To rethink how we share costs?

[whyohwhyisitalwayswet]

Sorry, a bit long but don't want to drip feed!

My partner and I have a solid, happy relationship, have been together for over four years but are not married and don't live together. I'm in my early 50s, and he is in his late 50s. I have a child (early teens) at home, and he has adult children in their mid/late 20s. My only niggling issue is over how we share costs - day to day, as well as on an upcoming Christmas break.

As background we have different attitudes to money generally - I like hosting/being generous/paying for things in the expectation/hope that others will be generous too. He prefers to split costs (even small amounts). This took some getting used to initially as I would treat him to meals/things, and when it was his turn he would put things on the shared tab. I had to learn to put everything on the shared tab.

Question about splitting costs day to day: I don't drive and have less flexibility in my schedule because of my work and single parenting. Currently he drives to me (about 40 mins) every weekend, and I pay for all costs of meals/wine while we are at my place which is 2 nights/3 days usually, so much so that I even pay for takeout if we have it at my place. I've always thought that I end up paying a lot more than he does given the current arrangement, especially as we drink a couple of bottles of wine over the weekend. He covers petrol costs (and it is an electric car now, so much less) to come to me, but he is very helpful around the house (will sort out leaky taps etc), and will drop my son off at a playdate and such (usually short distances). When I have brought sharing of costs up he says I don't take into account the costs of running a car - insurance, servicing etc, so actually it evens out. But, is that something I should be taking into account (given he's always had a car and uses it for commuting to work/sport/socialising and not just to visit me)?

Question about splitting costs on holiday: If we eat out or are on holiday we split expenses fairly (I pay proportionally more if my DC is with us). This is fair I think. There are, however, occasions like this Christmas when my DC is with his dad. I want to spend two weeks by the beach, so I've booked an (expensive) rental. I was going to go anyway so didn't think to ask him to contribute. He is joining me for a week of the two weeks. I am sure that any wine/food we have that he pays for he will put all of that on the shared tab. I just got an order of wine in for home (I paid), and he suggested taking those bottles with us to the beach rental too. That got me thinking, I will pay for the rental and the wine??

Added complication is that we earned the same when we first met but he has since transitioned to a more rewarding but less remunerative career so now he earns less than half of what I do. However, he has substantial savings, and a pension pot whereas I still have a child at home, and a 1/3 of what he does in savings/pensions so do need to save.

So my questions are:

a) is how we split costs fair - day to day, and while on this Christmas holiday?

b) if not, how do I have this conversation with my partner?

Please don't tell me to LTB over this :). We have a very solid relationship, and I just want to be preemptive about this issue that does crop up. Thanks!

I'm not dissing JL, but they were from the Homeware section. 😢

@Laura95167 , the takeaway vs driving one is tricky, because it's a host/guest one, but the way round that would be, you got the takeaway, I'll get the drinks.
The holiday one is again host and guest.
The bring the wine you ordered is probably just not thinking as opposed to CFery. A 'Could you chip in please, Martin?' would be fine.

Driving over - 40 mins in a car would be about 15-20 miles here (about £7.85 in petrol but my price per mile is much higher due to annual running cost). Wouldn't really offset anything, but as a car owner, they are not cheap.
My attitude to giving lifts to non-drivers and drivers is different. The non-drivers tend to treat me as a free taxi.
The car charging would probably be offset by things like showering, tv, cooking etc so I'd probably say that.

I'd have been silently annoyed at the Neal's Yard bath product being used, but if it was on display, it would have been my fault. If I was a guest, I'd probably have used or my own.

I get the whole you host you pay if youre cooking dinner. But this isnt a party its a partner, and if as a couple youre ordering together youd think turn taking or putting it on the joint tab you use eating out. Or as you say driver brings wine, host pays for tea.

I dont think hes terrible. But I certainly wouldnt drive to my partners, drink their wine and let them order us a take away week after week and respond with I pay for my petrol (which on average is 13p - 18p a mile or 2p - 8p if car is electric, depending whether its charged off peak or not) as for running costs, I agree my car isnt cheap. But he doesnt have the car to visit her, he has the car and he visits her. She shouldnt have to pay for his car running costs, anymore than he should pay for her utilities. And even if it did cost him £7.85 including running costs. Thats a bottle of wine. Hes still getting a better deal and responded cheaply when it was pointed out.

