To rethink how we share costs?

[whyohwhyisitalwayswet]

Sorry, a bit long but don't want to drip feed!

My partner and I have a solid, happy relationship, have been together for over four years but are not married and don't live together. I'm in my early 50s, and he is in his late 50s. I have a child (early teens) at home, and he has adult children in their mid/late 20s. My only niggling issue is over how we share costs - day to day, as well as on an upcoming Christmas break.

As background we have different attitudes to money generally - I like hosting/being generous/paying for things in the expectation/hope that others will be generous too. He prefers to split costs (even small amounts). This took some getting used to initially as I would treat him to meals/things, and when it was his turn he would put things on the shared tab. I had to learn to put everything on the shared tab.

Question about splitting costs day to day: I don't drive and have less flexibility in my schedule because of my work and single parenting. Currently he drives to me (about 40 mins) every weekend, and I pay for all costs of meals/wine while we are at my place which is 2 nights/3 days usually, so much so that I even pay for takeout if we have it at my place. I've always thought that I end up paying a lot more than he does given the current arrangement, especially as we drink a couple of bottles of wine over the weekend. He covers petrol costs (and it is an electric car now, so much less) to come to me, but he is very helpful around the house (will sort out leaky taps etc), and will drop my son off at a playdate and such (usually short distances). When I have brought sharing of costs up he says I don't take into account the costs of running a car - insurance, servicing etc, so actually it evens out. But, is that something I should be taking into account (given he's always had a car and uses it for commuting to work/sport/socialising and not just to visit me)?

Question about splitting costs on holiday: If we eat out or are on holiday we split expenses fairly (I pay proportionally more if my DC is with us). This is fair I think. There are, however, occasions like this Christmas when my DC is with his dad. I want to spend two weeks by the beach, so I've booked an (expensive) rental. I was going to go anyway so didn't think to ask him to contribute. He is joining me for a week of the two weeks. I am sure that any wine/food we have that he pays for he will put all of that on the shared tab. I just got an order of wine in for home (I paid), and he suggested taking those bottles with us to the beach rental too. That got me thinking, I will pay for the rental and the wine??

Added complication is that we earned the same when we first met but he has since transitioned to a more rewarding but less remunerative career so now he earns less than half of what I do. However, he has substantial savings, and a pension pot whereas I still have a child at home, and a 1/3 of what he does in savings/pensions so do need to save.

So my questions are:

a) is how we split costs fair - day to day, and while on this Christmas holiday?

b) if not, how do I have this conversation with my partner?

Please don't tell me to LTB over this :). We have a very solid relationship, and I just want to be preemptive about this issue that does crop up. Thanks!

I think I'd be putting more money into my DC's future and strictly sharing costs with partner. In the case of the beach house rental you were going anyway, in the case of his car, he had one anyway. He's mean with money, OP, and taking advantage of you.

That's helpful perspective, apileofballyhoo, thanks! My problem is that I cringe from the crassness of having money conversations with people I love. It seems like everyone should be looking out for each other seamlessly and fairly, and the minute you start dissecting this, the niceness is out of the window, if you know what I mean, it becomes very transactional.

I agree with the first poster, I think he sounds mean and it would put me off. I understand what you are saying about it being against your generous nature to highlight the discrepancies with paying during time spent together but I think he obviously doesn't have those qualms when he insisted on splitting. He is taking advantage of your good nature.

I could have written the first part, about being a generous host v expecting things to be split, and the driving to you, but then yours deteriorates.

I have come to accept that I pay for what I cook when he's at mine. However, he will always pay for a takeaway, including for my DC if they are eating (tbf not very often) and he'll bring the wine and often dessert.

When away, we do split everything, generally by putting it all on one card and settling up when we get home. I take things like teabags with us and I always seem to be the one who's got suncream etc but I'd take exception to him suggesting we take my wine, to the point where I'd feel very able to say, if you want wine to take, buy some!.

Also re the accomodation cost, when you discussed him joining you, I'd have said it cost £× , send me £y please. Just matter of fact. That's what it costs to come.

I understand that you wee going anyway so if you've chosen not to pass that cost to him, I'd absolutely expect him to acknowledge that by bringing the wine paying for dinner or activities while away.

You just need to tell him what you expect and discuss what is/isnt reasonable and why. I don't understand not being able to say things, bluntly when needed, to someone you're sleeping with!

You’ve a stingy tightwad who knows he’s on to a good thing.
For reference my situation is quite like your own and my partner refuses to allow me pay for a dinner, I buy lunches he always covers dinner.
He drives to me every other weekend, 2 plus hour journey and brings wine, treats, food etc. He also does DIY and leaves my kids off as needed.
He’s not a generous man. You need to have a serious conversation as he’s not being fair at all and you are taking the financial hit for your relationship.

That's interesting -we seem to be in a similar situation but as you say yours is much fairer and more gracious by the sounds of it! Did you discuss him bringing wine/dessert or did he just do that seamlessly?

I don't (like to) think he actively takes advantage of me - I don't like to discuss finances and he just lets it slide. But it is silly on my part because I have gotten resentful and stewed in the past. Last year with this beach rental - by the time he arrived, I'd already spent quite a lot stocking up on wine/cheese/groceries which we used, and I was paying the rental too. The day after he arrived, he went out to get pastries for breakfast, and promptly put it on the shared tab. It was just a few pound but I got very cross at that!

How do I bring this up?

Before we lived together, we opened an online joint account which we named 'Lovely things' and we'd both pay into when required, then all of our weekends, holidays etc. came out of that. It worked really well. We only paid in nominal amounts so it didn't build up. We just used it as a kitty. It's really quick and simple to do with online banks.

