Husband asking I stop bringing in 3 yo into bed for this reason

[PlumCath]

Dh is currently on lates at work. This means he will often come home when I am asleep.

Coincidentally my 3 yo son has started regressing with his sleep. I often end up bringing him to bed with me as I don’t want him waking up his brother.

The thing is that dh and I have most of our intimate moments in the middle of the night or when he comes home. Obviously when my son is in the bed that is no longer an option.

Dh has asked I try to train DS back to sleeping in his room. I just don’t feel like it’s a priority. I have to admit I like my one on one time with DS and his snuggles.

I just feel icky implementing a routine for my child cause Dh wants sex. Equally I want to keep my marriage happy and healthy.

Any input would be greatly appreciated, thanks.

my sister thinks I need to prioritise husband. But she’s subscribes to “all men need is food and sex to keep them happy” logic

If you genuinely wish to have sex with your husband, the simple solution is that on your date night let the child fall asleep in your bed and then remove him to his own once he is sound asleep.

As an aside, I am puzzled why you think your husband is “icky “.

I don't think there's necessarily a right or a wrong here op. Sex and intimacy is important especially when you've young kids because it's so easy for that to get disrupted and you can loose connection. But so is creating security and responding to your child and so is sleep.

I personally wouldn't worry about your child regressing, loads do, it's developmentally normal and all children find their way into their own rooms and bed at some stage - people can get very worked up about that.

I think I'd point out to your dh that sleep and libido are very closely connected - so if he wants to protect your libido he needs to protect your sleep. Which means 3yo is still coming for cuddles sometimes. And then you need to figure out other times to be intimate. Your child is in a phase and it will pass whether you choose to torment yourself with it or go with it. I would pick go with it and factor in date nights maybe somewhere if you can.

It is totally normal for a man to want to sleep in his own bed with his own wife. And yes, have sex with said wife. Sex is a normal part of a healthy marriage.
Everyone should be in their own bed.

I found mine slept better if I woke up when they were coming in and took them straight back to bed. I put them in and gave them a cuddle just like at bedtime, and that was it. They’d go back to sleep. They know I’m there, but they’re having it reinforced that their bed is their lovely comfy space where mummy will give them a kiss and a cuddle if they wake up in the night.

It does seem like maybe you’re using your child as an excuse because you’re not really feeling it. It’s ok to not always be in the mood in the middle of the night you know!

Why don’t you do your deeds at different times? Interrupting your sleep for sex in the middle of the night on a regular basis is not good for your health. You are not on demand press on sex doll. You say that you initiate it. Is it because you subconsciously feel obliged to do so to keep your husband happy? Prioritise yourself

But OP isn't interrupting her sleep for sex, her sleep is being interrupted because she's a light sleeper and therefore tends to wake when her husband comes in anyway. I can well imagine that, in that situation, an enjoyable sex session is a great way for her to relax and drift off to sleep again.

So your DH comes home in the middle of the night and wakes you up for sex and you’re ok with that? You’re a better man than I am, Gunga Din.

But apart from that, no I wouldn’t be kicking my 3 year old out of bed for that reason. My youngest is 3 and I cherish the nights when she comes into our bed for snuggles, I know from the experience of our eldest that it won’t last forever. You can easily nip into another room for a shag.

I’m with your DH..

My daughter came in and out of my bed until she was 12!
So unless you want him in bed with you forever, nip this in the bud now.
With my nearly 3 year old son, I got him a tent bed and it has a zip, he can't come out so if he does cry, I join him for 5 min, and settle him back. My bed is no longer an option.
We co slept for 2 years tho, and that's enough.

Yes, completely agree. A scared toddler shouldn’t have to sleep alone. I co-slept with mine.

Why don’t people read posts properly? He isn’t waking her up at night for sex, it’s only when they both want and it’s mostly initiated by HER when they are alone. He probably just wants his own bed so he can get a good night sleep without sharing with a squirmy child . The child has his own bed .

You need to ask husband to carry your child back to his own bed. Problem solved.

Good point.

You snuggle your baby!! I say this as I snuggle my 3 yo daughter and my husband snuggles me.

We bed share and it makes for much better sleep.

He will go back to sleeping in his bed. In the meantime you can just have sex somewhere else at another time.

I was given this piece of advice many years ago ‘THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR CHILDREN IS TO NURTURE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARTNER’. Children do not want their parents to break up! Apologies to those who have sadly had partners pass away or have left a relationship because of abuse.

I would keep snuggles with LO. Come up with new time/place with DH. It won’t be forever

Children are a product of a relationship, not the reason for it.

And are these posters in the room with us right now?

I'd suggest that the posters with contempt for men are the ones suggesting they'll happily abandon their wife and young children if they get less sex than they'd hoped. Surely not all men are that shallow?

Your husband is right. It's his bed too, his routine and sleeping arrangement. Son needs to be disciplined and made to go back to his room and that's that.

Remember we're on Mumsnet. So the Nanny can keep the 3 year old entertained in the East Wing while Mummy & Daddy are getting it on in the West Wing.

I find it weird that people will talk about what a 3 year old needs to learn and talk about normal development as 'regression' but there's absolutely no onus on the husband as a grown man to make any allowances for said 3 year old and in fact talk about him as of he's a separate supreme being of the family.

That's a bit of a leap isn't it?

Someone coming home from nights should ideally sleep in a separate bed anway - will be on a completely different sleep schedule.

Some of the posts on here are very uncomfortable reading tbh.

My DH is not perfect, can be a bit lazy, definitely would like more sex than he gets (if he could have it every night he would, before anyone accuses me of not meeting his needs) but there is no way he’d leave me because a toddler wanted to sleep with me and he wasn’t getting his leg over no way.

Lates is a bit of a different schedule to nights, if he is like mine on a late shift he comes home at midnight, most the time I'm still up but sometimes I've already gone to bed so we just miss each other.

When he used to work nights he came home at 4am, I much prefer the lates as we get up at the same time!