To rethink how we share costs?

[whyohwhyisitalwayswet]

Sorry, a bit long but don't want to drip feed!

My partner and I have a solid, happy relationship, have been together for over four years but are not married and don't live together. I'm in my early 50s, and he is in his late 50s. I have a child (early teens) at home, and he has adult children in their mid/late 20s. My only niggling issue is over how we share costs - day to day, as well as on an upcoming Christmas break.

As background we have different attitudes to money generally - I like hosting/being generous/paying for things in the expectation/hope that others will be generous too. He prefers to split costs (even small amounts). This took some getting used to initially as I would treat him to meals/things, and when it was his turn he would put things on the shared tab. I had to learn to put everything on the shared tab.

Question about splitting costs day to day: I don't drive and have less flexibility in my schedule because of my work and single parenting. Currently he drives to me (about 40 mins) every weekend, and I pay for all costs of meals/wine while we are at my place which is 2 nights/3 days usually, so much so that I even pay for takeout if we have it at my place. I've always thought that I end up paying a lot more than he does given the current arrangement, especially as we drink a couple of bottles of wine over the weekend. He covers petrol costs (and it is an electric car now, so much less) to come to me, but he is very helpful around the house (will sort out leaky taps etc), and will drop my son off at a playdate and such (usually short distances). When I have brought sharing of costs up he says I don't take into account the costs of running a car - insurance, servicing etc, so actually it evens out. But, is that something I should be taking into account (given he's always had a car and uses it for commuting to work/sport/socialising and not just to visit me)?

Question about splitting costs on holiday: If we eat out or are on holiday we split expenses fairly (I pay proportionally more if my DC is with us). This is fair I think. There are, however, occasions like this Christmas when my DC is with his dad. I want to spend two weeks by the beach, so I've booked an (expensive) rental. I was going to go anyway so didn't think to ask him to contribute. He is joining me for a week of the two weeks. I am sure that any wine/food we have that he pays for he will put all of that on the shared tab. I just got an order of wine in for home (I paid), and he suggested taking those bottles with us to the beach rental too. That got me thinking, I will pay for the rental and the wine??

Added complication is that we earned the same when we first met but he has since transitioned to a more rewarding but less remunerative career so now he earns less than half of what I do. However, he has substantial savings, and a pension pot whereas I still have a child at home, and a 1/3 of what he does in savings/pensions so do need to save.

So my questions are:

a) is how we split costs fair - day to day, and while on this Christmas holiday?

b) if not, how do I have this conversation with my partner?

Please don't tell me to LTB over this :). We have a very solid relationship, and I just want to be preemptive about this issue that does crop up. Thanks!

He will eat what he likes and we split the tab down the middle, so eating out/holidaying is generally when it is fairest, I think. It's my hosting and the gifting that is the problem, I think.

Oh dear OP i understand youbut you really need to work on yourself and mirror the situation/ person in question - when with generous friends mirror them and return their generosity thankfully you are able to, but with your partner you should do the same and mirror his efforts (and resist your concern and thoughtfulness over his spending on you!) - otherwise you will forever be resentful of him.
he probably doesn’t even know how resentful you are feeling because some men just don’t see it, they don’t do it intentionally they are simply wired simply that way.

it is all in your hands and i wish you all the best

This has pending cocklodger in the making written all over it........

You obviously like him Op but there is a problem here, you've noticed a disparity in your natures, now you can't stop seeing it and your wracking up all the little things into a big pile. You have a generous nature, you like to give people lovely presents, nothing wrong with that but now your pleasure in being generous is being eroded because over and over he doesn't really appreciate it. If he really appreciated your kindness he'd make more thoughtful gestures, instead you pay for a whole bloody house rental and he wants you to pay for your share of breakfast.
It doesn't help that you're both in your 50s because you're both dealt with money differently for years and years, it's going to be an uphill struggle for either of you to change so over time that big pile is going to get bigger and bigger until the day it becomes the straw that broke the camels back.
Stop thinking you need to be more generous Op, match his energy and split everything down the middle, and I do mean everything. If he complains you'll know he was taking advantage

Just to be clear op, are you saying you buy all the food and treats and also pay half the joint tab? If so, how much on average is the joint tab?

Sounds tedious and boring to me.

And that is 100% on him! And that’s what I mean about him not seeing the inequity, or choosing not to see it! And that does feel mean because your son may well notice that difference too.

My partner has been in my kids lives for four years And they actively look forward to presents from him because he is thoughtful and a bit random which leads to pretty good presents. I would be really confused if he thought at this stage that only a card was appropriate. (We don’t live together either or anything like that so the situation is fairly similar.)

