To rethink how we share costs?

[whyohwhyisitalwayswet]

Sorry, a bit long but don't want to drip feed!

My partner and I have a solid, happy relationship, have been together for over four years but are not married and don't live together. I'm in my early 50s, and he is in his late 50s. I have a child (early teens) at home, and he has adult children in their mid/late 20s. My only niggling issue is over how we share costs - day to day, as well as on an upcoming Christmas break.

As background we have different attitudes to money generally - I like hosting/being generous/paying for things in the expectation/hope that others will be generous too. He prefers to split costs (even small amounts). This took some getting used to initially as I would treat him to meals/things, and when it was his turn he would put things on the shared tab. I had to learn to put everything on the shared tab.

Question about splitting costs day to day: I don't drive and have less flexibility in my schedule because of my work and single parenting. Currently he drives to me (about 40 mins) every weekend, and I pay for all costs of meals/wine while we are at my place which is 2 nights/3 days usually, so much so that I even pay for takeout if we have it at my place. I've always thought that I end up paying a lot more than he does given the current arrangement, especially as we drink a couple of bottles of wine over the weekend. He covers petrol costs (and it is an electric car now, so much less) to come to me, but he is very helpful around the house (will sort out leaky taps etc), and will drop my son off at a playdate and such (usually short distances). When I have brought sharing of costs up he says I don't take into account the costs of running a car - insurance, servicing etc, so actually it evens out. But, is that something I should be taking into account (given he's always had a car and uses it for commuting to work/sport/socialising and not just to visit me)?

Question about splitting costs on holiday: If we eat out or are on holiday we split expenses fairly (I pay proportionally more if my DC is with us). This is fair I think. There are, however, occasions like this Christmas when my DC is with his dad. I want to spend two weeks by the beach, so I've booked an (expensive) rental. I was going to go anyway so didn't think to ask him to contribute. He is joining me for a week of the two weeks. I am sure that any wine/food we have that he pays for he will put all of that on the shared tab. I just got an order of wine in for home (I paid), and he suggested taking those bottles with us to the beach rental too. That got me thinking, I will pay for the rental and the wine??

Added complication is that we earned the same when we first met but he has since transitioned to a more rewarding but less remunerative career so now he earns less than half of what I do. However, he has substantial savings, and a pension pot whereas I still have a child at home, and a 1/3 of what he does in savings/pensions so do need to save.

So my questions are:

a) is how we split costs fair - day to day, and while on this Christmas holiday?

b) if not, how do I have this conversation with my partner?

Please don't tell me to LTB over this :). We have a very solid relationship, and I just want to be preemptive about this issue that does crop up. Thanks!

He isn't generous and he really does take advantage of you even if you don't want to realise that.
He will not even reciprocate your generosity by paying foe some pastries when you've spent ££££ on accommodation and lovely food for him so now, if you want this relationship and to not feel resentful, you have to put everything tiny teeny item on the shared tab op, you must, it's non negotiable, he won't change.

He might - I'll have to chat with him about it. Hopefully he'll think its reasonable. I think being thrifty is just default for him, but if I raise it he will be receptive, I hope/think!

I have a similar arrangement whereby we spilt some expenses via Splid, and take turns with others. If he suddenly said he was going to split coffee and cake, I’d say- glad you reminded me! I forgot to put Thursday’s lunch out onto the app,

I find that so hard though - putting bus tickets etc on the tab :( It's not how I was raised and it isn't how I am with friends. This summer, for context, we took my son's friend with us camping for a week. His parents obviously offered to pay for food/expenses but I refused to accept it saying we loved having him, and I can't calculate a 1/4 share of every meal we had (some were out at restaurants too) but his parents were lovely and took all of us out for a lovely meal when we got back. So a gift exchange, and that's what I am like with friends.

But the partner you have chosen is not like this, he is not going to change op, not even if you get upset so either put your items on the shard tab or accept you will be paying more than your share but then you can't reasonably get mad with him even though he deserves it.
You have to make a choice it's that simple or find a man that is like you in this money matter but you didn't want people to say that.

This is one if the reasons I haven't suggested a joint account, which would make sense practically. I think DP would on put everything when we're together, as a matter of course, simply because that's what it's for, that's what we agreed, it's correct. Whereas I'd find it really annoying when he put an ice cream on there and, especially, when he bought snack food to share that I don't want!

