To think my kids are better off me staying as a single mum and not wanting them to have a stepdad

[Clydebankie1]

I'm a single mum of two, my daughter is 11 and my son is 6. My son is also autistic with delayed development. Neither have met their fathers, DD's buggered off abroad with another woman when I was 7mnths pregnant and DS was conceived through a one night stand (the only person I've been with in this time). I am constantly being asked by well meaning friends/family members when I will start dating, etc and get a lot of sympathetic head tilts when I reply that I'm really not bothered. I grew up in a blended family shitshow and do not want this for my babies. I was such an unhappy kid and it might sound dramatic, but I feel quite traumatised by it. Both of my two are really settled and I honestly don't think they are any worse off from living in a single parent household. But the people around me don't seem to believe that and don't see us as "complete" as I don't have a man. AIBU to think that actually, my kids are better off with it being just us, than introducing some random bloke and potentially his own kids, in to our life?

That’s a horrible view. You don’t just have more kids and forget the first ones. Does that apply to all women who have more than one kid or just the ones who go on to have them with another man? Another way of women trying to shame women.

I have two dc, one with my ex and one with my dh. I viewed it as giving my son a sibling who he can grow up with and hopefully have a good relationship into adulthood and when I’m gone. Not so I can ‘write him off’ and start a shiny new family without him in it.

This thread makes for grim reading in places.

No I don’t feel that way about children in one relationship because it’s not the same. I probably don’t feel as strongly about it if people have only one child and go on to have one more because I do understand most people want 2 children and it’s likely a different dynamic when there isn’t a set of full siblings, it’s the ones who have completed their family and then go on to have a whole other family that particularly puzzles me. But even so, I don’t know why people need to collect children across relationships like medals, a parents’ relationship breaking down is already traumatic enough for children, it’s not uncommon for there to be a feeling of replacement. It causes detriment to the older children financially, in terms of time, creates a more complicated family dynamic. You can say it’s a horrible view all you want, but I think it’s much more horrible to put kids through that.

As mothers, we don’t have to martyr ourselves also. For women who had a child as a teen for example (14-19, yes I’ve met someone who gave birth at 14!), staying single would mean not having a serious partner or more children for 20 years. It’s commendable to stay single, but not obligatory.

All single parents are in the same position here, we don’t need to validate our life choices by telling ourselves that the other side is sooo much worse.

I’ve been on both sides. Having a new husband coming in when I was 9, parents were divorced but M was horrid to my dad, and they’ve now had a bunch of kids together? Bad. I’d prefer to live in a single parent home.

In my own life, my DC’s stepfather met her as a very young child, and is now just dad. There are two siblings, who are also relatively close in age to DC1. Both she and I think it’s been a positive.

I’m the same. It has been ten years. And I wouldn’t risk it. It might work for some people but I have heard too many stories of stepfathers and abuse. Abusers are notoriously charming and lovely. I might well be sucked in and my history of choosing romantic partners hasn’t been exactly stellar.

We all base our opinions on our own experiences. I just can’t think of a single blended family to look at where I think oh yes they’ve done that well. Mothers don’t need to be martyrs, but equally children don’t need to be treated as disposable when a first relationship has broken down. A relationship can be perfectly valid and happy without having to add additional children, I just can’t think of world where I just wouldn’t want to focus on my own. You only need to spend 5 mins on the step parent forum to see how common that is and they don’t even realise they’re doing it most of the time.

I agree with this. And there is a very strong undertone on this thread of those who stay single out of choice being far more morally superior beings and much better parents. Lots of back slapping here and congratulating your own life choices by talking about how awful the other side is. It’s not necessary.

FWIW I believe my stepdad helped my mum to be a better parent. He supported her and offered me lots of opportunities I wouldn’t have had otherwise. He had no other children so I suspect that made it a lot easier. Same applies with my dh. My son has known him over half his life and if we ever split I know it would be very upsetting for him.

Of course there are women who get it wrong and prioritise a new (often unsuitable) relationship at the expense of their kids happiness. This is clearly not good parenting. But there are many cases where it does work and I’m sick of the blatant insinuation that you are a lesser parent if you do move on.

@adropofgoldensun Absolutely this. My sons' stepdad (second husband) shows my sons what a good man looks like, that men should treat women as equals, that it's never acceptable to be racist, that it's OK for men to cry...the list goes on.

I have remarried, so we are a blended family now, but I honestly feel in many moments that my daughter and I would’ve been happier if it had just been us. My DH would be devastated to hear this but there have been so many moments where fights with step siblings or difficulties between DD and DH just made me question the whole thing.
I say, if you’re happy right now, you can provide so much stability and calm for your two kids

I agree but also - I have been with my partner for over 10 years. We still do not live together for several reasons but number 1 is because I don't think it's fair for my children to live with a man who isn't their father.

Essentially - it doesn't mean you can't have a relationship, it's not all or nothing - but I absolutely agree with not moving a man in!

