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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my kids are better off me staying as a single mum and not wanting them to have a stepdad

191 replies

Clydebankie1 · 26/11/2025 13:47

I'm a single mum of two, my daughter is 11 and my son is 6. My son is also autistic with delayed development. Neither have met their fathers, DD's buggered off abroad with another woman when I was 7mnths pregnant and DS was conceived through a one night stand (the only person I've been with in this time). I am constantly being asked by well meaning friends/family members when I will start dating, etc and get a lot of sympathetic head tilts when I reply that I'm really not bothered. I grew up in a blended family shitshow and do not want this for my babies. I was such an unhappy kid and it might sound dramatic, but I feel quite traumatised by it. Both of my two are really settled and I honestly don't think they are any worse off from living in a single parent household. But the people around me don't seem to believe that and don't see us as "complete" as I don't have a man. AIBU to think that actually, my kids are better off with it being just us, than introducing some random bloke and potentially his own kids, in to our life?

OP posts:
Calendulaaria · 27/11/2025 20:43

I'm with you. I have older teenagers, but haven't had a partner since I split with their Dad when they were young. I was abused as a child and was especially wary of bringing a man into our home for that reason (not that I think all men are like that). I has felt good to just focus on the children and then think about dating (maybe) when they're grown.

Rtmhwales · 27/11/2025 20:44

adropofgoldensun · 26/11/2025 16:47

I don’t really like the narrative that you are ‘putting your kids first’ if you dare to have another relationship because that implies that people who do date again are lesser parents. Or that they care less about their kids.

I know blending families can be complex and not always in the best interests of the children involved. However I had a wonderful stepdad who enhanced my life in many ways. He’s no longer with us but I will always be grateful that my mum brought such a great man into our lives.

I split with my eldest’s dad when he was a toddler and have also remarried. My son and dh have a good relationship and I know that our lives are easier practically, emotionally and financially because I met dh. There is no way ds would have had half of the opportunities or experiences he’s had if id stayed single forever.

Anyway the bottom line is that we all do things differently and if you choose to stay single because you think that’s best for you and your dc then that’s admirable. But let’s not vilify people who do things differently.

Same. DH had both an amazing step father and a wonderful step mother. He calls each of them weekly and they’re lovely people who really shaped him.

My eldest stepson thanked me this morning on the way to school for being so helpful with something and said he loves me being his mom.

It’s not always cut and dried.

myglowupera · 27/11/2025 20:45

I agree. My children are just fine without a stepdad and they definitely don’t need step-siblings coming along invading their lives.

Praying4Peace · 27/11/2025 20:47

Clydebankie1 · 26/11/2025 14:03

See, even having a boyfriend, the thought of disagreements with them down the line and the stress it causes, normal relationship stuff, I just can't be arsed with when trying to raise two kids. Ultimately it will just take my focus away from trying to be a good mum. A shag/FWB situation I will be looking in to in the future

With contraception!!!!!!!

cannynotsay · 27/11/2025 20:52

Hated being in a blended family

celticprincess · 27/11/2025 20:54

I’m the same. Been single 12 years now. Not even a sniff of anyone else. Really not interested. My teenagers have even commented that they don’t want me to get another man. But my mum keeps suggesting I need one, for when they grow up and leave.

Original poster
Clydebankie1 · 27/11/2025 21:21

Praying4Peace · 27/11/2025 20:47

With contraception!!!!!!!

Show quote history

Yes Mum!

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/11/2025 21:36

Totally with you OP.

I have two children from my past marriage - they are 17 and 11 now but we’ve been separated and then divorced for nine years. So I’m “lucky” in so far as I’ve always had something of a break (although it’s been patchy, especially during Covid) when they go to him, and I get maintenance, but unlucky in that I still have to see him and deal with the various issues he causes.

Their Dad has a new partner and r two younger children. So when the children go there, they have to be in a house where we all used to live, but where now their step mum and youngest siblings live full time, but they are only there part time. I think it would be so shitty if when they were here too there was another man and potentially other children who got to be here full time. So they were the only ones who didn’t have a permanent place.

