To think my kids are better off me staying as a single mum and not wanting them to have a stepdad

[Clydebankie1]

I'm a single mum of two, my daughter is 11 and my son is 6. My son is also autistic with delayed development. Neither have met their fathers, DD's buggered off abroad with another woman when I was 7mnths pregnant and DS was conceived through a one night stand (the only person I've been with in this time). I am constantly being asked by well meaning friends/family members when I will start dating, etc and get a lot of sympathetic head tilts when I reply that I'm really not bothered. I grew up in a blended family shitshow and do not want this for my babies. I was such an unhappy kid and it might sound dramatic, but I feel quite traumatised by it. Both of my two are really settled and I honestly don't think they are any worse off from living in a single parent household. But the people around me don't seem to believe that and don't see us as "complete" as I don't have a man. AIBU to think that actually, my kids are better off with it being just us, than introducing some random bloke and potentially his own kids, in to our life?

In your situation I agree.

In my experience introducing a partner to live in the home tends to work best when the parents co-parent well, when the DC are under 8 and there is no SEN.

You're absolutely right. Blending is usually a shitshow for the children.

YANBU. I haven’t read the thread and won’t bother to. I think most kids would prefer not to have to live with their Mum’s boyfriend - some random bloke to them essentially.

Honestly I read threads on here about “blended families” and women talking about when their new bloke should be allowed to “discipline” their children and how things need to change and all needs to be fair between “all the children in the family” - meaning the new random kids that your children share no blood with who you have decided they must now live and share their space and resources with. As a child I’d have HATED it, absolutely hated it. I think most children would but they have to adapt and pretend because they see it’s what their Mum wants and they love their mum and want her to be happy.

My children are in their late teens now and I have stayed single. I have no regrets at all. We are a happy and loving family. Don’t think I will bother at all now, seems like very slim pickings out there and the dating scene seems to have changed so much.

I made such poor choices when it came to men (including my twins' father), so I have absolutely no intention of ever dating again (I'm 46 and been single 7 years, since my DC were 6 months old).

YANBU I’ve never introduced a man and have been a single parent for 9 years. I do have a boyfriend (2 years +) but I only see him when they go to their dads once a week. I have no plans to introduce him and he has no plans to introduce me to his children, and that’s just how we do things.
I feel very uneasy about the thought of disrupting their lives - they will always be my priority.

Exactly this. I'm the same. I see my DP mostly away from the kids. It's just something for me and if it ends, absolutely nothing will change for them.

I'm with you OP.

We left ds' df when ds was 3, and I've been single ever since. DS is 17 and a happy, confident teen.

I had a boyfriend for a while and ds was subdued when he was around. I thought it might get better but it didn't and so I finished it.

I've never doubted it was the best decision.

I stayed single until my children were 18. Something which men can't seem to do.

The single person most likely to abuse a child is the step dad/mother's boyfriend.

And even without that... my mum was a single mother and she had two long term boyfriends when we were kids, one of whom we lived with, and they were both perfectly alright but... we just never felt 100% at home with them, like we did with our own parents. It's just not the same. They're not your real mum or dad, you don't love them and they don't really love you (even if they like you). You spend years learning to live with your parents and then suddenly you've got to adapt to different rules and habits... I know people make it work, but it's just less than ideal and I don't blame you one bit for not wanting that for your kids.

Can I commend the OP for her self awareness and prioritising her children.

I did also see a - childless woman saying that she would not have a relationship because she didnt think it fair to inflict her mental health issues on a partner.

Also worth pointing out that women can be pretty awful partners.

After she wrecked her divorce settlement my ex wife went on to assault her subsequent partner in public and have at least two brief - very brief in one case - not even a month cohabitations and precisely nil insight as to why so it isnt just a male thing.

