to a dentist that is easy to get to using bus routes.
Or maybe a friend could drop them at dentist with you? It’s only twice a year after all x

TheAutumnCrow · 01/12/2025 14:46

@snowhunny I was in a similar position transport-wise when my ExH left, driving off in our family car.

I priced up the full cost of running a car vs using a local taxicab firm when necessary, and it was actually cheaper to use a taxicab account than to buy and run a car and pay for parking, MOT, fuel, insurance, maintenance etc - as long as the DC were able to walk/use a bus/cycle a lot of the time, both with me and once school age. They grew up to be very good walkers.

I think in those early days of separation (and divorce) I threw myself into a lot of financial costings and it really helped me to feel much more in control and confident in my abilities to parent solo and to parent well.

Good luck Flowers

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 03/12/2025 04:55

Aimtodobetter · 28/11/2025 16:17

I’d be asking my other half to produce a court order if he thought he had the right to slaw my children away from me on Christmas Day. Why would he think that is acceptable.

Because they aren't just your kids. You do not own them, and they have 2 parents.

Original poster
snowhunny · 03/12/2025 14:30

So I am still remaining firm on the separation, he has been unusually quite since he left on Monday.

During our last convo I told him this was it, the split was permanent as I have been extremely unhappy for literally years. It has really mentally exhausted me and drained me.

He also used to compare me to other women when I refused to cook for him due to his verbal abuse.
I have told him from now on he isn't to enter my home and neither are his family welcome and moving forward he will have to host his family elsewhere if they want to see DC and not at my expense.

Of course I have been advised "the money from now on will be what I should be paying and not me being generous".

I also advised him that he should only contact me in relation to the children and we need to establish firm boundaries moving forward.

Whilst we were talking one of his best friends called him whilst on holiday (they have a DC same age) and they are so happy. I would always be jealous of their relationship as it's what wanted with my now ex.

His friend's partner goes round to her MIL's and is welcomed and accepted as part of the family, something I wanted for so long.

Of course he never talks to his friends or family with mr around (in contrast his friend always involves his partner and is never excluded) and this just made me realise how dysfunctional and weird this man really is and how I deserve better.

I was never even excluded when his mates had double dates etc, I was kept separate from everyone.

This just enforced that I have made the right decision and will be moving forward and being happy with my kids.

OP posts:
Horses7 · 03/12/2025 14:43

Wonder Woman!!
Enjoy your new life!

Millytante · 03/12/2025 14:46

snowhunny · 03/12/2025 14:30

So I am still remaining firm on the separation, he has been unusually quite since he left on Monday.

During our last convo I told him this was it, the split was permanent as I have been extremely unhappy for literally years. It has really mentally exhausted me and drained me.

He also used to compare me to other women when I refused to cook for him due to his verbal abuse.
I have told him from now on he isn't to enter my home and neither are his family welcome and moving forward he will have to host his family elsewhere if they want to see DC and not at my expense.

Of course I have been advised "the money from now on will be what I should be paying and not me being generous".

I also advised him that he should only contact me in relation to the children and we need to establish firm boundaries moving forward.

Whilst we were talking one of his best friends called him whilst on holiday (they have a DC same age) and they are so happy. I would always be jealous of their relationship as it's what wanted with my now ex.

His friend's partner goes round to her MIL's and is welcomed and accepted as part of the family, something I wanted for so long.

Of course he never talks to his friends or family with mr around (in contrast his friend always involves his partner and is never excluded) and this just made me realise how dysfunctional and weird this man really is and how I deserve better.

I was never even excluded when his mates had double dates etc, I was kept separate from everyone.

This just enforced that I have made the right decision and will be moving forward and being happy with my kids.

Edited

This is very encouraging news, OP.
You are absolutely doing the right thing; the only thing.
Shore up all your defences now, and resolve that henceforth, no man (and still less his bloody family) shall ever treat you with such disrespect again.

Make sure you have protected your material assets, as a matter of urgency. (Physical as in all new locks etc, and legal considerations too. Child support claim pronto, and making absolutely sure your house is securely yours alone.) Making time to speak with someone at Women’s Aid is a good idea, as this family sounds very unpredictable and odd, and may pose risks to you that you have not thought of.
Just look on it as another sensible element in bolstering your general security.

