Partner won’t change Trust

[LindsayAnn97]

Hello am I being unreasonable to want my partner to change his trust for our son and myself?
For context we have been living together for 5 years and have a 2 year old together. We live in his property and he rents another couple out. All in his name. I was working full time and contributing but since my maternity leave ended I went back to uni which I am currently still doing. I don’t have access to free childcare as my partner earns over the threshold and we don’t have family close by. I am not on the deeds to his property and he does not want to get married. Currently his trust is to benefit his “family” but our son and myself are not mentioned. He has no life insurance either. I find this quite irresponsible as it’s one thing to not look after myself if he passed away unexpectedly but it’s another not to look after our son. It’s the principle of it that bothers me I want to protect his inheritance. Is there anyone that has experience a similar issue? Any advice would be great!

You need to have a frank conversation with him.

Bear in mind that he may be powerless to change the beneficiaries of the trust. Only the Trustees have that ability, and if he is not a Trustee then there's nothing he can do.

They have both been irresponsible but it's OP who has no safety net

Who is his “family” to benefit otherwise? Your dc is a dependant but you are not. Someone would need to be nominated to manage it while your dc was a child though. Do you have any assets?

I don't normally advise this sort of thing... but given that you've got another three years minimum before you're earning any money you might be better off keeping your head down and playing the long game until you have qualified.

I don't see the point in presenting him with a list of questions as you've described. If he gave a shit about you and your child he would have considered this a long time ago and would have responded positively when you initially raised the question about the trust. It's hard to see why he is suddenly going to respond positively when cornered.

There's no push factor for him to see the light on this and its not in his interests to change.

Can you suck it up for another three years?

I think it is likely that there is a family trust which his family have set up which offers him financial support however since he did not set up the trust he is unlikely to have the legal means to alter it, although obviously the benefits he gains from the trust add to his personal financial security and wealth.

HOWEVER , he is earning, and apparently owns property outright, so these are financial assets, including death in service benefits, pension rights etc , over which he does have complete control, so the fact that he is choosing not to / refusing to name the OP and his son on these assets and offer them financial security speaks volumes about his attitude towards them, his trust in the longevity of the relationship and his attitude towards money generally.

I don’t think I could trust someone who refuses to even discuss these issues. This is not an equal relationship.

You say that currently his trust is to benefit his family but not you or your son. Who will benefit then? Parents, siblings, other children?
It’s great that you are doing a dentistry degree that should stand you in good stead for the future.
Presumably he’s paying all household costs at the moment? I would squirrel away as much as you can for your future!
I don’t think he will answer any of those questions either. Maybe another way to frame it is that he should be paying for childcare as you are unable to access funding due to his earnings and you are effectively saving him costs as you are
at home more.

Dentistry sounds like. Good plan.nibthink it impressive op is doing that. Maybe she can re evaluate when she's done school.

Let me guess, your son has his surname too?

It's exactly because of men like him, that women are advised to get married before having children.

Your son is his NoK though, so he is "family", if he dies suddenly, you'll need to register as administrator (I think), or something to ensure your son gets what is legally his. Unless of course this selfish man (he's not your partner) has written a Will excluding his son.

The only leverage you have now is to leave but you have left yourself very vulnerable as you have a child and you have embarked on a long course. Not sure what to advise as he has absolutely no incentive to start treating you as a partner/wife when you have already given him a child and sacrificed your time/money/career on a pregnancy and maternity leave with no commitment from him in return.

These questions should have come before you decided to choose him as a life partner when he hadn’t chosen you as his. I genuinely hope everything goes well until you finish your course - at least you’ll be able to live independently and support yourself once you qualify as a dentist.

He’s the recipient of trust , is he able to change the terms to make OP beneficiary? I do agree that he needs to protect his financial asset and as a parents to the baby make provision for baby. So, currently she’s his girlfriend. He’s not compelled to make financial provision for her, he should make financial provision for the baby.
I also think that women shouldn’t put themselves in a position were they are financially dependent on a man. At the moment this is all very precarious for OP she lives in a house that he is the owner , if she’s not on the deeds if the relationship breaks down he could ask her to leave .
However she’s not compelled to pay toward the mortgage upkeep or maintenance of the house and I probably wouldn’t if I was her. Is he paying for her dentistry degree? She’s only in the first year that’s a bit tricky if she’s dependent upon him for fees and living costs.