Yes, I do get that my lack of discussing it, and then stewing and eventually spluttering is dysfunctional. I have to work on that! And, also get what you are saying about paying for those who earn less - it's usually though not friends so much but for instance if I am having a drink with a student of mine, I would just naturally pay for them. With friends we do the gift exchange - I pay this time, they will the next time.

You have to put on the tab 25% of the accommodation and 50% of whatever you buy while he’s there. While you were going without him anyway, you were going to enjoy peace and quiet and only yourself to think about. Him coming removes that for a week so he needs to pay. I’m 100% sure if it was reversed he was going to ‘put on tab’ so you need to start doing that too. Think of it money to put toward your DC ( and if makes you more comfortable, open an account and start saving for your kid whatever he pays half toward that normally you wouldn’t have charged for and see how that adds up - call it kid fund).

So, you think I should bring up the gifts for my DC too then? I do feel short changed on my child's behalf. My child (like me!) when he sees something fun he thinks my DP will like will say let's get that for him!

oh, that's really lovely of your DP and for your kids :)

That sounds like a great experiment - to see how much I would save!

This all sounds a bit tangled. But he isnt coming across as very generous at all. Either he pays his share fairly or its goodbye

I pay for all food/wine/takeaway when he is at my place every weekend. If we go out for a meal or to a show that goes on the joint tab.

You are absolutely right - that is what is happening here! And, I think this is the conclusion I'm coming to as well - I just need to have a conversation and suggest we split everything down the middle. And, also as another poster advised - I need to mirror him in relation to gifts/treats etc.

It isn't 'me' though and feels off but I guess it is what it is!

I can understand a bit him wanting things to be fair and upfront with the shared expenses. However, your friends treat him and be doesnt reciprocate - how does he address this? Id have to say something explicit about this because that is mean-spirited.

Ultimately, it is quite sensible to keep separate finances when you have your own families and homes. This is not a problem. However, i would stop subsidising him. If you want him round at the weekend, thats fine. But if you want a weekend to yourself or to make other plans, then do it. If he wants to see you and have a relationship, he needs to organise something. You shouldnt have to buy his affections.

I think your generosity and good manners are being used against you here - and i think that is very bad behaviour on his part.

I need to mirror - you are absolutely right!

Stop paying for it. Dont buy any alcohol, offer toast and cereal on the morning and tell him he needs to pay for a takeaway later in the day. Just stop doing it.

He's tight

Dump him

There's nothing worse than a scrooge

So after you paid for accommodation , food, wine for the week he put a few pastries on the joint tab ? There have been numerous tight bastards threads recently but this one takes the biscuit. How can you find him remotely attractive. He is taking you for a complete mug. Hes relying on your generosity and feeling awkward about money discussions knowing there is a very good chance you won't bring it up or change your behavior. Like who spends 2/3 nights at someones house and doesn't bring wine or food or both.. doesn't even buy a take away and the costs for an electric car to yours would be mininal. If you do decide to stay with this cretin ( the bar must be rock bottom) then I would put absolutely EVERYTHING on the shared tab.. including all the food when he stays at yours. See how quickly he brings it up and questions it, I bet instantly.

This is all very interesting to me, as I'm in a similar situation.

As I said upthread, it can feel tight because he splits everything, whereas I'd say don't worry about the coffee in the expectation that he'd get the next one.

We're just back from holiday. Our arrangement was that I'd pay for everything and we'd split it when we get back. (Suits me, I like having control and I get the points on my card!).

We've been back a couple of days and I haven't worked out what he owes. He's just text to remind me, and also remind me that one of the supermarket shops included a (€5) pair of goggles for him, so I need to add that back, I.e. I'm not to pay for half his goggles.

So, for us, whilst it doesn't feel completely right to me to account for evey penny, it does work both ways. I'm not sure that's the case for you OP?

It’s not oversight.

It is inconceivable that he hasn’t noticed only his own expenses go on the tab. If it was oversight he would have said I’ll sort the tab out because you didn’t put the food /wine on it.

Funny thing is that it is exactly like this - and very fair - on holidays or when we eat out. He will also do the excel sheet and make sure I don't pay for anything he bought for himself like your DP, but it is the day to day arrangement that is unfair. And, this Christmas break, which is different because I was going anyway etc.

That servicing/insurance comment. 🤣

Or do a shop together Saturday morning with lots of nice weekend treats etc and stick it on the joint tab. If he mentions electric for the car (which is peanuts) you mention hot water for his shower and so on.
Try this for a month.
i couldn’t be in a relationship like this.
The charity shop present for your DS sums him up.