To rethink how we share costs?

[whyohwhyisitalwayswet]

Sorry, a bit long but don't want to drip feed!

My partner and I have a solid, happy relationship, have been together for over four years but are not married and don't live together. I'm in my early 50s, and he is in his late 50s. I have a child (early teens) at home, and he has adult children in their mid/late 20s. My only niggling issue is over how we share costs - day to day, as well as on an upcoming Christmas break.

As background we have different attitudes to money generally - I like hosting/being generous/paying for things in the expectation/hope that others will be generous too. He prefers to split costs (even small amounts). This took some getting used to initially as I would treat him to meals/things, and when it was his turn he would put things on the shared tab. I had to learn to put everything on the shared tab.

Question about splitting costs day to day: I don't drive and have less flexibility in my schedule because of my work and single parenting. Currently he drives to me (about 40 mins) every weekend, and I pay for all costs of meals/wine while we are at my place which is 2 nights/3 days usually, so much so that I even pay for takeout if we have it at my place. I've always thought that I end up paying a lot more than he does given the current arrangement, especially as we drink a couple of bottles of wine over the weekend. He covers petrol costs (and it is an electric car now, so much less) to come to me, but he is very helpful around the house (will sort out leaky taps etc), and will drop my son off at a playdate and such (usually short distances). When I have brought sharing of costs up he says I don't take into account the costs of running a car - insurance, servicing etc, so actually it evens out. But, is that something I should be taking into account (given he's always had a car and uses it for commuting to work/sport/socialising and not just to visit me)?

Question about splitting costs on holiday: If we eat out or are on holiday we split expenses fairly (I pay proportionally more if my DC is with us). This is fair I think. There are, however, occasions like this Christmas when my DC is with his dad. I want to spend two weeks by the beach, so I've booked an (expensive) rental. I was going to go anyway so didn't think to ask him to contribute. He is joining me for a week of the two weeks. I am sure that any wine/food we have that he pays for he will put all of that on the shared tab. I just got an order of wine in for home (I paid), and he suggested taking those bottles with us to the beach rental too. That got me thinking, I will pay for the rental and the wine??

Added complication is that we earned the same when we first met but he has since transitioned to a more rewarding but less remunerative career so now he earns less than half of what I do. However, he has substantial savings, and a pension pot whereas I still have a child at home, and a 1/3 of what he does in savings/pensions so do need to save.

So my questions are:

a) is how we split costs fair - day to day, and while on this Christmas holiday?

b) if not, how do I have this conversation with my partner?

Please don't tell me to LTB over this :). We have a very solid relationship, and I just want to be preemptive about this issue that does crop up. Thanks!

I would add the cost of the wine and food for the Xmas holiday onto the shared tab and see what he says. I would also add tje cost of food etc when he stays at yours. The fact he puts pastries etc in the shared tab would really piss me off!

I told him I needed one, and he sweetly chose one that is perfect, and got it for me. I appreciated that. But I made a big fuss of him on his birthday (cake, meal), got him tickets for a gig, arranged (and paid) for a full picnic/wine on the day, and we had a lovely evening. Yes, it is what I asked for, but it is hardly symmetrical in terms of effort/cost/thoughtfulness. So, yes, I think he should have done more!

Not a cheapskate, I don't think. Just very transactional about money, and I have a different approach. But, I see your point.

I see your point, but, this is (literally) the only fly in the ointment - would it really be a deal breaker? Surely with every chap, there will always be something that we need to adjust to?

You need to take his cue and put everything on the joint tab. Quite honestly he's taking advantage of your not unreasonable stance that this is really petty. You need to stop and ensure he pays his way. I suspect you will get a lot of kickback but there you are.

This is so interesting - I need to devour this book!!! Thank you.

He is not transactional about money. He is transactional with his money. He has no problem spending yours.

This isn’t really about money, it’s about someone who is comfortable taking advantage. That is a character trait not a financial style. Because he is also taking advantage of your generous nature and the fact you don’t like conflict.

I think you need to have the discussion that him travelling to you is equivalent to your increased expenses for hosting him and the time you spending hosting him - cooking/cleaning after him. So you will put on the main food & drink costs onto the shared tab. So the meal ingredients but not the minor stuff like herbs, spread, coffee etc.

Going forward then holidays 50:50, why wouldn’t you. He does an odd job around the house, you take him out for coffee/meal and explicitly say “this is a thank you for doing x”.

I think that work better in terms of reducing your resentment, him realising how much hosting is costing.

