To think my kids are better off me staying as a single mum and not wanting them to have a stepdad

[Clydebankie1]

I'm a single mum of two, my daughter is 11 and my son is 6. My son is also autistic with delayed development. Neither have met their fathers, DD's buggered off abroad with another woman when I was 7mnths pregnant and DS was conceived through a one night stand (the only person I've been with in this time). I am constantly being asked by well meaning friends/family members when I will start dating, etc and get a lot of sympathetic head tilts when I reply that I'm really not bothered. I grew up in a blended family shitshow and do not want this for my babies. I was such an unhappy kid and it might sound dramatic, but I feel quite traumatised by it. Both of my two are really settled and I honestly don't think they are any worse off from living in a single parent household. But the people around me don't seem to believe that and don't see us as "complete" as I don't have a man. AIBU to think that actually, my kids are better off with it being just us, than introducing some random bloke and potentially his own kids, in to our life?

I agree. I'm exactly the same. I've no intention of being with anyone, my daughter is 7. I was talking to a man not long ago but he was very annoying and only made me realise all the more that I want it to be just me and the child.

People who believe everyone needs or wants a partner are some of the reason more people stay in the most messed up relationships than should.

If you are happy, you are happy. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone.

This is me after most interactions I have with a man 🤣 I do get male attention and will consider a FWB situation in the future, but I honestly have absolutely no desire to bring a bloke around my kids.

Im the same. I dont think my children are missing out not having a father figure. I dont think me moving some man in will be beneficial. I think its better and safer just us 3.

True, one lady in particular who likes to ask if I'm dating, her husband was actually caught in a paedophile 'sting' talking to what he thought was a 12 year old girl. But she stayed with him anyway!

YANBU. Just remember you can have a boyfriend without them moving in, or even spending time with your DC if you so wish.

You are completely correct.

They are so much better off with you as a single mum than they would be with a stepdad.

And tbf you don't have a history of great choices when it comes to men! I'd admit that 'good judge of character' isn't in your skill set and save dating for when they're adults.

I'm the same, no interest in finding a man again. They're just not worth the hassle.

especially of dating, christ, I have so many other things to do with my time than try to filter through blokes in an attempt to find a good one.

You could still have a relationship if you wanted to, just don’t move them in. I have lived separately from my partner for 12 years as neither of us thought it fair on the children.

See, even having a boyfriend, the thought of disagreements with them down the line and the stress it causes, normal relationship stuff, I just can't be arsed with when trying to raise two kids. Ultimately it will just take my focus away from trying to be a good mum. A shag/FWB situation I will be looking in to in the future

I thought the same as a single mum. I did go on to meet someone and got married, had more kids. Been together 10 years now, he is their father. There's nothing wrong with staying single if that's what you want but don't write yourself off.

Yanbu

Have a look at the many threads on here where blended families aren’t working. There is an awful one posted this afternoon in fact.

I’ve been a single mum for 5 years and have zero interest in moving a man into my home with my kids. Not that it’s an option, I can’t even get past a first date 🤣

I’ve yet to see one blended family that works (including when I tried it) so absolutely no way will I be bringing a man into my dc lives and nor will my dc become part of a blended family (thankfully that issue on the other side hasn’t come up)

Eh? Who is talking about benefits? Why run the risk of your dc bumping into a strange man on the landing twice a week?

Suck a fat one feathers

Yup. Even if you don't end up with someone awful, generally what happens is that family resources (time, money etc.) that should be focused on the children end up diverted away from them.

I completely agree.

Ive got a 10 year old and an 8 year old, youngest has some Sen needs. Have been a single parent since the youngest was one.

I won’t live with someone whilst they are children, I want them to have a stable, settled family life, and I don’t want to end up picking up after a random guy or having debates with him about my parenting.

I do date a bit for fun / nights out / sex etc but not interested in settling with anyone until the kids are adults.

Totally agree. Majority of situations with step-parents end up being less than beneficial to the kids (and some downright dangerous). I know women with multiple exes they've inflicted on their kids.

Even very long term things end up being problematic. Eg dhs mum died, her husband who'd known dh since childhood (and seemed a good guy) effectively failed to keep in touch despite all our efforts. All dhs mum's assets went to him obviously then dh got absolutely no inheritance and when stepdad dies dh won't even know, let alone be entitled to inherit anything.

I definitely wouldn't be introducing a stepdad into kids lives.

You've very clearly chosen a non-standard family life for you and your children, so I don’t see why anyone would be surprised you continue to.

Wish more mums were like you putting your children first before themselves and a “random” guy. Wait till they are older to focus on yourself- well done on being so selfless

It depends on your situation. My daughter doesn't remember a time before her stepfather, and he is an extraordinary, wonderful influence on her life. A good step parent is a wonderful thing. A bad one is horrific.

Who is saying this? Ive only ever experienced the opposite I’m a single mum and want to date again and get constantly told I shouldn’t! I’m amazed to hear anyone has experienced the opposite

Yanbu.

It is quite clear in terms of good outcomes for dc.

The number one predictor for child abuse is a step parent in the home.

Completely agree. My DS was 11 when unplugging his father and I never wanted another man in his life. He has a great father, he doesn’t need another one.

I did date someone for 3 years but he only met my son a handful of times - I had no interest intern having a relationship (and tbh my son showed zero interest in him)

Absolutely dating that’s what you want but definitely keep your family and adult lives separate