To rethink how we share costs?

[whyohwhyisitalwayswet]

Sorry, a bit long but don't want to drip feed!

My partner and I have a solid, happy relationship, have been together for over four years but are not married and don't live together. I'm in my early 50s, and he is in his late 50s. I have a child (early teens) at home, and he has adult children in their mid/late 20s. My only niggling issue is over how we share costs - day to day, as well as on an upcoming Christmas break.

As background we have different attitudes to money generally - I like hosting/being generous/paying for things in the expectation/hope that others will be generous too. He prefers to split costs (even small amounts). This took some getting used to initially as I would treat him to meals/things, and when it was his turn he would put things on the shared tab. I had to learn to put everything on the shared tab.

Question about splitting costs day to day: I don't drive and have less flexibility in my schedule because of my work and single parenting. Currently he drives to me (about 40 mins) every weekend, and I pay for all costs of meals/wine while we are at my place which is 2 nights/3 days usually, so much so that I even pay for takeout if we have it at my place. I've always thought that I end up paying a lot more than he does given the current arrangement, especially as we drink a couple of bottles of wine over the weekend. He covers petrol costs (and it is an electric car now, so much less) to come to me, but he is very helpful around the house (will sort out leaky taps etc), and will drop my son off at a playdate and such (usually short distances). When I have brought sharing of costs up he says I don't take into account the costs of running a car - insurance, servicing etc, so actually it evens out. But, is that something I should be taking into account (given he's always had a car and uses it for commuting to work/sport/socialising and not just to visit me)?

Question about splitting costs on holiday: If we eat out or are on holiday we split expenses fairly (I pay proportionally more if my DC is with us). This is fair I think. There are, however, occasions like this Christmas when my DC is with his dad. I want to spend two weeks by the beach, so I've booked an (expensive) rental. I was going to go anyway so didn't think to ask him to contribute. He is joining me for a week of the two weeks. I am sure that any wine/food we have that he pays for he will put all of that on the shared tab. I just got an order of wine in for home (I paid), and he suggested taking those bottles with us to the beach rental too. That got me thinking, I will pay for the rental and the wine??

Added complication is that we earned the same when we first met but he has since transitioned to a more rewarding but less remunerative career so now he earns less than half of what I do. However, he has substantial savings, and a pension pot whereas I still have a child at home, and a 1/3 of what he does in savings/pensions so do need to save.

So my questions are:

a) is how we split costs fair - day to day, and while on this Christmas holiday?

b) if not, how do I have this conversation with my partner?

Please don't tell me to LTB over this :). We have a very solid relationship, and I just want to be preemptive about this issue that does crop up. Thanks!

Feck he's tight!

Different attitudes are one thing, he's far from that.

I read your OP and I was actually recoiling at how stingy he is! However, Having read your further updates, I just think you need to use the shared tab more. He does it for everything, you should too - if the relationship is otherwise good this seems like a good way to stem the resentment. It would take the shine off things for me that i couldn't treat someone from time to time with the reasonable expectation that they would do the same in return though.

That makes sense. I do too but we aren't married or living together and I have a child to provide for so think splitting now in proportion to our incomes would disadvantage me and my child as the first poster was alluding to.

The car expenses for him would largely be there anyway. If he wants to see you then he has to drive to be with you. Does he want petrol money?! That would be like you paying him to visit. I presume you travel to him sometimes (by public transport?)
If you're hosting and the sundry expenses that go with that then he needs to chip in or treat you to something as a thank you. Doing some DIY and lifts is just helping out and being kind. Not everything can equate to a monetary value.
The fact that you earn more than him shouldn't come into it unless there's a huge discrepancy e.g you're a millionaire and he's on NMW. I do hate this "you were going to spend on that anyway" thinking so if he's now in on the holiday rental then he has to pay something towards it. Otherwise he's taking advantage.

I agree with this. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s a deliberate cheapskate, it’s not thoughtlessness or not being aware, he knows his tightness isn’t challenged so he keeps on because he knows he’s getting away with it with no consequences on his wallet or relationship.

It does take the shine off it at times :(

Like I will buy him expensive gig tickets for his birthday and get a gym backpack I (specifically) requested for mine!

No, I definately wouldn't make it a deliberately policy, but it helps my overthinking head to consider that it's not necessarily wrong for me to occasionally pay slightly more than my share.

This is a man who’s happy to take advantage of you. You’re avoiding accepting that by focusing on the way you do things.

Start putting everything on that shared tab, especially the food and wine he has at your house. Don’t ask him about this just take him at his word and do it. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

Might not be entirely unintentional, but he is good to me in many ways, including doing hours of math homework with my child. I guess money is not the only currency I want to judge people by. I get your point though. I think I do need to have a proper conversation with him.

exactly, i'm an overthinker too 😂we need to make our peace with things and tie a neat bow on it at the end!

