To think my kids are better off me staying as a single mum and not wanting them to have a stepdad

[Clydebankie1]

I'm a single mum of two, my daughter is 11 and my son is 6. My son is also autistic with delayed development. Neither have met their fathers, DD's buggered off abroad with another woman when I was 7mnths pregnant and DS was conceived through a one night stand (the only person I've been with in this time). I am constantly being asked by well meaning friends/family members when I will start dating, etc and get a lot of sympathetic head tilts when I reply that I'm really not bothered. I grew up in a blended family shitshow and do not want this for my babies. I was such an unhappy kid and it might sound dramatic, but I feel quite traumatised by it. Both of my two are really settled and I honestly don't think they are any worse off from living in a single parent household. But the people around me don't seem to believe that and don't see us as "complete" as I don't have a man. AIBU to think that actually, my kids are better off with it being just us, than introducing some random bloke and potentially his own kids, in to our life?

I never had a relationship that was a stepdad situation either, and I was on my own from Dd being 6 weeks old.
Dd only ever knew about one man and that was vague, she's 24 now and I don't regret my decision.
BTW, I think I might live near you, in the town H, further down the river!

But having a boyfriend/ going out on dates is nothing to do with a step parent in the home. I've been with my partner 10 years and he's never moved in Nor did another long term partner ( 11 years)

Single parent of two ND kids here. I've been single for 7 years. I briefly browsed dating sites a few years ago but realised I was only doing it because so many people were putting pressure on about me being single.

Life with autistic kids is busy and complicated enough without me also needing to accommodate a boyfriend/partner/dating etc.

Funnily enough I find the biggest pressure seems to be from unhappily coupled up friends and family. It's almost like I make them uncomfortable by being happier single than they are married 🤣

My mum never introduced a boyfriend to us (let alone moved someone in). I'll forever be grateful that she put us first and provided a fully safe and secure home for us to grow up in.

She's with a lovely partner now and I'm really happy for her, but I'm so glad she waited until I'd left home.

I don’t really like the narrative that you are ‘putting your kids first’ if you dare to have another relationship because that implies that people who do date again are lesser parents. Or that they care less about their kids.

I know blending families can be complex and not always in the best interests of the children involved. However I had a wonderful stepdad who enhanced my life in many ways. He’s no longer with us but I will always be grateful that my mum brought such a great man into our lives.

I split with my eldest’s dad when he was a toddler and have also remarried. My son and dh have a good relationship and I know that our lives are easier practically, emotionally and financially because I met dh. There is no way ds would have had half of the opportunities or experiences he’s had if id stayed single forever.

Anyway the bottom line is that we all do things differently and if you choose to stay single because you think that’s best for you and your dc then that’s admirable. But let’s not vilify people who do things differently.

Don’t blame you at all!

I think you’ve got your priorities right.

I love this and it is fantastic for you and your ds that you have both had positive experiences - but let’s not deny that sadly yours are the exception rather than the norm.

It may have helped that neither my stepdad or my dh had kids of their own.

I don’t know the stats so I can’t say what the norm is, but I suppose you only ever hear about the families where things have gone horribly wrong.

Like I said, each to their own but I don’t like it when women pull other women down by accusing them of not caring about their kids just because they’ve met someone.

Same here OP. Every year that goes by I am grateful for being single. I only know 2 couples who are happy of all of my peers. The men we know have mostly all cheated, had kids out of the marriage, sex parties, sexual deviancy, two were arrested for white collar crime, one even came out as gay. In hindsight our male leaving when DC were tiny and fucking off without paying maintenance has saved us a lot of heartache.

On the whole I agree. Most of the blended families I know don’t look that great for the kids … it’s all about the parents’ wants and they have convinced themselves the kids are happy….

But I do know one person who had the most amazing step dad after her own dad died though.

The biggest risk to a child is an unrelated male, and there's numerous articles online about studies that proved single (childfree) women are the happiest group in society.

Enjoy the bliss of being free of men, and best avoid the woman who's married to a paedo-her opinions are obviously trash.

I'm exactly the same for the same reasons

Kids need a mum who is sane and strong. Not one who is begging some man to love her kids 🙄🙄🙄

Yanbu xx

Staying single was my choice after my husband died. I grew up in a shitshow too and one of my mom's fiances assaulted me when I was vulnerable on crutches.

No way would I put my kids through that bullshit that I and other kids I grew went through. Dating, fine. Stayovers or live together, hell no.

There's a current case in the news here where a teen girl was killed on a cruise and the only suspect is her step brother that she was sharing a cabin with.

This is definitely best for the kids but pretty hard to achieve in reality if you have kids on your own 100% of the time.

OP how would the practicalities of dating even work with the kids?
You don't need to justify it, there'll be time for dating when they're older.

I've been on my own with the DC for three years now, after a long abusive marriage, and although it's taking a while to put myself back together, I honestly cannot imagine ever wanting or needing a man in the same way again.

Me and the DC have everything we need - we have each other and a calm, happy, peaceful and loving home. They still see their dad but I hope that one day they won't even want to do that (as he continues to abuse us), and the longer we are without him, the easier and sweeter life is.

Good on you @Clydebankie1, your kids have a great mum.

YANBU, I think blended families are so harmful, they rarely work, not for the pre-existing children, it’s all about the adults. I won’t lie I have trauma from my parents’ break up, but I am SO grateful they didnt get new partners until we were adults. I can’t imagine navigating new adults alongside the usual stress of growing up! But do appreciate how challenging it must be for the single parent.

It really warms me to hear your viewpoint and that of others OP.

Both me and my DH grew up in 'blended families' and we definitely suffered for it as did the rest of the kids. One thing we both swore to one another was that we would categorically not move another adult into our children's lives should we split and certainly NEVER expect our children to live with them or their children.

Too often the children are completely ignored in the decision when it comes to the sex lives of their parents seeking shags off other adults.

I truly commend you for taking this stand 🙏🏻

All you need is a man replacement machine that puts the bins out!

Good on you OP. Families can be messy enough as it is without being 'blended', usually to the detriment of the children.

I have to say I don’t think blended families work unless everyone is committed to trying, there’s an equitable approach to it from the adults in the house and there isn’t uneven expectation with the kids or one child being bullied etc.

I have attempted blending and it was a horrific disaster, I won’t be exposing my kids to a situation like that again or meeting any other man (unless they are an absolute keeper)

I would however be open to dating eventually.

Is that meant to convey as much condemnation as I got from it?

(Very likely I’m just still stunned and scandalised by the thread just read, wherein a stepfather is refusing to acknowledge the existence of a small boy with any decency or kindness. Excuse me if I've completely misread your remarks)

As long as you’re allowed FEBs op then I think you’re right 👍

Not unreasonable at all. Meeting someone else after my marriage fell apart was the first thing to ever happen to my family. On paper it seemed blissful, br was good with the kids and an all round good guy…. Until we found out the hard way he wasn’t and he’d been sneaking into my daughter’s room while she slept FOR YEARS. With my whole heart I wish I had stayed single. I will never have another relationship, even when y kids have left.

YANBU. Blended families rarely work out. Atleast not for the children. But be careful with the one night stands😉