To think my kids are better off me staying as a single mum and not wanting them to have a stepdad

[Clydebankie1]

I'm a single mum of two, my daughter is 11 and my son is 6. My son is also autistic with delayed development. Neither have met their fathers, DD's buggered off abroad with another woman when I was 7mnths pregnant and DS was conceived through a one night stand (the only person I've been with in this time). I am constantly being asked by well meaning friends/family members when I will start dating, etc and get a lot of sympathetic head tilts when I reply that I'm really not bothered. I grew up in a blended family shitshow and do not want this for my babies. I was such an unhappy kid and it might sound dramatic, but I feel quite traumatised by it. Both of my two are really settled and I honestly don't think they are any worse off from living in a single parent household. But the people around me don't seem to believe that and don't see us as "complete" as I don't have a man. AIBU to think that actually, my kids are better off with it being just us, than introducing some random bloke and potentially his own kids, in to our life?

I’m happily married but my sister flat out refuses to date at all. She’s earth 40s and has two kids with additional needs age 8-12. She did a masters in psychology and worked in children’s care homes and she refuses to date because the biggest indicator of child abuse in the home is the presence of a step parent. That always stuck with her and seeing the effects abuse had on the kids in her care much have been scary.

But theres a different between dating someone and moving them into your house. What risk would a bloke she went out for dinner and drinks with ( without her kids) pose to them?

It’s literally just sex. How is it anymore inappropriate than having sex with the children’s father?

She doesn’t want ANYBODY to be living with her kids apart from her. And where do you think dating ends up? I imagine she will days later in life when they leave home ( if they ever do). Not right now she’s very focused on her children and protecting them. She also knows about me being abused by our step dad’s best friend when I was 14 and she was 10. It happens much more than petite even begin to realise. And she doesn’t want that to happen so had sworn off men as it’s her right. Like I said, the hard truth is that children are much less likely to be abused if the love only with biological parents. Introduce a step parent and that risk goes through the roof.

@qqwwkkssvvg For a start, my husband moved in with me (I'm the higher earner), into a house that my family were already living in, solely afforded by myself, and solely in my name. So he, years after my split to my son's father, "shacked up" with me!
Four years married soon and never been happier after a miserable and abusive first marriage.
Best decision I made!

If doesn't have to end up with him moving in. I've been with my current partner for over 10 years. We don't live together.

So nobody apart from me was living with my kids.

I had one for a long time. Entirely separate from my children. What on Earth is “unseemly” about wanting to have sex? Is that supposed to stop when you become a parent? Bloody hell, what a weird thing to say.

@Cherrytree86 I think you're in the wrong century, it's 2025 not 1925. What do you imagine "friends with benefits" involves? Sprawled naked on the sofa with the kid watching cbeebies? As @TheFormidableMrsC said, it's an entirely separate thing to the children so being a mother is irrelevant. I suspect you think the concept would be unseemly for anyone, which is fine, that's an opinion, but the idea that mothers! (pearl clutch) might still have a sex life being distasteful is frankly offensive.

im joking! The fact that some posters think I might actually not be and might hold such views really does indicate how deeply engrained toxic systems like the patriarchy and misogyny are. At the end of the day, some people DO genuinely think like that, which is depressing.

Sorry but you didn’t appear to be joking at all. You made a statement that had no indication of humour.

@TheFormidableMrsC

its very hard to convey tone on here. But you’ll just have to take my word for it that I do not believe that women who are mothers shouldn’t have friends with benefits if that’s what they want. I am acutely aware that I am in no position to judge and never would. There are people however in real life who hold such views and that is worrying and a real indicator of the level of internalised misogyny that affects many.

YANBU. I wish more parents would make the same decision. It's completely unfair on kids to have someone new move into their home.

You made your original comment and then when asked why, said it was unseemly. That would have been the time to say you were joking or added an emoji.

@RhaenysRocks

well, whatever 🤷‍♀️

Single parent to one DC, have been single officially 2 years. I was keen to date and then I found out my ex has a new girlfriend and for some reason it has really put me off. I have struggled mentally being on my own but I am more determined than ever to be a single parent and make a happy home for my DC.
I honestly believe that being a single parent (main caregiver) is more socially acceptable. It’s hard work keeping on top of the house and finances but it’s doable if you have the right mindset.

However I would not turn down a single hard working guy that wants a two day a week romance.

YANBU. I’ve actually told DH that if I die, he is not to bring a stepmother into my children’s lives, at least until they are grown. None of this “I want you to be happy and meet someone” for me! And I would apply the same to myself. Luckily he entirely agrees with me.