To rethink how we share costs?

[whyohwhyisitalwayswet]

Sorry, a bit long but don't want to drip feed!

My partner and I have a solid, happy relationship, have been together for over four years but are not married and don't live together. I'm in my early 50s, and he is in his late 50s. I have a child (early teens) at home, and he has adult children in their mid/late 20s. My only niggling issue is over how we share costs - day to day, as well as on an upcoming Christmas break.

As background we have different attitudes to money generally - I like hosting/being generous/paying for things in the expectation/hope that others will be generous too. He prefers to split costs (even small amounts). This took some getting used to initially as I would treat him to meals/things, and when it was his turn he would put things on the shared tab. I had to learn to put everything on the shared tab.

Question about splitting costs day to day: I don't drive and have less flexibility in my schedule because of my work and single parenting. Currently he drives to me (about 40 mins) every weekend, and I pay for all costs of meals/wine while we are at my place which is 2 nights/3 days usually, so much so that I even pay for takeout if we have it at my place. I've always thought that I end up paying a lot more than he does given the current arrangement, especially as we drink a couple of bottles of wine over the weekend. He covers petrol costs (and it is an electric car now, so much less) to come to me, but he is very helpful around the house (will sort out leaky taps etc), and will drop my son off at a playdate and such (usually short distances). When I have brought sharing of costs up he says I don't take into account the costs of running a car - insurance, servicing etc, so actually it evens out. But, is that something I should be taking into account (given he's always had a car and uses it for commuting to work/sport/socialising and not just to visit me)?

Question about splitting costs on holiday: If we eat out or are on holiday we split expenses fairly (I pay proportionally more if my DC is with us). This is fair I think. There are, however, occasions like this Christmas when my DC is with his dad. I want to spend two weeks by the beach, so I've booked an (expensive) rental. I was going to go anyway so didn't think to ask him to contribute. He is joining me for a week of the two weeks. I am sure that any wine/food we have that he pays for he will put all of that on the shared tab. I just got an order of wine in for home (I paid), and he suggested taking those bottles with us to the beach rental too. That got me thinking, I will pay for the rental and the wine??

Added complication is that we earned the same when we first met but he has since transitioned to a more rewarding but less remunerative career so now he earns less than half of what I do. However, he has substantial savings, and a pension pot whereas I still have a child at home, and a 1/3 of what he does in savings/pensions so do need to save.

So my questions are:

a) is how we split costs fair - day to day, and while on this Christmas holiday?

b) if not, how do I have this conversation with my partner?

Please don't tell me to LTB over this :). We have a very solid relationship, and I just want to be preemptive about this issue that does crop up. Thanks!

I did think about that but my real life friends advised against it - as it would be hurtful that I could talk to strangers on the internet rather than him about it. I have played a part in this - by not discussing this issue and putting boundaries in place, so I'll first try that. He has been very receptive in the past to conversations, and made changes, so I'm hoping this will be enough to bring in some changes.

If it makes you feel any better @whyohwhyisitalwayswet , if he’s a good person he will respond positively.. and if he’s doesn’t, then you’re getting a heads up that he’s motivated by what you spend on him…

You may have answered this, but when he stayed with you, does he contribute to water/gas/electric he’s using? If not that’s what he can have in return for his vehicle costs! Bloody transactional cheapskate.

So you’re going to change yourself for this man who is lacking in generosity of spirit? You are going to go against your kind, giving instincts and become more stingy to make it work with this very limited person?
I think deep down you know that this is not the man for you. You’re scared to raise these issues as deep down you know that this meanness is what he enjoys- he’s one of those people who values frugality over everything.
Please don’t reduce yourself to fit his mean little mould.

You pay for everything when he's there at the weekend and he charges you for some pastries?

You buy him expensive boots and he gives your son a game from the charity shop. And for his birthday makes him a card? And on your birthday you get "a nice walk"? WTAF?

This guy is a stingy tight fisted git and taking you for a ride where money is concerned. Why are you putting up with it?

Good luck for the conversation OP. I am very interested in your update.

