OH wants to take kids to MIL's on Xmas Day after lunch & leave me home alone?

[snowhunny]

Basically I do all the Xmas shopping for the kids, decorating and I make Xmas dinner for everyone.

OH has just dropped it on me that he wants to take the kids to MIL's after dinner.

I am not invited.
I just don't think this is very fair or nice.

MIL is a strange woman, she has never visited us.

Every time a DC has been born we have had to take the baby to her house to meet DC.

She has never bought the kids anything for Xmas or birthdays.

Previously I would buy her Xmas and birthday presents from the kids but I won't be doing that again as I find the effort very one sided.

It's not that we don't get on, she is just a lazy woman.

AIBU to feel annoyed that why should her get the privilege of spending time with my kids when I am the one who puts all the effort in to ensure they have a good Xmas Day?

I would prefer he takes them on Boxing Day.

He isn’t interested in what OP thinks about whether it’s happening. He’s doing it anyway

so... why are you doing everything? stop that.

And they go on Boxing Day or you make A Big Fuss.

I'm sending dh and kids to visit fil on Christmas day. Now wondering if I'm unreasonable!
Was planning to stay home eating cheese and drinking wine.

You both sound like bloody children, tbh. This sounds like an ongoing and rapidly escalating tit for tat situation.

Sit down and have an honest conversation with each other about your needs and wants and stop using the kids like pawns.

Or start thinking about separating.

None of them are invited. The DH has decided he’s going to visit his mother but as OP doesn’t like her (rightly so), she doesn’t want to go.
I don’t see why you would visit, either, OP, but this isn’t the big deal some are blowing it up to be. He can take them for an hour in the evening can’t he? Or on Boxing Day? It’s your call ultimately but it’s acceptable and normal to drop in on family over Xmas. It just so happens that your MIL is weird and unpleasant so you’ll sit it out.

How odd. Utterly bizarre

Wow op, how did even say, ' your not invited ' bloody hell how heartless to even say that, but if he had invited you ' as a family unit ' its still a no thinks its our family day, arrange another time thanks

You are not being unreasonable to not want him to take the kids to see his mum on Christmas day given what you have said. Offering them to go boxing day is fair. You husband is being ridiculous not inviting you and being shitty not contributing. I think you have bigger problems here.

However you are being unreasonable to say you don't want your kids to visit their great grandma in a care home. I used to take my son to see my mum (his grandma) in the care home on Chrismas day. It does children good to see old people and be around them. We used to take toys and enjoyed showing them off to the residents! It was our normal.

OP said in her update at 14.52 that it’s her husband who won’t invite her due to the fact that she’s refusing to buy MIL Christmas presents this year:

I felt it was a very one sided effort so I told OH from now on I will be only buying presents for the kids and he has taken offence hence why he dosent want me going to MIL (not that I would want to go anyway).

Given your update it sound like it's going to be 'tense' at home. A few hours out visiting Grandma might be a little lite relief for the kids.

Just separate you obviously dislike your husband.

Op chooses to do all of that though and he doesn’t have to ask OPs permission to take his children out assuming they have joint parental responsibility.
It also sounds like it’s her DP that doesn’t really want her to go around because OP has decided not to give her MIL a gift etc which is totally understandable, I match effort and energy with both sides of our family and wouldn’t be giving her presents either.
If OP doesn’t want to be the dogsbody for Christmas then she simply needs to stop doing it all. My kids don’t care if I spend hours over a roast or if we have nibbles for the main event. What they do care about is playing board games, lounging in jammies etc It’s one day of the year and people put far too much pressure on themselves.

We used to go and visit family1 when I was younger on Christmas Day and we would go and take our children to visit family but we did it as a family and no one was excluded and we were all happy doing it.

I wouldn't say I choose to do it as if it wasn't for me nothing would get done as he is so lazy.

Now he has just sprung it on me that he wants his cousin and kids (similar age to DC) come after dinner.

Again it will be who is expected to do the hosting/ making food, cleaning up after whilst he sits and relaxes.

I’d be asking my other half to produce a court order if he thought he had the right to slaw my children away from me on Christmas Day. Why would he think that is acceptable.

Go out with the children.
Or go to bed with a headache and not show your face.
You will get as much shit as you will tolerate.

You quite clearly loathe your husband and have no interest in his side of the family. You should consider separating and trying to co-parent amicably, accepting that this will mean he is free to take the kids to see whatever relatives he wishes during his time.

That would be a no. The lids will stay at home with thier presents and he can see his mother if he wants to

the Kids can go another day

Then just say no, that you won’t be catering to guests and if he wants them he can do it and then stand by what you’ve said….
If they rock up and there is no food for them you simply say, I’m really sorry DP was meant to be doing the catering for guests in the afternoon as I cooked the roast. I’m sure there’s some left over bits and pieces in the fridge he can put out for you if you’re hungry.
Honestly I used to feel like I had to do it all and keep everyone happy, and then I hit 40 and thought I’m not doing it anymore.
This year I’ve brought presents for the children only, if my DH wants his family members to get a gift, he has to buy it. I’m not the biggest fan of a roast, so I’ve said the last few years if DH wants a traditional Christmas dinner he can cook it. I brought the presents for the kids I said I was just going to pop it into gift bags and if he wanted them wrapped beautifully he could do it…..
My DH knows I mean it, the last 3 years he has cooked the Christmas the dinner, I’ve helped tidy up, I’ve brought the presents and he’s wrapped them and we’ve both done the Christmas tree decorating and food shopping.
Your DP does nothing because you enable him to do nothing, time to make a stand instead of silently resenting how little effort he makes. If he doesn’t step up after knowing the expectations then it doesn’t sound much of a partnership.

Now he has just sprung it on me that he wants his cousin and kids (similar age to DC) come after dinner.

So how's that going to work if he plans to swan off to MiL's after dinner? Leave you alone with these cousins? Just refuse to host, make food, or clean up. Tell him emphatically that he'll have to do it because you won't.

I don't know everything that appears to be going on in your marriage, but I think you need to reevaluate it and decide if it's worth 'keeping'.

Wow. I’m actually gobsmacked that he’d entertain that idea.

Why aren’t you invited?

No I don't loathe OH's family at all. I have tried to make the effort loads of times and I am just met with coldness.
His mum or siblings have never thanked for birthday/ Xmas presents. Surely it's just manners?

OH makes no effort at all with my family.
He advises me that my own parents must give me advance warning when they want to visit but his family can just turn up on the day.
Its my house as well by the way that I own.

I would get his mum, siblings, his cousin's kids Xmas presents and it was never appreciated or acknowledged.
I was just trying to be nice and make the effort.

When it was DC's birthday a few weeks ago one of his cousins wanted to visit with their kids.

OH told me "Can you go upstairs or go out to the cinema so we can have family time?"
This is in my own house.

He dosent really see me as family in his eyes.
His family is his family, and my family is my family.

Even with the partners of his aunts/uncles he says they are not my aunt/uncle, only the ones related to me by blood".
He is a very strange man.

Why are you wasting your life with this loser and what possessed you to even consider having more than one child with him, after you saw his true colours?

Ditch him and you'll never have to deal with his odd mother again anyway.

Double bonus.

And drag your standards out of the gutter when you start dating again in the future.

Nope, he can invite himself and the kids round on boxing day. Win win, she sees them , he gets to fulfill his wish of them seeing her more, and you get a bit of time to decompress after doing 100% of Christmas