MIL Christmas present demand

[User28884995]

For the last few years when in laws and my parents have asked about presents we have politely said some money for our children’s savings account or a voucher would be best as we have a real lack of space at home and as we are not in a position to put savings aside ourselves at the moment so this has felt like a good idea. When my dd was younger MIL decided without asking to give a large range of other presents which were kind of things which we would have wanted to give and which took away from what we as parents were able to do. This year she has messaged my dh saying she wants to give dd a gift herself, when she knows we have asked for money for savings or a voucher. Just feeling overstepped and not sure what to do.

I think giving an actual present is not an unreasonable request, she doesn't want to just give cash.

Could you give her some suggestions of actual presents?

I think MIL wanting to give her grandchild a physical gift and see the joy it brings is normal.

Maybe she’s aware that you’re short on cash etc so why don’t you suggest gifts?

I completely understand but try to see it as a positive that your children will get a lovely present even though you can’t afford it.

It's a gift to her grandchild

You might prefer money or a voucher but you are neither giving nor recceiving the gift so, unless she's proposing something like buying a giant trampoline when you live in a flat without a garden, I don't think it's reasonable for you to demand she comply with your preferences

Why is it ok for her to give you cash for savings so you can buy the actual presents. But it’s not ok for her to buy the presents?

you can only use space as an issue if you’re buying nothing as well.

you need to think of something tangible she can get. It’s really a very normal and reasonable request and you’re being a bit precious if you think otherwise in my view.

What is the voucher for, an experience or gift voucher like John Lewis? How old is DD? Would books be an idea (you can never have too many books!)

Of course GPs want to give their DGC an actual present and see them open it. Suggest something that you know your Dc will be excited about, and which you can fit in your house.

She is not overstepping, you are being controlling.

Maybe let her buy a gift you were going to get and put the money that would have been spent in a saver?

which took away from what we as parents were able to do

YABVU to think a grandmother giving her granddaughter gifts is taking something away from you. Get over yourselves, she's treating the granddaughter she loves.

Lots of people don't like giving money as it doesn't feel like a 'real' gift, or because they don't get to see the delight on a child's face when they open present.

yup that particular phrase from OP stood out to me as well as being totally ridicolous.

It's completely normal for her to want to give a real gift in person to her grandchildren. Of all the small pleasures, it feels really unkind to deny your mil that one.
At least she's being honest about her feelings. If I was a grandma I 'd absolutely not want to guve vouchers only for gdc.

However if you're worried about overlap with your gift, you can coordinate woth her asking her to let you gift x and explain that as you can't afford many gifts yourself, you'd prefer if she restricted it to one or two.

Re: the size of gift just put your ego to one side and be happy for your dc! It's not like they'll love you less because grandma has a bigger present.

I assume savings is for long term not short term. MIL set up a savings account for DS, where she would put a small amount in for birthdays, Easter etc. We are not talking Trust fund amounts but was a nice bonus for him when he turned 18 and was going to uni

Sorry but I think you are unreasonable dictating to your Mil that she should give money when she prefers giving a physical gift. Just give her some ideas and you can gift her money yourself. I'm a dil but #teammil on this one.

I think it’s fair she wants to give a gift. You not having space is a poor excuse. Gifts don’t have to be large. How old is your child?
Can she do a wish list ?

In my view a gift is between the giver and reciever, and unless there's a really good reason, such as safety or nowhere to keep it then you should back off and let givers give what they choose. Other people in your child's life are giving presents to give your child pleasure, not to top up the bits of parenting you can't manage, like savings.

If you don't want stuff why not suggest they take DC on an outing/ to the cinema/theatre/a sports event or similar.

I can understand why she wants to give a physical present. I took the bit about stepping on your toes to mean with specific gifts that it feels important for you to get yourself - e.g my in laws bought my child her first bike without asking us and I felt a bit sad as that’s something I’d have liked to get her. If there are things like that you want to get yourself then say that, but I think you should give a few ideas of physical items she could get.

So a granny wants to buy her young granddaughter toys for Christmas?? Fucking hell what a bitch!

Just let her buy what she wants OP. You can’t insist on money. It’s bloody Christmas. Grannies like buying toys for children and children like opening Barbie dolls and My little Ponies and Lego. It’s been happening for decades. Let it go. I know space is a problem and a lot of toys are just tat, but this time when the children are young is precious - especially for grandparents who may not be here in 5 or 10 years.

Christmas is about the joy of giving. There isn’t much joy for the gifter (or your daughter) in giving cash for a savings account. I would not like to do that for my grandchildren. But I am very happy to buy from a list and always say that the parents should buy the birthday or Christmas gift that each child is likely to love the most.

you and DH decide what you are buying, pick a couple of other options for each child and give the options to MIL for her to choose one of them.

Just communicate!

"We're buying her A, B and C...how about you get her X, Y or Z?"

It's not difficult.

Giving gifts is one of the joys of being a grandparent! Respecting the parents’ wishes is also important thought. Apart from books and puzzles I will check with my child. If there isn’t anything appropriate for a gift just now we owe them something, often activity stuff for the garden. Or buy something they need, winter jacket etc. But still some physical gifts.

Just ask her to get one of the things you were planning on buying , you could even pop the equivalent £’s in savings

If this isn’t an option it shows this is a you problem , are your parents permitted to buy actual gifts ?

@Choux I think it depends on the age of the child, older children quite like cash

Right girls this year Granny and Granddad have given you £75 each to put in your NatWest Junior Cash ISAs!!! Yay!!!

Oh you wanted a Gabby’s Doll House like your friend Emily? But it’s 3.8% interest darling, aren’t you thrilled?