Partner won’t change Trust

[LindsayAnn97]

Hello am I being unreasonable to want my partner to change his trust for our son and myself?
For context we have been living together for 5 years and have a 2 year old together. We live in his property and he rents another couple out. All in his name. I was working full time and contributing but since my maternity leave ended I went back to uni which I am currently still doing. I don’t have access to free childcare as my partner earns over the threshold and we don’t have family close by. I am not on the deeds to his property and he does not want to get married. Currently his trust is to benefit his “family” but our son and myself are not mentioned. He has no life insurance either. I find this quite irresponsible as it’s one thing to not look after myself if he passed away unexpectedly but it’s another not to look after our son. It’s the principle of it that bothers me I want to protect his inheritance. Is there anyone that has experience a similar issue? Any advice would be great!

I can’t fathom why you’ve had a child with him, or stayed with him at all. A good man wouldn’t treating the mother of his child that way. He’d have married you years ago. I know it’s easier said than done to leave but I couldn’t be with a man like that.

If she treats the relationship as one she can't rely on she wont be. If she recognises the truth and focuses on buying her own property and looking after herself and son first then she will be ok.

Though it seems pointless to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about your and your shared child's security in event of death/break up.

The real danger is in hanging around, hoping that this man will do the right thing. Putting money into his house and savings, instead if her own, when she and her son will be left out in the cold when he dies.

@Wildbushlady I agree, she needs to put herself and her son’s welfare first - and have a contingency plan in case they break up before she’s qualified. I hope she has supportive family who could help her in that event.

You need to get legal advice on what happens if he dies while your child is a financial dependent.

Once you know what the law says you can discuss the options with him.

It's complex, so best to get advice sooner rather than later.

You mention a trust, it is possible that the home is in his name on the deeds, but he is not its legal owner if it is part of a trust.

I am named on the deeds to my house, but it is held in a family trust of which I am trustee, but cannot vary the terms of, so maybe he cannot change it?

He doesn't love you or your son. If he did he would ensure that you (and especially your son) are provided for properly. The fact that he wants to leave everything to "his family" but that doesn't include you or his son in that means he doesn't see you or even his own son as part of his family.

Not sure that is a guy I would want to stick around for! He is making his priorities very clear to you.

This should have been sorted out before now. You are in a weak position as regards finances. But you can't force him into marriage.

I don't often agree with the 'just leave him' but in this case I would be tempted, he got what he wanted (you and a child) so now he doesn't need to marry you and he won't. Have you got a good job? I would prioritise your career over everything else and save like mad for your future.

We don't know how this trust situation works, in my case the trust was written in 1965, I wasn't born until '79 but was already in the trust as an un-named "issue".

I have my home to live in for my life, my name is on the deeds, I am a trustee, along with the family solicitor - but I have no rights to change the instructions of the trust - my DW has no claim on the home and won't be on the deeds, unless she becomes a trustee, but that gives her no rights, and I cannot control that and didn't write it!

Anyone can have a will written, tell their partner and then get it changed the next day. You would never know. You are in a vulnerable position. Do not assume you can stay in the house if he was to die. Family ie siblings can kick you out.

It says in the original post that she gave up her job and is a student.

And if its in trust, the life beneficiary cannot will it to anyone, it will follow the directions set out in the trust.

Property held in trust doesn't belong to the life beneficiary, it belongs to the trustees.

If she was actually a gold digger, she would’ve made sure she was married or guaranteed money before getting pregnant.

Oh OP, stop flogging a dead horse.

This man has made it absolutely clear that he is not prepared to provide for you and your/his son at all once you are no longer of concern to him ( after his death). He has also made clear that he wants to be able to be free of you both at any point of his choosing, without this having any financial consequences for him. He has thought this all through very clearly and deliberately. He won't even tell you what he earns! Wake up and realise all of this.

its sad to hear you think you can be assertive with him and get him to provide security for you. You have absolutely no bargaining power, because he has thought is all through to ensure you have no bargaining power and are always in a position of weakness and vulnerabilty.

When you say you financially contribute, I hope you only mean to bills and not to the mortgage. Do not be helping this selfish man to buy a house you have no stake in.

You are the one who will have to provide security for your son. Live there as cheaply as you can so that you can save to buy a place of your own for you and your son. Then leave and live in it.

I couldn’t stay with a man that refused to marry and make sure his family was looked after, actions speak louder than words op

Well done for progressing with a good career path. Will you be a dentist on completion?

What is the purpose of asking his salary? What do you intend to do with that information?

I. Think if he had any intention of a legal relationship with you, he would have said so. He clearly doesn't want that.

He out earns you and has other property, they he is probably worried of losing of you were married and split up.

If you don't contribute to the house you live in, he again will be reluctant to have you on the deeds.

Is he a good partner?
Is he a good involved dad?

Your questions are all financial and I can see that it'll just strengthen his current stance of separate financials, because it could be seen that you're just interested in the money.

I would centre questions not so much around your relationship status (because you know his feelings on that) but more around a concern about looking after your son/ having a roof over your heads should anything happen to him.