I am beginning to see through the responses on this thread that this niggling feeling I've been having is something that is legitimate and does need to be addressed so I guess that is a start. You're right, I'm avoiding any negative interpretation on his behavior, because he has been a rock to me during a very difficult divorce/court proceedings, and he makes me very happy in very many ways. Will have to sort this issue out!

Definitely not a millionaire 😂Just a steady job in higher education with a decent income.

🙁

You split things 50/50 unless the cost is primarily for your child, then you’d pay more.

Splitting things proportionally according to income makes sense when you have proper shared commitments, like heating oil. But not for meals out when you don’t live together. If he can’t afford to eat out, he needs to speak up. You then either go on your own or you cook together at home.

He needs to contribute more to your shared weekends together and holiday. I’ve never like asked a friend to pay for my meal because I drove to them. If you were work colleagues, yes, I’d expect you to contribute to his fuel, etc costs. But if you weren’t together, it’s not like he’d be sat at home not using the car. He’d be out and about doing stuff. It’s a normal personal expense. I’d contribute to fuel for a 200 mile trip somewhere, sure, but not for his trips to your house.

He’s also using all your electric, water, heating, your internet, contributing to wear and tear in your house, your house you have to insure. Does he pay towards your building and contents insurance? It gets a bit ridiculous when you think of it like that.

For the holiday, you were going anyway, so I wouldn’t necessarily expect him to pay towards accommodation. But yes, 50/50 on all food/drink, days out, etc and leave your wine at home. He sounds cheap though and it’s very unattractive.

I think you know this arrangement is not fair. He is happy to be on the take when it suits him - maybe he thinks you have rented the holiday home anyway, so him joining makes no difference. But suggesting you bring the wine you bought starts to reveal his thinking.

Maybe just ask him what contribution he intends to make? How should you both arrange that week so that expenses incurred are fair?

Of course money isn’t the only way of judging someone - no one is saying that at all. However regardless of someone’s very good qualities, stinginess is a very unattractive trait for many people and does take sesh from some of their good points.

The thing is with people like this, it always only goes one way. They’re happy to take hospitality from others when it works in their favour but always want to split when thru feel they might be a few pence worse off

It stands out how he justifies driving to yours and wear and tear on his car as a reason not to contribute to weekend costs.

I mean it is up to you but I would find that very off putting. Just because he is better than your ex doesn't mean his all that great.

OP I absolutely loathe talking about money, find it very difficult and emotive to do so. As a result I have been taken for a ride financially several times. I like to be generous and share what I have, just like you - I also stock up for holidays, having my partner over etc. So you are not alone.

What really helped me (apart from therapy!) was the book Open Up: Why Talking About Money Will Change Your Life by Alex Holder, it was recommended on another thread a while ago and reading your thread now has just prompted me to go and put it on my bedside table to reread.

It's got some really sensible suggestions on how to think and talk about money, and how to frame discussions.

Surely you can put these expenses on the shared tab? Which is what he would most likely do if things were reversed?

Tbf he’s not a cheapskate if he’s clear he pays his share and is happy to do so

its just different approaches. Some people are happy to pay, and receive, and believe it all works out fair over the long term

some want to ensure each transaction is fair (and this can be so they don’t lose out, or it can be so they don’t want their partner to feel they are taking advantage)

nothing wrong with either approach. It’s just about ensuring both parties know what’s going on.

Thanks, that's good advice!

But that’s what you asked for

sometimes people (men) can’t win. He gets what you want and he should have decided to get more?

Get over the cringe and send him a carefully worded text to say that you need to build up savings especially as dc may be going to uni in the next few years. State that you want to now split weekend costs in half, with you buying an additional bottle of wine to cover the fact that he is travelling to you. Point out that the fact that you pay for all heating and electricity while he is there means it is now even. State that all food and drink should now be split evenly whether at home, on holiday etc.

I too think it is different approaches to money, but I do think my inability to follow his approach to the T or have conversations about this, is making this somewhat unfair to me and a tad resentful at times.

Raise your bar, @whyohwhyisitalwayswet , he’s just not good enough.

I can drive, I have a car, but DP automatically drives. If he told me he’s spending money on petrol coming to see me, I would have told him not to fucking bother.

I wouldn’t put up with it, but you seem to not be phased. In which case, see it as a transaction, because that’s what he does. If he’s coming for a week, he can pay half that week. No, the wine is for your house, you can buy some when you’re away and share. He wants to go Dutch, let him have at it.

But seriously, raise your bar.