Yes either you both put EVERYTHING on joint account, or you just say every other time “can you pay for this please, I paid for x yesterday” until he gets it. Best just discuss with him which approach would suit you both and stick to it, so resentment doesn’t overflow.

You're right ofcourse. The thing is this is the only fly in the ointment. My exH was super generous with money and charming to boot, would pay for everyone all the time, but he was utterly nasty to me, emotionally abusive, withheld sex, resented my professional success etc. I would rather deal with this money issue with a kind man who is otherwise generous with his time/effort/care - than be in that kind of relationship again. I know it isn't a binary, but we are different on money issues and I have to find a way to navigate that. This thread is helping, a lot!

Yes, this is ultimately it. I've had the decide whether he's not the man for me, or I'm prepared to deal with shared finances the way he does.

Yeah, it's odd this clash of 'gift exchange culture' versus 'transactional/tab culture'!

Yikes, a cheapsake is always a turnoff.

But he needs to pay for half of the time he's on holiday with you and half of all the costs while on hols.

And TBH even when your kid is there he should be splitting down the middle, its good manners.

It's only cringe the first time, it gets easier.

But I think you should drop this turd.

Ugh, he sounds like a tight sod.
I think when you have the practical conversation, you could also mention that his lack of generosity is becoming increasingly unattractive (because you mentioned the ick).

An immediate double standard is you paying for all the holiday accommodation because you were going anyway before it was decided he would join you for one week, and how his car expenses are brought into the equation to get out of contributing while staying at yours. Unless he'd be getting rid of his car if you broke up, that is utter nonsense. You should factor in the petrol at most.

And God forbid he should do you a nice turn by helping with some household tasks! He may as well bloody invoice you. Did you mention that you do all the cooking when he stays? Are your labour costs factored in then?

You learned to follow his split tab system, maybe it's time he learned to loosen up a bit. I know you don't want "leave him" comments and this isn't one, but I don't think I could stand such stinginess in a partner - unless I saw some significant effort to change when raising it.

I know a few very "generous" men who are downright nasty. That's not to say all generous people are of course.

DP can appear tight, but I've concluded that what he actually is is straight. He likes things fair, sometimes he needs to have it pointed out that things aren't quite as fair as he thinks, but I think that's basically it. He just wants it to be "right".

One follow on question for you helpful folks - does it matter that I currently earn much more than him (even though he has much more in savings/pension)? I was also brought up to always be generous to people who had/earned less. That's the other thing that stops me from bringing this up too.

No, it doesn't matter. He is not your husband, you do not owe him generosity.

He is taking advantage of you and your friends generosity.

Warn your friends that the bill should be split when he is with you.

Yes, I think this is exactly it with my DP. Not a nasty bone in his body - it is just wanting it all discussed/fair/straight but some of his interpretations of fair might be self-serving!

My exH was a covert narcissist - he could not foster real intimacy emotional (or physical with me) with folks so money was his only currency. He'd pay for things and people would mistake that for niceness.

does it matter that I currently earn much more than him (even though he has much more in savings/pension)?
No. I'd not be booking activities that are beyond his budget, but you shouldn't be subsidising him because of his change of job.

I don't think he's miserly, he just thinks differently to you.

I'm the slightly better off of the two of us, and this is how I justify sometimes paying slightly more, to myself. It's not the same really of course, but if we lived together, I'd expect to pay a higher share of bills, in line with my higher income.

So I aim for it to be equal most of the time, butnif we have a weekend where I've cooked most meals and we didn't have wine, I'll live with it.

He is, like yours, very generous with his time and effort.

But hasn't he chosen to earn less recently, to have more time/less stress?
You could do the same surely, and then who would pick up the tab?
If you had cut your hours/income first, would he be thinking about subsidising you?

No, I don’t think it should be proportional to income - as you say income isn’t the only consideration in wealth. You are in different places.

All I’d say say is make sure if he is strapped for cash you don’t splash out on very expensive meals and holidays that he will struggle to afford half of. Just be considerate (which I expect you will given how you are coming across here).

That's helpful! To be fair when I raise these issues he is receptive (after initial defensiveness) so I have hope!

Yeah, probably not, you're right 😂. No subsidising of me going on (or expected) here.

So why doesn't he discuss it when your friends pay for dinner?

He's not straight or fair, he's opportunistic and avaricious.

No, I don't think it does matter for day to day spending which is presumably still well within his means?