You can say you read something or heard a fellow student talking about a friend in a similar position to you and his the sudden passing, which left her homeless and struggling.

Oh op what an ewful situation,

Ask him
What provisions are in place for son,
What provisions for him in event of illness or death, funeral plan, does his family know his wishes, are they happy to carry out sed wishes ??
Paperwork work for above will be held,

Explain you have your plan in place too,

I do find men don't talk about or want to think about these things, but of course they need a conversation op,
My daughter has all my details and wishes as my partner is hopeless and wouldn't trust him to do the right thing in this situation, but I have peace of mind knowing my children would know what to do long side grieving,

Good luck with the conversation op, to many questions might make him close up, tread carefully op

Was your DS planned or an accident?

And how old is your partner? Has he got a lot of already established family?

This is sadly quite common. An 'oops' baby with a new younger partner that throws everyone's noses out of joint in the family who are already established.

You don't have any leverage here.

It's all very well to be demanding this and that, but if the baby was an accident you've sort of made your own bed.

You have a sugar daddy of sorts. He's providing for your DS and for you while you study to earn your own money.

He's like a benefactor... if you want childcare for your DS, I'd forget whining about how he hasn't disclosed his salary etc. That's not how to play these men.

Just ask for it up front and he'll more than likely have the money and pay...

There's a lot of moral chest beating on here but if you split, what have you got ? you're not exactly in a strong position financially. He's got all the cards.

I'd probably bite me tongue, graduate and then leave but then I've always had a high pain threshold emotionally and no doubt this isn't the best advice. But for now you've got a good set up financially to study and then do a runner...

Do you love him? Or do you love his money?

Also, this sort of man won't like being chased for money..... the more you ask, the less you'll receive.

It's not the way to do it. They like strong, financially independent women... not people draining them and demanding this and that. He doesn't see you as an equal anymore - or maybe ever.

I don't think you understand the psychology of this sort of person.

No he doesn't! If he wanted a strong financially independent woman he'd have one!

He likes a woman who is in a vulnerable, dependent position, whom he can extract money from for his expenses, who has no bargaining power and whom he can dispose of at will without it costing him much. That's what he has, because that is what he wanted.

@LindsayAnn97

Currently his trust is to benefit his “family” but our son and myself are not mentioned.

Have you actually seen these trust documents? Do you know who is named as 'his family'? Does he have other children? And I know this is really none of my business, but was your child planned? Not that that's an excuse for not providing for a child, but it may be a shitty reason why he hasn't.

This is one of the pitfalls of not being married. He's not legally required to provide for you now or after his death. Since laws vary from country to country I don't know if he's legally required to provide for a minor child via will or trust after his death. I think you need to see a solicitor to find that out. As far as taking out a life insurance policy on him, where I live you can't do that without the insured person agreeing to it. Would he?

All I can say is study hard and get that degree as fast as possible. Chances are you're going to need it. After that, keep your finances separate and do estate planning only for your child, excluding him. This man is not committed to you or to your child. And for now you need to try and sock away every penny you possibly can because you have no guarantee he'll stick around.

My mistake. Sorry - thought that he had a previous child.

In that case the OP is in the exact situation as my dd was.

Her legal advice was to get a Will & to seek further specialist family law advice.

Too late for her though as separation happened but she successfully got 50/50 split as she had contributed to the mortgage.

To quote my solicitor "you are on very thin ice".

Trusts have to be registered with the Trust Registration Agency, but unless your are a trustee or beneficiary etc I don't think you can look at the details.

If he is a life beneficiary of a family trust, he won't likely have any facility to change its terms or direct the inheritance of it by his will - that's not of his doing, that's just how trusts work.

If the property is in a trust with him as life beneficiary, it isn't his or yours - and will pass on as directed by the trust, not by his will.

You ned to discuss this with him. My DW knows our home belongs to a family trust and she has no claim, however the trust was written to provide a home for my spouse for the rest of her life before it passes on, so she is secure in that, but to be clear, that's not a gift I am making or via my will, our home is not mine, it belongs to the trust legally.

Well if it were me having demands placed on me about signing over trusts (that I may in fact have very little control over) and demands on what my salary were I would not be too happy about that.

I'm sure if the roles were reversed the opinions on here on what you should do in response to those sorts of demands would be very different.

What I would understand though is my partners reasonable concerns and request to have theirs and their/my childs future secured in the event something should happen.

Some younger people aren't too good at contemplating their own mortality. But of course if you have dependents it should be something you should prepare for and it might be something they are yet to fully consider.

Hopefully if you manage to get the message across in the right way you will get the response you seek, which ultimately is more security for your child.

Why were you paying mortgage on a property that you don’t own and have no legal right to? He’s going to leave it to his relatives and you shouldn’t be paying anything towards it! It’s not your property! You’re just his girlfriend legally and had no rights over anything! Get your own place whether that is housing association or council or private rental etc and make sure you and only you are on the tenancy and bills etc and then claim UC etc as a single parent. He clearly gives no crap about you and your security