I agree. Though I would also want to have a full and frank discussion about how to approach joint financial expenditure going forward.

Also, given that he has a lot more savings and pension than you, don’t be generous at the expense of making provision for your own retirement…

He's a CF
Taking you for a ride
He should be paying towards staying at yours and paying for half the food at yours

I'm sort of resisting this conclusion, as you might be able to tell 😅

I think part of the complication was that he was made redundant (with a package) and out of work for a while. I didn't want to raise this while he was out of work. He is back at work now, so it might be time to have this conversation as others are also suggesting.

It might not be a deal breaker now but it could easily be in a few years when he retires with his good pension and lots of savings having not paid many expenses when with you over the last few years and you retire with a lot less because you have spent your disposable income on subsidising him.

I voted YABU for not only putting up with this awfully selfish man, but for then saying you have a good relationship!

He is absolutely fleecing you, OP. Come on. Where is the romance?? He sounds tight-fisted and clearly tries to get away with paying as little as possible. You can do better!!

For now though.. watch how he responds if you say to him, actually no as I've paid for the holiday rental I'd like you to cover the cost of food and wine for the week. Tell him you want to go halves on food, take out etc when he visits. Don't let him get out of it with excuses. And just watch his reaction.

Personally though.. this won't get better. He is using you. Find someone who knows how to treat you properly.

He sounds stingy. I'm sure he hasn't bought his car solely for the purpose of visiting you so no it shouldn't be factors into expenses. So many things with this post that just make him sound tight, I find stinginess so unattractive in a person, I could not be with someone like this.

Where does he charge his car? if he charges at yours then your paying his fuel bill

I see your point, but really where are these unicorn men that are perfect in every respect? We are well match in temperament (we laugh a lot, both always positive/cheerful/happy), sex life (lovely), reciprocity (always helps out around the house), with DC (he is brilliant with my child and his friends), with my friends (they all love him), respectful and proud of my work/professional success. Yes, the money issue is one we have to address, but when I have brought up (other) issues in the past - he's always been receptive and willing to make changes (which is also a huge win - effective communication is key). So, I will have this conversation over the weekend, maybe even show him this thread and see where things land!

He charges it at his place or at a public charging point nearby. No charger at mine.

It is not a great trait, but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt for now, and am hoping having a conversation on this will sort it :)

He is not sacrificing anything by coming to your house. He is only benefiting from your company, your nice home, hospitality and saving himself money.

You need to scale right back on the gift giving or birthday treats because you are over functioning and where one person is doing this it’s guaranteed the other person will under function. Either stop inviting him or start splitting the bill when out with your friends. There’s no reason why he should continue to benefit from their generosity when he is not reciprocating.

This won’t be resolved by chatting to him. It will be resolved by you having rock solid boundaries and putting everything on that shared tab , no discussion.

It’s a concern you were vulnerable when you met.

What would he say if you said to him about the holiday “Im happy to pay the full rental costs if you pay for all the incidentals. Or, alternatively, shall i put half that on the tab and everything else goes there too?”

You are starting to feel resentful (understandable). So i think you need to be explicit and give him a chance to come good

But he's never encouraged you to add things to the shared tab, has he? He's perfectly happy for you to spend extra on him, but expects you to pay 'your share' of anything he puts his hand in his pocket for. Or is he spectacularly dumb and just doesn't notice?

This is a fresh perspective! I do over function in many areas of my life, and have been told off about it by my therapist (who I went to for a while when I was getting divorced). I have also thought of scaling back on the gift giving/birthdays - but it just feels churlish as I'd like to do nice things for people I love. It also feels off-kilter compared to how I 'treat' others I love in my life. But, you think my over functioning will make the other person under function? I did come to realize that with my exH I might have enabled his awful behaviour by letting far too much slide, and over functioning to compensate for his complete lack of care!

Also, your last sentence leapt out - what did you mean by that? I was vulnerable in that I was just getting over a 20 year marriage with a toxic abusive man, and I was very much receptive to my DP's kindness, it was balm to my wounded soul at that point. I'm much stronger now. Why is it a concern in the money context?

I have only raised the money issue a few times in four years, but when I have he says I should put things on the tab. But not spontaneously, no.

If I asked him to share the costs of the rental, I'm fairly confident he'd say that he wouldn't have considered coming if that were the deal (which is fair, as he is earning less and he might not have chosen to come in that context). If I asked him to cover wine/food for the week, I don't know. I'd feel cringe asking, honestly!!! I know, I know, I am enabling this!!!