To think my kids are better off me staying as a single mum and not wanting them to have a stepdad

[Clydebankie1]

I'm a single mum of two, my daughter is 11 and my son is 6. My son is also autistic with delayed development. Neither have met their fathers, DD's buggered off abroad with another woman when I was 7mnths pregnant and DS was conceived through a one night stand (the only person I've been with in this time). I am constantly being asked by well meaning friends/family members when I will start dating, etc and get a lot of sympathetic head tilts when I reply that I'm really not bothered. I grew up in a blended family shitshow and do not want this for my babies. I was such an unhappy kid and it might sound dramatic, but I feel quite traumatised by it. Both of my two are really settled and I honestly don't think they are any worse off from living in a single parent household. But the people around me don't seem to believe that and don't see us as "complete" as I don't have a man. AIBU to think that actually, my kids are better off with it being just us, than introducing some random bloke and potentially his own kids, in to our life?

Another thing, I remember reading (I think it was on here?) about a woman who became a stepmother and joined a forum just for stepmothers, and was horrified to find that around 80% of the women on this forum seemed to hate their stepchildren. Obviously there's some selection bias there (unhappy people tend to vent more) but still... Also, I know a family quite well who on the outside look like the perfect blended family, and if you asked the adults they would say they are a happy family and they treat all the children equally, but when she talks about the kids, the disdain for her stepchildren, compared with the love and admiration for her biological children, is palpable. And she's not even aware of it. She would swear she treats them all the same. To some extent I think it's natural (I can't see myself loving another child the way I love mine) but it's awful for the poor kids.

I made the terrible mistake of meeting and marrying again after I was divorced from my DDs father. My DDs are both autistic. Their stepdad never understood their needs. And my DDs only ever accepted him as my choice. We never lived together…Our marriage ended almost a year ago now and it was definitely the right decision. Blending a family is really hard work!!!

Your kids are 💯 better off living with their mother than having a step Dad. Have you heard of the Cinderella Effecf? The chance of a child being abused increasing 100x with the presence of a step-parent. Look it up.

I completely agree with this. There’s such a range of family situations that to say it is always wrong to blend a family is such a simplification.

a very major predictor of children’s happiness is their mothers happiness. That isn’t to say that it is a good thing to blend families even if the situation is clearly not going to work for the children, ultimately the children ought to come first, but the mothers happiness is a relevant part of the equation. Some blended situations are harder for kids than others. Some actually work well, several of my friends are very close to their step parents.

I am so depressed and lonely since my husband left me that I am not being the mum I want to be. I’ve taken all my strength to try to rebuild myself and not fall apart so I can keep my job and rebuild a home for them but I’m on a short fuse and not as proactive as I used to be about arranging play dates etc. I’m not looking to date at the moment, still less introduce anyone to them, but the idea I can never have any kind of relationship for the next 14 years honestly just makes me want to die. I don’t think I would want to ever move someone in but I hoped before I am almost 60 my kids might be introduced to someone.

(they are mainly with me so if the partner can never meet my kids I’d basically hardly ever see him)

Surely it depends on the man! A decent man will enhance your family unit. Obviously, the issue is how to find and choose a decent one that will bring something to your household and family without bringing a load of baggage and potential abuse etc.

Totally agree
Son 14. Been single since start. Can't imagine being in a relationship I enjoy being single. It's just hard financially/hard work being only adult to earn the money/look after house etc

@LalaPaloosa2024 So therefore all steparenting situations (male and female) should always be avoided at all costs?

Maybe think ahead14. Years and the children may have moved on. Do you want to wait until then happy as you are and then maybe find someone to share time/ life with. Or do you want to maybe explore a connection before then?

The research shows kids are better off long term with a father figure in their lives, less likely to get into crime and addiction.

You are one of the rare few women who think like this op and you are a very good mum as it’s clear that your kids come first. Sadly so many women don’t put their kids first and it’s men men men.
my own dm did the same too and I wouldn’t bring any man to live with my kids and especially not their kids!

What research? So just man then? Doesn’t have to be a good one, just a man in the house?

I don't really think blended families work unless you can afford a large enough property between you eventually. Otherwise kids who have never needed to share end up being asked to etc
I couldn't afford that, so only dated men with no children after my divorce (I already had two sons).
Worked out well for me.

Father figures can be all sorts of people. My ex husband is not a good father and not a good influence. My son has had a very stable upbringing and is a good, kind, decent kid. His lack of father has been to his benefit. “Research” does not cover all bases. No father is far far better than a shit one.

For God’s sake. Why do people assume that you have to have a man to “enhance your family unit”. Utter nonsense. No thanks.

This is really responsible of you OP. I work with kids and a lot of them are forced into blended families and they clearly suffer from it. Well done for putting your kids first.

I don’t think your unreasonable for wanting to stay single, I have a friend who has done the same and is very happy.

I have step-parents and I love them a lot, however I was very young when they came into my life so I can’t actually remember life before them, so I imagine that makes my experience very different.

Unfortunately myself and DC lost their dad when they were only 3, I was in my early twenties and 5 years later I did go on to meet my now DH now 10 years ago, DC and DH get on well and love each other, again this is a different circumstance as I don’t have to co-parent but neither so you, so that could make it easier if you ever wanted to blend families?

I think if you’re happy being single that’s great but if you do ever change your mind I think thats okay also.

A good second parent can absolutely enhance the family unit - especially if the biological one is absent.

Having a second parent; all rude family members they bring; two incomes; greater level of support. It can also be a disaster/unhappy, of course. I’ve been on both sides.

There’s nothing wrong with a solo mum or dad moving on if they choose, as long as their children are at the forefront of their decision making - although kudos to those who parent alone and make it work!

If I split with DH I would 100% stay single until my teens are fully adults. Also grew up in a blended family. Not sure an outside man is worth the hassle while juggling a young family past maybe your twenties, I’m so much more settled and content with life as it is in my thirties.

It is also incredibly hard financially with only one income after divorce - paying rent/bills/everything else (especially if 50/50 so zero maintenance). I remember struggling to find money for a packet of ham at one point. Easier of course with two salaries but shouldn't ever be the primary reason re remarriage.

Agree.

Ah op I thought this was going to be a question about eg marriage. Course they’re better off! I’d never feel sorry for a single mum x

I think I’ve made it clear it’s not for me or my children. I have seen zero positive experiences of bringing in a “second parent” and I’m pushing on a bit. Absolutely not.

Sorry, I haven’t seen your previous posts and was just making a general point. My post is also not judgemental at all, but there clearly are positive for some families

It’d take one hell of a man for me to remotely consider a new relationship. I have no time, desire or space in my heart other than for DS. My mother moved her arsehole bf in when I was primary school age. I’d rather be dead than do that to my son. Do your friends have your best interests at heart or is it because “woman needs man for fulfilment, status and completion’ otherwise they’re some sort of failure? You know in your heart what you want, listen to that.

Hear hear. The very thought of being in another relationship gives me a nervous stomach. I’ve lost my own identity each time I’ve committed to a long term relationship. 7 years single and I’ve never been more content and happy in myself. My ex is an excellent co parent. Aside from sex there’s not a smidgen of want or need.