And this may feel blunt because I realise that you see a successful relationship with this one minor issue but I see a relationship that most likely would have been over years ago if you had always expected him to pay his fair share. The fact that he would not go on holiday with you if he has to contribute and the way he makes sure any penny he spends goes on the tab whereas never suggests that money you spend goes on the tab shows that how tight he is. And the car thing is just laughable. He gets to come and stay in a lovely home rather than a house share with a lodger every weekend for free. That itself is a huge benefit. And you pay half his costs of getting there. Tight people tend to disappear when they are asked to contribute fairly. Of course, they are no loss because they are mean and have no morals.

I have a few thrifty habits but there is a difference between consuming less and sponging off somebody else. I would find infidelity easier to forgive than somebody leaching off me financially. He sounds despicable and always with an eye to paying the minimum and you paying the rest. He comes to your house and you pay because his drives his thrifty electric car to see you and apart from you providing all food and drink he avoids the need to spend time with his flatmate - you know in his shared house. He knows he is doing this - and is probably congratulating himself on how little he pays. He transitioned to a less stressful job and less well paid job but has substantial savings, and a pension pot while you still have a child at home, and a 1/3 of what he does in savings/pensions.

Given your respective financial positions any decent man would have shared the cost of the holiday accommodation rather than suggesting you provide the wine.

I know you think you have a solid relationship and you do in the sense that you pay and he takes advantage of you. This has been going on for four years so it is not some matter of pre-empting a future problem - your problem is here right now. He might earn less than you but that was a choice and he is much more financially secure than you are - he owns rental property and he has more money in saving and in his pension pot. Incidentally there are men who are both nice, supportive and not money gouging scrooges - I know, I married one.

Mean men are really unattractive. A decent man would not be trying to get every penny he can out of you. He knows what he’s doing

Honestly - he is mean with money. He can’t ask you to factor in his insurance and car running costs. He would have those even if he wasn’t with/dating you.

My father, husband and brother are all over generous, (to a fault) so perhaps it’s just my own internal programming here. But seriously everything you’ve written about him gives me the ick and it comes across like he’s taking advantage of you.

Also with a partner of 4 years you shouldn’t feel awkward or transactional discussing finances. It’s his shut down and tight approach that’s causing the awkwardness and strain.

He is getting a free holiday on your dime. So therefore the least he can do is cover a bit of shopping and a few nice meals out. But honestly
OP the transactional nature of it all would have me
resent him long term.

Of course he does.
OP has been wearing her great sex goggles for 4 years, and boy has she paid for it.
Mean people are always trying to get one over.
They depend on the naivety of their victims.
They in affect play chicken with their victims, going as far as they can to use them.

Hence the pastry incident.
How little must he fundamentally care about her opinion of him, or how little respect must he have of her and himself to do such a thing?

And all the time OP defends him as if he is such a great prize🙄.
Charity shop gifts for her child.
Sweaty watches for herself?

It's nearly unbelievable.

I wasn’t being goady OP, it was a genuine question. I’m a similar age to you and I jumped into a rebound relationship too quickly after my marriage ended and I ignored red flags.
Its now several years after the event I can see clearly how wrong he was for me and I do shudder at the nonsense I put up with.

You did jump very quickly into this relationship without taking any time to work through the fallout and you don’t realise how vulnerable you were at this time. I certainly didn’t think I was vulnerable but now I do see that had I been in a better headspace I wouldn’t have touched him with a bargepole but we live and learn.

@TwistedWonder You sound like my mum did initially 😅she kept issuing dire warnings and muttering under her breath that I was jumping too soon into another relationship. But, seriously, I was in therapy at the time and I was quite guarded and aware of the risks. I know everyone here thinks I am in denial but apart from the money issue (which is huge, I agree), he is really a good guy. He is lovely to my mum too - who despite being very opposed in principle, met him and is now his biggest fan.