And I think fairer is either all costs on the table and shared proportionately (which i think is a bit clinical and mean all round) or he sucks up running cost, she sucks up utilities (as she already does) And the treats together like the take away and wine are split or shared. She isnt even bringing up the other meals. If hes there 3 days and 2 nights theres likely at least 2 breakfasts and/or lunches, 1 other evening meal and incidentally like tea, coffee, pop, snacks that she as hostess provides

@Laura95167 , I've been in that sort of situation (Mr Shitpresent) and I was always paying. I snapped when we went for a meal and I didn't fancy anything on the menu and wasn't hungry so only had a drink and he had a meal and a drink. Eventually he said 'Shall I go and pay?'.

Normal behaviour would be to take turns. The putting his cinnamon bun on the shared tab was taking the piss.

He house shares and enjoys the comfort of her home.
He has a room.
And people defend his costs of travel verses food and wine for a weekend?

Batshit.
He knows well.
He has a Spa weekend at OP's for free.

That your friends defend such behaviour just means you are surrounded by very low standards.

Tot up an average for what you spend and do the annual math X by 4 years.

He has cost you thousands OP.
Thousands that could be earning interest for your child.

I am very sensible with money despite being very well off.
I value money, I always have, for the security and freedom it brings.
I have raised my children similarly.

But there is a truly vast difference between being sensible and plain mean.

This is a very mean man that is financially taking advantage of a vulnerable single parent.

As @Twisted rightly pointed out, you don't see it now, but you will eventually and you will kick yourself.

We are harsh on MN when women are taken advantage of by mean men.

Mean men are repugnant, completely irredeemable in my opinion., always focused on their needs and getting one over whatever mug is paying.

Of course he is nice and helpful, he's half living off you.

You wouldn't be in this situation if he was nasty AND mean!

He is really stingy and mean and he knows what he is doing. Cute Hoor, I would call him.

I would find that repulsive.

He is paying his car costs anyway. Hungry bastard.

Mean and stingy - very attractive. I’d take the one week you have alone at the beach house to contemplate why you are with him and why you are allowing him to walk all over you.

@whyohwhyisitalwayswet did you have a chat with him?

So, I had a chat with him, and it went incredibly well. We discussed our respective relationships with money, our different attitudes/inconsistencies/anxieties about money, and the fact that we have to navigate different disposable incomes in our relationship. A lot of the mismatch/gap in expectations turned out to be down to not talking about money at all. We cleared the air, and have reached a resolution on weekend spending (he's already contributed a case of wine, and some groceries) and gifts (he's got my son a belated birthday gift, and has something in mind for christmas). He also apologized for some 'tight' behaviour with money over last year which was down to his anxiety of being out of work, and his post-divorce situation.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my post, and offer me some incredibly helpful advice with my problem. One poster had suggested I read Alex Holder's 'The Power of talking about money', which I did, and it was very helpful in opening about and thinking about money consciously. Another poster had also suggested that I think about whether I am careless with money, which also made me rethink my spending habits. While some of the posts were pretty brutal about my DP, I realize (and I do this myself in my responses to posters) we all tend to bring our own relationships/situations into responses, so it was important for me also to rely on my own judgment and the judgment of my close friends who know, like and respect my DP. But brutal or kind, ALL of you helped me open up about an issue that could have built resentment over time and savaged an otherwise lovely relationship with a kind loving man. So, thank you, thank you, thank you!!

Thanks for the update @whyohwhyisitalwayswet Glad to hear it went well. I hope you’ll continue to be observant and reflective on how you treat money both as a couple and individually.

Glad it went well OP ☺️

So happy to read this update OP!

A happy ending at last for one Op.

Squeal I love a resolved issue & happy ending.

Just watch it and now you can see it, don’t let him away with it again. I’m only saying this as I would try and make amends too if I thought my bank machine was closing, sorry to say that but you are the only one who knows him so I’m just saying, be cautious!

And good luck x

Good for you OP :)

This.
He's half lived off her for four years, a case of wine is a drop in the ocean in what he has cost her.

I haven’t RTFT but this is what I’d suggest OP. Set up a joint account and agree to an amount you both put in each month. Then pay any expenses incurred when you are together from that account (including groceries, wine and the like for when he stays with you.)

I know if you’re generous by nature this doesn’t feel great, but if you want to stay with him, it’s the only way the make it fair. He’s not likely to suddenly become a generous person or see things your way!