OK, I am here all the time, but the don’t feel like there’s a family life that goes on here with it them. There’s just me usually sleeping, working, going for a run or occasionally seeing friends, none of which they feel left out of!

freakingscared · 27/11/2025 21:41

I was a single mum for 13 years and I never left the need for a man . I had my house my car my kids by career etc and then I meet a wonderful man and 5 years after we got married . My biggest advice is , invest in yourself , learning to be alone is something many never learn how to do and it’s very important . I do not think I needed a man to be complete , I just think I was lucky and I use to find one that is a wonderful and an amazing step parent to my children . Be independent but allow yourself to love too if it happens .

Original poster
Clydebankie1 · 27/11/2025 21:48

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/11/2025 21:36

Totally with you OP.

I have two children from my past marriage - they are 17 and 11 now but we’ve been separated and then divorced for nine years. So I’m “lucky” in so far as I’ve always had something of a break (although it’s been patchy, especially during Covid) when they go to him, and I get maintenance, but unlucky in that I still have to see him and deal with the various issues he causes.

Their Dad has a new partner and r two younger children. So when the children go there, they have to be in a house where we all used to live, but where now their step mum and youngest siblings live full time, but they are only there part time. I think it would be so shitty if when they were here too there was another man and potentially other children who got to be here full time. So they were the only ones who didn’t have a permanent place.

OK, I am here all the time, but the don’t feel like there’s a family life that goes on here with it them. There’s just me usually sleeping, working, going for a run or occasionally seeing friends, none of which they feel left out of!

Thank you for this comment as the part about feeling like there was a family life going on without them was exactly how I felt as a kid .. I remember I would spend half the week with my mum and her new family, half the week with my dad and his new family and I remember once getting super upset because my mum booked a holiday with her new boyfriend and his kids to an all inclusive in Spain but me and sis couldn't go because it fell on "dad's days". Honestly what a mess and maybe it sounds selfish but it wouldn't of been so upsetting had my mum not been having a fab holiday with kids that weren't us 🤣

OP posts:
Worriedwakinghours · 27/11/2025 21:51

Absolutely agree with you and I am the same. I have a wonderful DC who is 7 and parenting is so fulfilling, I want to be the best mum I can be given our circumstances after separation and DC being a child of two homes and a broken marriage.

I don't need a random man to take any of my time and effort and distract me from building my happy life for me and DC. Why on earth would I bring a stranger into my child's life?

Bryonyberries · 27/11/2025 21:52

I’ve been single since my ex went off with a work colleague when our youngest was only 2yo. I never wanted the potential problems of blended families and step parents so I’ve stayed single. I don’t regret it but I am a little envious of those in loving relationships, a good partner would be lovely. My children are old enough for me to start looking again now.

FastFood · 27/11/2025 21:53

Not unreasonnable at all OP.
My mum made the same decision and I'll forever be grateful for that. She waited for us to leave home and to be self-sufficient to get into a serious relationship, now married for 25 years!

She had relationships, but always kept a lid on them, we never ever met anyone.
My dad did remarry and had more kids, and I think we were all somewhat resentful of that.

FastFood · 27/11/2025 21:59

Just to add: There's nothing like the feeling that you're the top priority for your parent. My mum made that very clear, and we love her for that.

I have some friends who didn't have the luck to have at least one loving parent and it's very damaging.

Betty1305 · 27/11/2025 22:13

YANBU
I am literally just ‘unblending’ from my second marriage. My sons are now just adults and if I’m being completely honest with myself I really regret the past 8 years where I’ve tried to blend and balance my relationship with my sons, my husband and his children. If I could go back I’d stay living with just my kids…I’m not saying I wouldn’t have a relationship, I’d just keep it secondary to my life with my sons.
Fortunately I have a great relationship with my boys and it hasn’t been detrimental to our relationship. I just wish I’d not torn myself in two trying to make it work.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/11/2025 22:17

Clydebankie1 · 27/11/2025 21:48

Thank you for this comment as the part about feeling like there was a family life going on without them was exactly how I felt as a kid .. I remember I would spend half the week with my mum and her new family, half the week with my dad and his new family and I remember once getting super upset because my mum booked a holiday with her new boyfriend and his kids to an all inclusive in Spain but me and sis couldn't go because it fell on "dad's days". Honestly what a mess and maybe it sounds selfish but it wouldn't of been so upsetting had my mum not been having a fab holiday with kids that weren't us 🤣

Edited
Show quote history

Sorry that you went through that, it sounds really tough 😢 I can well believe it was horrible to think of your Mum being on holiday with other kids without you.