We now live together and that account has become our main joint account for boring things like bills, so we set up a separate joint savings space just for holidays and treats which we call 'Lovely things' just to keep the magic alive...

I just got an order of wine in for home (I paid), and he suggested taking those bottles with us to the beach rental too.
You got them for yourself, not you and him.

Running a car isn't cheap, and you benefit from him having a car. He does odd jobs at yours that you'd otherwise pay for it.

I'd already spent quite a lot stocking up on wine/cheese/groceries which we used, and I was paying the rental too.]
Ask him, for his half of the money upfront.

Actually, I did have to point out that "entertaining" him was costing me money and that was when he started offering to buy a takeaway rather than me cooking all the time, and bringing wine. Dessert is becuase I don't usually have one, so if he wants it he needs to bring it! I realised the "generous host" in me was buying and cooking desserts I didn't even want.

Similarly, I don't think he deliberately sets out to take advantage and he's always rectified things, and been appologetic when it's pointed out, but that is the effect if left unchecked.

We have something similar - a 'shared tab' - on our respective online bank accounts (same bank). This works well for when we are on holiday or eating out as we share costs (proportionally). It gets more complicated when its at home, as I have, a child at home. I guess we could at least put wine on the shared tab?

Did you tell him you were cross about the pastries? I have done. He'd spent the weekend at mine, well fed, endless cups of tea etc and there was a "discussion" about who was paying for coffee and a sandwich in Gregg's 🤣

Thanks for that. This is kind of why I have been hesitating. Not so much the car because he uses it a lot, and not just to come to me. But the odd jobs, yes, it would cost me a lot to have someone do those things for me.

And, on the groceries - that is exactly what he would say, just put it on the tab. So, yes there might be some mixed wires here too. I keep expecting a 'gift exchange' and he is more transactional.

Assuming child is just having a senisble portion of whatever you're having anyway, I'd expect that to be split too. It won't amount to much and you're not charging him for hot water, tea bags, loo roo etc etc (I'm not saying you should but that he could acknowledge the cost of having him stay there).

Yes, that's kind of what it is like! Endless hospitality at mine, including bottles of wine, and then splitting the costs of a cinnamon bun. Seems very off to me!

I stewed first and then erupted about the pastries and he didn't know what I was going on about coz he just puts things on the tab 😂So yes, a bit of crossed wires too.

The gift exchange/tab thing rings true for me.

I'm used to being treated sometimes and to treating others (friends family etc), he's used to splitting things. In my "treating" world, everyone knows who's turn it is, so it's the same thing really, it just jarres a bit when you come up across the more transactional way.

Oh, and then there was the day he came out of a hour long relaxing bath smelling of my (expensive) Neal's yard lavender bath salts , so costs go beyond loo roll 😂! I did tell him my bath salts/lotions/potions were not for sharing, and got him Radox salts instead!

That's what my DP is like too - it isn't intentional, and he always rectifies when we discuss. So I do need to discuss it. I'm getting some very helpful feedback here, thanks!

As you have the joint account, I'd definitely start putting the wine on that. It sounds like he'd think that was reasonable and appropriate anyway?

This would drive me nuts OP. Pastries on the joint tab after you paid for everything else, wanting his bloody car insurance taken into account in splitting costs for a weekend of meals? I’d have serious ick.

How to bring it up? I’d just meet him where he is. After every weekend, send him an itemized spreadsheet of what you spent and what he owes you - or what you will take out of the joint tab account. If he wants to add petrol money (perhaps fair enough), deduct half of that from the total. If he wants to add 1/200th of his car tax - tell him you’ll do the same with your electricity/ water etc. The utter ridiculousness of this should then prompt a “ok, how do we sensibly and fairly go about this” conversation

I would take the accommodation cost out of the shared account tbh. Including the wine.

If it brings him up short - "Why have you paid yourself £1500?" then you explain its now a shared holiday so the costs should be shared.

Likewise for food and wine when he comes to you. If you want to reduce it, so it's just a contribution rather than the whole sum then fine. But him saying a few miles in an electric car is in ANY WAY equivalent is taking the piss.

FTR I have an electric car myself.

Exactly! It is jarring. But it is also a clash of our respective worlds. When we go out with my friends - they are often treating us both (because I often treat them, and am super hospitable when they come to stay) but when we go out with his friends we all split the bill.

That's interesting - sounds like you have a good equation with your partner on this :)

Re the weekends, I don't think his fuel costs are equal to your meals/wine/takeaway costs, and as you say, he has the car for the rest of his activities anyway. And if he talks about car insurance/servicing costs, you can talk about gas/electric for cooking the food, washing up liquid/dishwasher tablets, water for washing up and his bathing requirements, soap, toilet roll....!!! Seriously though, I think he should be going halves on the weekend food and he should be treating you on holiday, given that he's getting a free week away. Don't take your wine! And no need to beat around the bush. "I need to talk to you about money. I don't think the way we're currently splitting costs is fair and this is what I think would be fairer going forward."

I did erupt for precisely that reason (gave me the ick), but because I was just spluttering in disbelief we didn't have the rational conversation we should have had. The responses on this thread are helping me think through the conversation we should be having on this. Thanks!

@whyohwhyisitalwayswet , I'm someone with arms that don't easily reach my pockets, and I prefer people to mention that it's my turn to pay.

When I went away with an XP, and I took a set amount in cash and he took a credit card, he only spent at the booze hypermarket, then we spent the cash. It was fine. He then said I was right and he'd been hammered on the exchange rate.

When I dated someone who never paid, I resented paying for everything, and finally snapped when he dived into a burger bar on the way to an unbooked restaurant, got himself a burger, wolfed it, then said he wasn't hungry any more.
Not only was he a cheapskate, he was selfish.

Don't let resentment build up, speak.