How nice to hear a single young female putting her children first. I was in your position once and my children's emotions were always my first priority. They have not only survived, they have thrived and are on the way to being successful young adults. Home needs to be their safe space-it always makes my blood boil to read of (usually a famous couple) who had split yet again and insist "their children are their priority" utter shite - or they wouldn't keep hopping from one partner to the next.

Also, what would the response be if genders were reversed here? A single dad saying that they don't want to get involved with a single mum? A man without children considering dating a single mum? My now husband had no bio children of his own when we met; I'm glad he didnt take this view.

My kids are both autistic so there is an element of caring which I have to do, which the typical parent doesn’t have to do. They will not be able to communicate in the same way as a typical child. I don’t mean to come across as superior. I certainly don’t think I am. There are lots of disadvantages to being a single parent too and there is no safety net in my house of practical adult support. If I have the flu and they need picked up, I’ve had to go and pick them up. Sometimes the stress is awful. However I would worry about meeting new potential partners and being a target for love bombing. I cannot just head out on dates and leave everyone at home. And I have had friends who just don’t get why I have not been entering the dating pool.

Why are you even remotely bothered by others. You know their decision making is off. You know they probably are focusing on you to detract from that don't you.

I have single friends - why would I want them to spend their whole life chasing someone who may or may not exist? As long as they are happy.

There's far too many people who settle for someone simply because they feel they should be with someone. That doesn't always work out and yeah women who stay with lying cheating would be paedos is a good example of that.

Honestly if you have the confidence to go it alone that in itself is a good thing.

It's ok to be different.

YANBU. Someone I know “step parent” has just been jailed for having sex with the teenager in the house.

should my marriage end I would remain single whilst children are still young.

Absolutely nothing wrong with any person man or woman not wanting to get involved with someone with children, I would in fact applaud a man who knows himself well enough to have the conviction to do so rather than muddling on with a life he didn’t want likely causing issues for the children along the way. I actually wish more women were like this because you only need to see the resentful step mums on MN who aren’t happy with their situation, hoping it would be different.

DH has frequently said if we split he wouldn’t have a relationship with a woman with children (he has to deal with a lot of welfare issues at work of mostly men with complicated family dynamics so it comes up more than I suppose is normal for conversation!) I agree with him, I don’t judge him for it!

@qqwwkkssvvg Not all men see children as "burdens" or "drama." As I said, my now husband had no bio chidlren when we met. He is an exceptional stepfather to my two sons - now 15 and 18.

I split from my ExH when DD was 8 and ExH immediately (within 3 days) pulled DD into a very messy blended family situation. I felt that I needed to provide a consistent stable life for DD.
However, when she was 12 and we were on holiday I realised that her needs from me were changing and that I needed to grow a life independent of her so she didn’t feel responsible for me. I started dating shortly after that holiday as I realised I wanted someone to share things with and meet now DH. But we didn’t move in together till DD was 17. Over that 5 years DH and DD had built a friendship.
Now she is an adult her Dad asks a lot of her, but offers very little. It is DH who helps her move house, builds her ikea wardrobes etc.
So my point is I agree with your point of view with your DC the age they are now, but be aware that your role in their lives will change.

It’s not about thinking children are burdens but recognising that it’s not something they want. DH wants to focus on his own children, he’s not one of these that would erase his children from his mind and start a new family. And it’s perfectly acceptable for men who want children to not want to marry someone who already has children, step siblings are a complicated dynamic, it’s a financial burden (how many people originally wanted 3-4 but have ended up being responsible for that many to have the new children with the new partner).

@qqwwkkssvvg Husband and I ended up having a daughter together. Did I "erase my sons" from my life?
Also, my sons are not my husband's financial responsibility; never have been, never will be. They are mine and my ex-husband's. If a woman expects a stepdad to pay for kids that aren't his, then more fool him to agreeing to it.

I think you dramatically altered your sons’ childhoods yes. I think you’ve reduced your time with them, and money, and added an extra layer of complication when they’re having to deal with either a) living between 2 houses or 2) emotionally deal with a less present father. I think you put yours and new husband’s desires over what is in the best interest of your children. If you want my honest answer.

@Kilot

what you on about?

Agree with you completely, you are providing a loving, stable environment. Maybe you might want to see someone in the future but still no need to introduce or move in a boyfriend.

The right man could help you, make your life easier as it’s someone to share load with …

but the right man might never come around and time spent dating is time out of your family life , a type of workload for you

really it’s no one else’s business

How is it having another child to the " detriment" of yours?

You could say that about any sibling really no matter if they are with your first and only husband or someone else

After all if you have a second child then it takes money attention etc away from the first

So you are basically saying if you have any more children then you are writing off the first one?

Yes it can definitely be said about any future child so don’t worry I do have strong feelings on 3+ children more generally as well (especially with age gaps, I say 3+ because I do think 1 sibling is advantageous in most situations) 😂 but it is an added layer of complexity with children with different parents, different parenting styles, additional family, being treated equally (this is hard enough to manage with the same parents!) dealing with the emotional fall out of divorce etc etc. When there’s been a relationship break down it’s all the more reason to focus on your pre existing children because there is so much info out there about impactful break ups are.