To think my kids are better off me staying as a single mum and not wanting them to have a stepdad

[Clydebankie1]

I'm a single mum of two, my daughter is 11 and my son is 6. My son is also autistic with delayed development. Neither have met their fathers, DD's buggered off abroad with another woman when I was 7mnths pregnant and DS was conceived through a one night stand (the only person I've been with in this time). I am constantly being asked by well meaning friends/family members when I will start dating, etc and get a lot of sympathetic head tilts when I reply that I'm really not bothered. I grew up in a blended family shitshow and do not want this for my babies. I was such an unhappy kid and it might sound dramatic, but I feel quite traumatised by it. Both of my two are really settled and I honestly don't think they are any worse off from living in a single parent household. But the people around me don't seem to believe that and don't see us as "complete" as I don't have a man. AIBU to think that actually, my kids are better off with it being just us, than introducing some random bloke and potentially his own kids, in to our life?

You sound like a great mum OP. You’re absolutely right that blended families, as a rule, are not good for children. I only know one that is truly a success, and it’s down to both parents being wonderful people and putting in so much hard work from the beginning to make it work for everyone.

@qqwwkkssvvg Well my sons have always been 50/50 shared cared anyway, so not at all. It would have been the same had I had a third with their dad. There is a big age gap and we in fact celebrate this - our little girl has two brothers (one now at uni) who adore her. They are all close and to see their bond is a wonderful thing. She has been nothing but a joy to all of us.
My husband is also an exceptional dad to.his first and last bio child ❤️

even if there's no contact with the bio father or he is dead?

And what's the difference between 3 children with age gaps and 2. My DD has 2 children that are 8 years apart( both with her husband) Would it be so awful if they were to have another one?

Not at all what? Shared care is really disruptive to children and then you added a baby/toddler/young child to the mix? Not exactly ideal is it? Would you have wanted that as a child really?

So now the child is dealing with the grief of their dad and their mum is shacking up with a new fella and having a baby. NO I don’t think that’s ok!! I know MN loves to bleat on about the joy of babies but no I think they’re hugely disruptive to pre teens and teens. Parents are pulled into the demanding needs of younger children and inevitably neglect teenagers because it’s a matter of physical needs before emotional ones and the former have to be more reactive. But they deny this.

@qqwwkkssvvg They were both much older when she was born and ex and I had been separated for a long time before she was here. Her brothers love her; the first thing they do when they come home is to find her for a cuddle. They have learned to consider other's needs so much more. Best thing we did.

The child of a deceased parent may not even remember them So hardly " grieving" . A child whose parents split up when they were very young and no further contact may not remember the other parent.

And where is the " shacking up with a new fella? " bit?

How about someone who has the baby without shacking up with the new fella as you put it

Shared care is less disruptive than two bio parents who can’t stand each other. Everyone is entitled to their opinion but you sound incredibly judgemental and lacking in awareness. Everyone’s family is different. Some blended families are shit, others work much better than the bio family ever could have done, some people are better alone.

I think most newly single women experience the same concern from others about not having a man in your life. Often from others wanting to validate their own choices. It does stop once you're obviously enjoying being alone and your dc haven't turned feral.

@adropofgoldensun Totally agree - incredibly judgemental. My eldest went off to uni in September having achieved triple A star and A at A-Level (and as an August-born) which immediately challenges @qqwwkkssvvg opinion of shared care being disruptive.
In fact (God forbid) were ny now husband and I to ever separate, we would both advocate for 50/50 shared care in exactly the same way.
My children now both see a very happily married couple and a settled home full of respect and love.

🤮

My DD was 11 when her dad left…. 5 years on I’ve never so much as even downloaded any dating apps, not been in a single date and am honestly not interested…
Its too risky in my opinion and I think more parents should do so too!

I grew up in a single parent family. For me, the absence of a loving, present father has been a thread through my life. I look at people whose fathers are present and help them and wonder what it must feel like, especially when there is what seems like unlimited financial support. It literally blows my mind.

That said, where the biological fathers are inadequate (and I include my own in that), I agree you’re probably better off without a step father. It seems too risky to me, and potentially very complicated if blended families are involved.

My mum did her absolute best, and I’ll always be grateful, but I was so aware of what was missing and I don’t think I’ll be alone in that. Of course, everyone has their own experiences. It is what it is.

Another vote for no to blending my family. I would consider living with a man maybe but not until the children grow up. I have a dp I keep him completely separate from my kids. Not living together is the answer to happiness I believe!

Agreed. Done that on last 2 relationship spanning 21 years

I think the "blended families dont work" is very old school.
I have an amazing step dad, and even though I was young when my parents divorced I was so happy she finally found someone who treated her right. My step dad treats me like his own.
My stepmum and stepdad split 15 years ago, im in no contact with my dad, but ny step mum is still here, still making special occasions special for me, she is very much family and even 15 years after separating still treats me like her own.
Me, my husband and step daughter have a lovely fun household, constantly laughing and playing, lots of affection and love, something she did not have when her parents were together. They are both my world.

My husband has a warm friendship at the very least with both of his stepparents. His stepmother unblushingly introduces me as her DIL. When she was widowed after many years and remarried we were all at the wedding. We often have family get-togethers with her and my husband's half-sisters. My husband was in business with his stepfather for many years and admires him a great deal. His parents were each much happier with their new spouses.

Totally agree, my Mum is on her 4th marriage so I have had 3 'step dads' and various step siblings over the years. I have always said if me and DH were to separate I would never date especially when they lived at home.

I don't judge others but for thats been important for me.

You can’t have a friends with benefits situation when you’re a mother 😮

Actually the "old school" approach is separated parents pursuing relationships with no thought as to what's best for the children. It's a recent and very positive thing that more and more people are realising blending families rarely works.

Of course you can...what a weird thing to say. Why not?

Very definitely. Prioritise your kids.

No you are not being unreasonable. I have been single since splitting with my ex 7 1/2 years ago when DS was 11.

He struggled initially when his dad left and tbh it took me maybe 3 years to properly start to get over it. We'd been together 20 years. I wanted to be there for my son and I have been. He is a lovely human and I am very proud of him.

Now DS is an adult I am finally starting to wonder about dating but I really don't know if I can be arsed! I don't know how to meet someone the old fashioned way (I don't really hang out in pubs nowadays which is where most of my relationships started) and dating sites for the first time at 50+ is scary. Plus I like my life. I am loosing weight after struggling with it for a long time. I am financially independent.

My relationship with DS dad had so many ups and downs and I read so much crap on here about relationships. Occasionally, I will be asked by friends but they don't push. I usually just say I need to get out more or tell them I am fine (which I am).

I don't blame you one bit OP.

@RhaenysRocks

because it’s unseemly and inappropriate for a mother.

Mothers are still women you know why would it be any more unseemly unless you are taking the kids with you when you go for a shag