I did speak to my close real life friends who know him well, and they think we just have very very different approaches to money, and he is thrifty by default (even with himself) and some of the examples are terrible (no doubt) but there is no malice. He's shown me and my child a lot of kindness and been generous with his time/effort/labor. And, he might also have assumed, since I earn more, and am generous with everyone, that it is just par for course. I will have this conversation with him tomorrow, and see how that goes. That will be revealing, I think.

I'm glad you managed to move on - even through a terrible rebound - to better things!

Yeah, not great examples, I know 😫Will report back after conversation. If he gets defensive, I will show him this thread, and he will spontaneously combust 😂You gals don't pull any punches!

I agree. A lot of this is also my programming on money (childhood etc) - hence the hesitation to bring it up. It shouldn't be an issue to discuss it, and I will do it.

I did speak to my close real life friends who know him well, and they think we just have very very different approaches to money, and he is thrifty by default (even with himself) and some of the examples are terrible (no doubt) but there is no malice.
This is what I'm seeing.

I see one person too careful with money, and the other not careful enough.

Makes sense, but I do want to give him the benefit of the doubt before the conversation atleast. Sounds like you found the holy grail of men :).

p.s. your username - I'm a huge pug fan. Used to be a pug parent but she sadly died a few years ago, and haven't been able to manage another one with single parenting and travel. Miss her every day!

You might be right - but I don't spend what I can't afford, and, I save a fair bit too. I don't spend much on material things for myself (no fancy clothes/bags/makeup/manicures etc), but I do spend on experiences, esp with my DC, as it is memory-making, and I never skimp on reciprocity or generosity.

Do not show him the thread.

First because this is your support thread.

Second because "I've shared all this private information about you with total strangers and just look what they say about you" will put you solidly in the wrong. Either it will end the relationship or you will have to try so hard to make up to him that all your very genuine issues will be lost. Stick to the issues.

That is very good advice, thanks! It would also be very hurtful to him (MN ladies don't hold back!), and that might make him act out illogically. Yes, this is great support for me. I've had to temper the feedback by consulting my friends who know him well, but it means a lot to know that there are helpful compassionate folks online who can be so supportive and offer perspective.

@whyohwhyisitalwayswet , I'm in the too careful category, and a too generous partner can be suffocating. I don't want something expensive I've not chosen - the fun is in choosing and deciding to buy it. I don't want looking at anything to be interpreted as a hint.

The transactional partner is awful. I'll never forget the one who requested something specific for a present and gave me a pile of things to the same value.
The pile included a card, petrol station chrysthants, and random things picked up in JL. Bet he was well chuffed with it rounding up nicely.
He got a hobby-related gadget of his choice, I got unwanted stuff I had no use for.

Yikes!!!

I think you might be the first example, and your DP is not as bad as the second one.

The iWatch was pretty bad. It doesn't track your location, does it?

OP, please trust your instincts that this is a valid conversation to have, even if he doesn't react as expected. You have given him the benefit of the doubt throughout and think he'll hear you out but he could react in ways you don't expect (e.g. become very indignant, angry or even slam doors etc). Or he could readily admit things have been unbalanced and promise to change, and you will breathe a sigh of relief and not really have the conversation. You might even feel guilty or ungrateful if he points out again what he does that supposedly matches all your financial contributions. Or if he becomes a bit teary at being so misunderstood (too far?). The thing is, after hundreds on here have backed you up, you may not be able to tolerate anymore what seemed normal until now. I guess I'm saying you need to be clear on what you need out of the conversation and not get guilted into the status quo.

I think theres reason to think that. But if you eat a takeaway and share 2 bottles of wine a weekend you know thats about £45 of indulgence you never take your turn of.

And when your partner says im struggling with this always being my financial burden to say "Well I do drive here so consider my travel costs (which are likely between 40p and £4 a trip) and think about what it costs me to run that car in terms of insurance and servicing, that I had o pay anyway and use for other things that are mainly for me alone" thats not careful thats selfish and greedy. OP wouldnt ask him to consider paying 1/3 of her utilities while hes visiting.

Tbh id solve the problem by suggesting going forward the take aways and wine go on the joint tab the way a meal out would.