Yet again a story on mumsnet where a woman has a child with a man who won’t marry her and doesn’t want to otherwise financially protect her. Did you not discuss it before committing to having children with him?

I would start with only the very business like pragmatic decision of, if he was run over by a bus or injured tomorrow, what would he want to happen regarding your child. Where would they live, how would they be provided for till they are 18 etc.

She can insure his life. She has an interest in it so it’s insurance by her. He just has to agree to answer the questions.

@SingingOcean My guess is that the OP is several years younger so he’s more established.

Ultimately, she could do quite well out of this arrangement if she’s getting free accommodation while she trains, the issue is whether they break up before she’s qualified. She needs a contingency plan in the event that this happens.

Does he have a will? If he doesn’t get him to write one and make sure he includes his child in it. My understanding though is that if he passed away his child would inherit by default. Does the trust supersede that I wonder?

In regards to the question “How will I look after our property for our son?” id change “our property” as he will instantly have the argument it’s not your property it’s his. I’m sure you’ve made it a lovely home but if it’s in his name it’s actually not yours at all.

try to stay neutral when speaking to him and try not to respond and considering it an information gathering exercise. Then you know what decisions you need to make moving forward. Don’t feel you have to problem solve everything in one conversation! Good luck!

He has a moral and legal duty to not disinherit his first son by dint of a second family.

By all means he should also make provision for the child that he has with you.

This is so frustrating! I am so very sorry you are dealing with this. He has told you clearly that you and the kid aren't his family. So my question is: why are you with him? What does he bring to the table (other than money)?

He's very clear on where you stand. Where does he stand with you?

He doesn't want to.

If you’re living together as a family with a child together you’re in the role of a wife, not a girlfriend. But the op was foolish to give him all the benefits of marriage without the financial protection it offers in return.

He has no life insurance either.

What a prince 🙄
Take put your own policy on him and pay for it yourself. It is possible to do this.

Edit:
He won’t even tell me his salary 🤷🏼‍♀️
Fuck me... this is SO wrong.
HOW have you had a child with him? Do yourself a favour - stay in work and do not have another child unless this radically improves.
I'd also lie about your salary and siphon a fixed amount of cash off every month into a savings account / ISA (At some point you and your child will likely need it).

Dont feel bad about lying.

He is more than happy to lie to you and your relationship isnt based on trust / openess / partnership anyway...

There is no “our” property, there is only his property. If he were to die intestate then your son would inherit, but if he has made a will leaving everything to someone else, then your son won’t get anything.
I don’t understand why you didn’t iron all this out before having a child with him, or was it an unexpected pregnancy?
He is a totally feckless father if he is refusing to make any provision for his son, it’s a basic requirement of being a parent, surely ? He is also not committed to you at all. Do you really want to stay with him ? He needs to sit down with you and be totally honest as to his finances and his refusal to either marry or make a clear plan for what could happen in the event of his death, or if you became ill etc.

This. I would forget about him- when you’re separated you won’t need to worry about this stuff

I very much doubt he’ll engage in this what happens if he does stuff because look, the reality is, the chances are tiny.
I’d also consider the value in insuring him and paying the premiums when he’s so young and in good health.

I think your son would have a claim against his estate but that is likely 40 years away. It’s a shame he’s going to make him take legal action to get it, but at the same time, he might also change his mind when he’s older and change the will.

OP, I have family money and also earn double what my partner earns. I still married him, have bought a house with him, we've got a joint account etc. That is because I love him and I can't imagine being in a situation where, for example, I can comfortably retire and yet he'd have to struggle on for another decade at least. We're a team and I want us to both be comfortable and for us both to be able to take care of our children if either of us died.

This is the risk of having children without the security of marriage.

A lot of people say it's just a piece of paper, but it's a very important piece of paper.

I'm surprised that he doesn't want to ensure your son is financially provided for if he were to pass away, but as long he is registered as his father (birth certificate) , then he wouldn't be left or of his estate.. but it may be a battle, if he had not mentioned your son in his will or anything.

It would honestly make me question the relationship. Your partner are that the two of you are far apart financially and doesn't want to 'lose' out, but to not ensure his child is taken care of is worrying.