I’m quite lucky again because my ex is quite lazy and he’s usually happy enough if I want them a bit more.

Im by no means saying it perfect for kids in the set up we have - living in two houses is hard work for them even as we are, but I think it’s right not to make it even worse.

You sound like an amazing Mum who puts your kids at the centre of your life, and I’m sure they are very happy with the stable and calm life you’ve made for them. Why on earth people think you should bring an unrelated man into your home and their lives have no idea.

I had the opposite in my childhood - I had parents who didn’t get on, often argued and had very different interests and priorities but still persisted in living together (they are still together now, and still bicker pretty much constantly in their 70s). Maybe they like it like that! But I didn’t enjoy that as a child, and that was something I didn’t want for my children. I wanted them to have calm and stability, and at least they get that here, for 10/14 days.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/11/2025 22:18

Also sorry for all my typos that I didn’t edit in time!

Mydadsbirthday · 27/11/2025 22:30

You sound great. You just have to read all the threads on here by women trying to blend families in the most unsuitable circumstances or moving a man in way way too soon, or dealing with problem step kids on top of their own kids - all to the detriment of their own children - just because they need a man. Makes me mad and there are so many of them.

You keep going as you are and your kids will thank you.

FlashyAndShiny · 27/11/2025 22:41

Focus on your children. You can date when they grow up.

TwinklySquid · 27/11/2025 23:14

I tried dating and it was just so difficult. It added way too much stress to my life. At this point I don’t even want a FWB situation.

I don’t think you are weird for not wanting the added stresses a relationship brings.

ASimpleLampoon · 27/11/2025 23:35

When there's A male in the house, whether bio or step he wants all the focus on himself. His needs matter most.

Men are utterly selfish.

SpoonBaloon · 28/11/2025 00:13

I am an adult and my parents were married, and to be totally honest I’m so grateful I didn’t grow up in a blended family.

The thought of having to go and live in another man’s house - or to have had a man come and live in our house - sends a cold shiver down my spine. And the thought that he might have had kids of his own I would suddenly have to mix with makes me feel sick.

I have a friend whose mother and father separated. His mother met a new man and moved her two kids in with him and his kids. She’s now split up from him and is engaged to a new man she’s moved in with. I admit I am quite precious but I can’t imagine being in my friend’s situation and not being able to go home for a few days.

His father met a new woman and settled with her and they’ve been together for years now.

I see threads on here about blended families and all the issues caused by them, and the insistence that the step-grandparents should treat the kids as their own and it turns my stomach. I’m sure it can work out in some cases but I wouldn’t hold my breath.

I think your kids will be much happier living with a single parent. Obviously you are free to a private life, just try not to move him in.

222days · 28/11/2025 03:49

MouseCheese87 · 26/11/2025 14:05

I thought the same as a single mum. I did go on to meet someone and got married, had more kids. Been together 10 years now, he is their father. There's nothing wrong with staying single if that's what you want but don't write yourself off.

How is not wanting a boyfriend or husband “writing herself off”? Confused

MinnieMountain · 28/11/2025 05:51

YANBU. Both my parents re-married. DM had more DCs, there were step-siblings with my father. It was difficult living in either house.

If anything happens to/with my DH, I’m done.

qqwwkkssvvg · 28/11/2025 07:11

MouseCheese87 · 26/11/2025 14:05

I thought the same as a single mum. I did go on to meet someone and got married, had more kids. Been together 10 years now, he is their father. There's nothing wrong with staying single if that's what you want but don't write yourself off.

See the thing is, I view going on to have more kids as writing the first children off. I’ve had my family, if DH and I split, I’m not going to try to validate a future relationship and have another child to the detriment of mine.