Sending you oodles of good wishes and positive vibes, my dear.
Onwards and upwards!

Aimtodobetter · 03/12/2025 15:08

Well done for sticking firm. I’d focus on what you can control financially for them and not him. I’d also reframe any conversation with him where he tries to weaponise money by focusing on him as a father not him as an ex partner. For example, "if you don’t care enough about your children’s wellbeing to do better than the bare minimum in terms of financial support for them I’m not going to waste my breathe trying to persuade to be a good father - I’m just going to focus on being as good a provider for them as I can be because I love them and I don’t begrudge the money I spend making their lives better. What a pity you do."

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 03/12/2025 15:19

I'd enjoy a couple of hours peace if it were me. Get the Christmas special of something on tv and munch more chocolate.

Needspaceforlego · 03/12/2025 16:09

@snowhunny
I sincerly hope you have a wonderful Christmas and onwards and upwards for 2026.

You are absoulety doing the right thing.

Needspaceforlego · 03/12/2025 18:08

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 03/12/2025 15:19

I'd enjoy a couple of hours peace if it were me. Get the Christmas special of something on tv and munch more chocolate.

Read the Ops posts, this is the straw that broke the camels back. She deserves must better.

caringcarer · 03/12/2025 18:12

Tell him he's welcome to go but your kids will be staying home to play with their new toys. He can take them on Boxing day for a couple of hours if he wishes.

Laurmolonlabe · 03/12/2025 18:28

I'm glad you are feeling happier- good luck and well done.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/12/2025 19:00

@snowhunny

Well done, you!!! This is the beginning of your new and happy life!

Of course I have been advised "the money from now on will be what I should be paying and not me being generous".

Naturally. But we knew this was coming, right? Be sure you check the CMS calculator to be sure he's paying at least what they show he should be paying. And if not, you can either file a CMS claim immediately or give him a chance to stump up. Personally, I'd do the former.

JustMe2026 · 03/12/2025 19:15

Crikey it won't let never enter my head regardless of anything to be petty and quite hurtful and say your putting presents just from mummy and not from dad to...Based on that I would say there's 2 very different sides to your side and Ml side of the story. Either way wouldnt bother me I would enjoy a bath and wine when they went out visiting

TwinklySquid · 03/12/2025 21:35

You can get some UC if you own your home- just obviously not money for the housing element. Start the claim now- you get nothing for five weeks.

Call child maintenance . It’s not included in your UC calculations. Get them to set up payments. They take a cut but it’s worth the hassle.

Make sure you are claiming child benefit too.

Change the locks.

WhistPie · 03/12/2025 21:57

JustMe2026 · 03/12/2025 19:15

Crikey it won't let never enter my head regardless of anything to be petty and quite hurtful and say your putting presents just from mummy and not from dad to...Based on that I would say there's 2 very different sides to your side and Ml side of the story. Either way wouldnt bother me I would enjoy a bath and wine when they went out visiting

Try reading all the OP's posts, might save you looking an idiot

T1Dmama · 03/12/2025 23:51

Well done 💕💕

Hope you have a wonderful Christmas with your children.

UrbanFan · 04/12/2025 10:52

You can either stop being a doormat and take much of the advice offered to you on here. Or you can carry on and make it look like you are just enjoying all the drama and nonsense.

Why do so many of the women on here allow men to treat them badly?

Noshowlomo · 04/12/2025 11:12

Read the updates @UrbanFan !!

AlltheHedgehogsontheWall · 04/12/2025 11:17

Why start a thread with "My partner and I are disagreeing over one thing, who is in the right?" and then drip feed until you get to, "We deeply detest each other for a wide range of reasons and will now separate."

Your original post was completely baffling without the context.

Needspaceforlego · 04/12/2025 11:22

AlltheHedgehogsontheWall · 04/12/2025 11:17

Why start a thread with "My partner and I are disagreeing over one thing, who is in the right?" and then drip feed until you get to, "We deeply detest each other for a wide range of reasons and will now separate."

Your original post was completely baffling without the context.

I think Op needed others to validate that she is being treated like shit before booting him out.

Its really not that uncommon for something smallish to be that final straw. Thats where the old expression comes from

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