to think getting up as a guest at 5.30am is too antisocial?

[LoisLaneKent]

Once or twice a year, I host a friend for up to a week because she is travelling from a distance.

The last two times she has stayed with me, she has left on a Saturday morning at the crack of dawn. The first time it was to catch a flight but the recently it was just to meet friends in another city and screwed up my sleeping pattern that weekend (with earplugs!).

Am I AIBU to ask her to change her leaving plans in future or should I suck it up and I'm being a moany host!

I quite like it when people leave early. Like when DP has to travel for work and leaves before it's light. I feel like I have won a couple extra hours in bed on my own!
Re-frame your thinking. Don't change peoples plans!

So she uses your home as an Airbnb so she can socialise while you’re working then come Saturday morning when you’re free, she’s off at the crack of dawn?

She sounds like she’s using you rather than visiting you tbh

@BlueWorkDay you might be right. I had one day off work I spent with her and another evening took her to an event even though I was knackered.

On her last night she spent it at a dinner with another friend which I found a bit rude tbh. We had a drink when she came back.

So yes - maybe part of it is wanting to come AT the weekend. Not leave on it.

Do you actually spend any time with her ?
are you starting to feel used?

She is also very hospitable when I visit her I want to say. But I do always make sure my days fall at least partly over a weekend.

We spent x2 evenings out together, both after work in my case and one full day together when I have off work. The rest of the time she's out with other people and comes back whenever.

On the one hand, it's nice not to have to entertain her 24/7 - on the other, a part of me does feel hotel-like.

Just ask her to be mindful of the noise in the morning as you want to sleep in. Tell her to fill kettle and set out breakfast the night before. If she doesn't know she wakes you then she wouldn't know that she needs to be more quiet.

I mean, you just need to talk to her and say what you'd like.

If I was staying with a friend, I wouldn't want to impose on them 100% of the time - I'd think it was polite to get out of their hair a bit. It sounds like she's balanced spending time with you and allowing you your own space quite well.

I also wouldn't think getting up and leaving early would be inconsiderate, as long as I was quiet in doing so. And it wouldn't occur to me that anyone would be woken up by a kettle - even DP, who is an absurdly light sleeper, isn't woken up when I put the kettle on early.

If you're unhappy with any of that you need to communicate it... I don't think she is being thoughtless or inconsiderate.

Negotiate better in advance.

Tell her what dates / days suit you to host her and spend time with her. Push back against anything that doesn't work for you.

If it matters to you tell her you can't cope with 5 am starts so plan around that.

If I was that tired i would go back to bed after she left but if you are worked up about it that is hard.

If she is using you as somewhere to stay, she needs to ensure you are not woken early. No toilet flushing, kettles etc. Or to leave later when you are up. Other than for a flight, what is the hurry? Sound a bit obsessive to me.

Also, I'm sorry for your loss.

I suspect you weren't emotionally (or physically) ready to host at all, but couldn't cancel on her with so little notice. So you probably didn't enjoy her company as much, little inconveniences affected you more than usual and as you've said your sleeping pattern's gone to shit anyway. I think you need to chalk this up to everything happening at the wrong time and take the time you need to mourn (and get your sleep patterns back).

I think it would be a real shame to lose a friend or see them less often because of a couple of broken nights sleep a year. I don't buy the 'using you as a hotel' thing either. Sounds like she spends plenty of time with you, and hosts you in return. Use your words!

No toilet flushing?! Isn't the alternative to flushing the loo much more impolite?!

What other noises was she actually making, other than filling up the kettle and plugging it in? You must be an incredibly light sleeper if that wakes you up from a different room, and whilst you have ear plugs in. Next time, could you leave the kettle filled up the night before and plugged in? Are there any other specific noises she was making that could be avoidable?

If she's got these sort of plans that involve getting up at 5.30 maybe staying in a hotel would suit better?

"I have plans so you will have to be disturbed while I stay at your house"

Anyone who thinks the OP should just suck it up is demonstrating an entitled attitude towards other people’s hospitality.

Literally saying the friend is entitled to OP’s hospitality and therefore OP should “suck it up” rather than protecting her own free time and rest.

Oh for goodness sake. What a ludicrous overreaction. The OP's guest is only there once or twice a year for a few days. And she only gets up at 5.30am on the last day she is staying!

If it bothers the OP so much, she needs to grow a pair, and tell the friend she can't stay, as she can't possibly be woken at 5.30 a.m. for TWO days of the year! Good grief! 🙄

@gannett thanks - I think you're right. It's hard because it did cheer me up some to have her here but I felt the weight of having to host more as the bereavement is so recent.

@StewkeyBlue yeah unfortunately she simply told me the dates she was coming after she had booked! Not ideal, I do need to speak up.

Why should she 'reframe her thinking!?' It's her house!

If she is a good friend, @LoisLaneKent, you ought to be able to say to her that you struggle with her getting up so early on a Saturday morning - your sleep pattern is all messed up at the moment, and after a long working week, you can't cope with being woken up at 5.30am - without her getting in a huff.

This. ^ My DH works nights some weeks, and gets in at around 6.30am (my normal waking time is 8.30am) and he never disturbs me, I don't hear him at all.

And I'm not a heavy sleeper (not light but not heavy.) He does sleep in another bedroom when he's been on nights, but the OP's guest will be in a separate bedroom too presumably!

Well then (as I said,) the OP needs to grow a pair, and tell her friend she can't stay, as she can't cope with being woken at 5.30am on one - or even <<<GASP>>>TWO days of the year! 🙄

Seriously though, it's only one or two days a year. Why can you not cope with this? How bizarre.

She’s taking the piss imo and using you as a free hotel so she can go out socialising on your area and home the weeks c when you’re free to spend time with her, she’s off.

You need to speak up OP. Tell her that if she’s staying again, then you’ll need uk agree dates in advance that work for both of you, not just for her convenience

I think she using you, having dinner with another friend while staying with you is bad form.