Your kids are lucky to have you as their mother, putting them first the way you are. Keep it going x

Your kids are better off with a happy mum. If being just you and the kids makes you happy then that’s better for them. Or, you might meet a brilliant guy who ticks all of your (and your kids’) boxes and have a great life with him as part of your family. Your own experience of a blended family isn’t the only way it can happen so I wouldn’t necessarily rule it out on that basis. But it’s about what works for you, not what other people think you should be doing.

I’m really happily single and a lone parent. My ex husband put us through enough and I would not bring somebody else into my home. I am very clear to everybody when I’m asked why I’m still single and asked why I’m not dating. I simply don’t want to. I really hate the pressure women are put under because people think they need a man. It’s ridiculous.

But there's a huge difference between dating someone and moving them I to your home. That seems to be what done people are getting muddled up. IF you choose it's perfectly ok to have a boyfriend/ partner,( mothers after all are humans with needs as well.) It's doesn't however mean they have to have anything to do with your kids and certainly doesn't mean they need to be a " stepfather,". model

My parents co-parented well, my sister and I were under 8 and don't have special needs.

We are both still mentally scarred 🙈 I'm glad it has worked for you, though. X

Yanbu. I'm still married to my dd's dad, but I always felt that, had we split up, I wouldn't have ever wanted her to grow up in a blended family. I'm sure there are examples of it working, but more often than not, I think they're very difficult arrangements for the kids.

If you're not bothered, then stick to your guns. It doesn't matter what other people think.

Err look what happened last time you did that🤣🤣🤣

Thank you for all the comments and I can't believe that 98% of people agree with me with over 300 votes. I can guarantee that a lot of those people would of also grown up in a blended family mess. 😪 I'm 34 and honestly I wish I could be a mum to little me. Do you know what is so sad is that if you'd of asked me as a kid, I would of plastered a smile on and told my mum and dad that of course I'm happy and love my (awful) new step parents and (awful) new step siblings! Because I love my parents and wanted them to be happy. I do truly wonder the people who claim to have made a blended family work, what their children would say as adults when asked alone.

im still told in my 50’s not to worry I will met someone. Im not worried 🙄

I knew as soon as I found out I was pregnant I would be a single mum and made the decision to stay single while my ds was living at home.

I have had a two relationships, I wouldn’t even call them that neither met ds and there was never any thought of them meeting him

now I have no interest in men it will just be me and the cats soon and that’s just fine

I'm remarried and it was the best thing I did for both myself and my kids. Having said that, my now husband didn't have any bio children of his own when we met so things were easier I imagine than blending a family with children on both sides. He is the only man they met after their dad and I divorced as I was adamant I had to be as sure as I could be before introducing them.
He is the polar opposite of my ex-husband in pretty much every way, and it is wonderful that the kids now see what a normal, respectful marriage looks like. Husband and I now also share a little girl together (his first and last).

My lovely son! Best thing to ever happen to me along with my fab girl, thanks for the reminder 😘

I am the same. My DD is 17, and I have been a single parent to her since she was four years old. I have had two relationships in that time, but only ever seen the men when my daughter has been at her father‘s. She has met one of the guys I was seeing briefly on a couple of occasions, but that is all. I think people are far too quick to blend families, and our home life has been so happy just the two of us. I wouldn’t change anything for the world.

What a total fanny

Oh, I definately don't want a guy moving in here. >shudder<

Wouldn't do that to my son. (or me!).

Yes, I'm with you. When my marriage broke up we had all been through such an awful time, that i resolved to create a peaceful, comfortable home for my children: that none of us ever had to return to sharing a home where we were anxious all the time.
Someone mentioned resources and this was important for me too. I bought my house for my children: no way am I going to share its value with a man above them. I want all my resources focused on them.
I'm so happy in my own life now I honestly could not be bothered with a man.
My house is attached to another lone parent's, who has clearly moved the boyfriend in. I wanted to do something very small but beneficial, that she could do too and asked her what did she think - often to be told she'd have to discuss it with boyfriend. She owns the house. They row and I feel sorry for the kids tbh.