MIL Christmas present demand

[User28884995]

For the last few years when in laws and my parents have asked about presents we have politely said some money for our children’s savings account or a voucher would be best as we have a real lack of space at home and as we are not in a position to put savings aside ourselves at the moment so this has felt like a good idea. When my dd was younger MIL decided without asking to give a large range of other presents which were kind of things which we would have wanted to give and which took away from what we as parents were able to do. This year she has messaged my dh saying she wants to give dd a gift herself, when she knows we have asked for money for savings or a voucher. Just feeling overstepped and not sure what to do.

When my dd was younger MIL decided without asking to give a large range of other presents which were kind of things which we would have wanted to give and which took away from what we as parents were able to do.

I’m with MIL here. Why couldn’t you have put something away in her savings account instead?

Gift giving isn’t just about transaction. It’s about relationship and connection.

Get a Yoto and ask everyone for Yoto cards.

Strikes me that you're the one who's "demanding" @User28884995

I agree that YABU here. I think it’s normal for a grandparent to want to get a gift. Why don’t you ask her if she’d like some ideas of things your child hasn’t got or would like? I don’t think you should specifically ask for cash in this instance.

I don't think she's in the wrong for wanting to give her grandchild an actual present that the kid can unwrap though? Most people can remember the way they felt when they unwrapped a present from a relative that was just what they'd been wishing for, and want to help create that feeling in their children and grandchildren.

If MIL wants to help her GD save when she's older she can choose to give her cash, but you can't force that either way. You can't demand your MIL gives money instead of a gift, you can't actually make her. Be gracious, and grateful that your child's grandparent wants to make her GD happy.

Sometimes, people don't have the 'cash' to gift. They can purchase presents on cards or payment plans e.g Klarna/Paypal but can't convert this to cash.

She sounds R, could you write a list of a few things that would complement whatever it is you are buying your DC?

I can sort of understand. For my son’s first Christmas/birthday my MIL spent an extortionate amount of money on a huge range of bigs toys. Car garage, musical instruments, ride on car etc. I was really upset as I felt he had been gifted stuff that I would have liked to pick and spread out through the early years.

husband spoke to her, she now gets him a medium sized gift. And puts £50 in premium bonds. It works better for us all, he still gets a gift and our house isn’t cluttered!

Kindly YABU.

You can’t demand cash! That’s so rude!

I get it - we once got our DD a small playmobil set thinking we could then buy more for birthdays /Christmas etc. nope, MIL turned up with a literal sack of the stuff completely overshadowing our gift and meaning DD now had so much of the stuff there was never going to be any point buying any more and drowning our small house in toys. She did the same with sylvanian families, baby born dolls and clothes, Lego…

Now the kids are a bit older we just suggest they take them shopping to choose a gift or take them out for a special trip like the theatre or cinema.

I hate being asked for cash

The parents i know who do this never actually spend it on a toy for the child, they either hive it off for the household budget, hoard it in a savings account (this is not fun for the child) or spend it on boring shit the child needs that saves the parent buying it (like furniture).

grandma's buying a gift for the child based on what they would enjoy, its not about what you'd prefer as an adult.

Yabvu

My mum used to buy a present for each of her 9 grandchildren. Well the parents went and got them/ ordered them and she paid for them and wrapped them up. She couldn’t consider vouchers or cash. She insisted on something under the tree for each grandchild.

Whoever is giving the gift gets to decide the terms and conditions of it.

You can still make it helpful for you and you could for example choose a nice clothing item with the child and a small toy. Or if you were going to get something for £50 then ask the MIL to get it and that takes the financial pressure off you.

It’s fine to suggest money/ vouchers but most grandparents would say no to that and even if that’s annoying that’s how it is.

So just choose something nice for MIL to get. If that then leaves you with nothing at all to get then arrange something lovely with the child instead. Eg visit to see Santa somewhere fancy or a theatre trip/ ice skating or whatever. That will be more memorable than the tat received.

You could just buy small things they actually need and then the trip plus MIL gets a present. Overall that’s a nice day for the kid/s. It is a nuisance as you basically have the hassle of thinking/ suggesting and possibly buying the gift and then they are the ones to actually get to give it. But ultimately if they are paying for it then you can spend your money elsewhere.

Your husband could text back 'thank you! Here's links to stuff she likes: '

it's not rude, the MIL ASKED.

Don't ask if you don't like the answer 😂

OP, find something physical, even if it's just books or clothes.
Memberships or tickets to something are also a great compromise. It's a physical thing, no clutter, the kids love it and you send a photo of them in the place/ activity.

This will be one of those threads that goes on for pages but the OP won't come back as she has been unanimously told that she is wrong but she won't accept it. I feel so sorry for mother in laws in this situation and it makes me so glad that my daughter in law is normal. Imagine being told to put money into a savings account for your grandchilds christmas present! I love buying little gifts for mine. I always check first naturally but they are always happy with everything I buy.

I would suggest she splits the gift into a token physical item and a sum of money into savings. Make some suggestions of things the DC would really like. She wants the pleasure of seeing a gift received and enjoyed, not unreasonable. But children can’t tell the difference between a lavish gift and a modest one as long as it’s something they like.

Aww, let her. Put aside your own hang ups and let her, she's grandma after all! It's nice for her too and Christmas is supposed to be for everyone to enjoy, no?

Now the kids are a bit older we just suggest they take them shopping to choose a gift or take them out for a special trip like the theatre or cinema.

Don't take away the fun for MIL watching the gift being unwrapped! Or, do as above, and get MIL to wrap a selection box to open on the day, and a card with a diary date for the shopping expedition already arranged written in the card. That way no duplication, and there's something to look forward to once the holiday glow has worn off.

I’m with you on this one OP. I imagine there’s a bit of a back story beyond gift giving. If your MIL is anything like my mother, she’s a crap grandma who puts in zero effort or energy day to day, but wants to buy favour and love by spending money on the grandchildren.
Send a link to 1 present per child and if she’s desperate to buy anything else ask to put the money in savings. This is what works for us.

Sorry OP, I think you’re being unreasonable here. Find some books or toys that your child would like and let MiL gift them.

Why don’t you just let them buy one of the things you were planning to get anyway? Then no more space is lost because you’ve already accounted for that item, and you can put the money you’ve saved from not buying it yourself into the savings.

You were upset when your MIL previously bought something that you wanted to buy, but surely you can see that if YOU want to see your child open gifts that are FROM YOU, then your MIL wants the same joy at seeing her grandchild open gifts that are FROM HER.

Isn't that what xmas is about? Giving actual gifts and seeing the other person's joy (especially when it comes to kids!)
Give her a couple of suggestions and enjoy your DC's joy at getting an actual present to open.

My sister in law's PILs give so many massive bulky shite plastic gifts to their two tiny grandkids that a van was once suggested to shift them home after Xmas.

Unless your mother in law is doing this, I'd say let her at it. It's lovely that she wants to give her grandchild a gift.

Ask her to buy whatever you would use the vouchers for?

Nothing like the joy on a child’s face when they open a gift of something they want.

Money in savings just doesn’t cut it as a gift giver!

I don’t think it’s the MIL who is being controlling or demanding.

Let Grandma buy an actual wrapped gift that’s under the tree/handed over in person.

As other people are saying, you can put the amount that you were going to spend on that item into their savings or buy them something they need that you can wrap up from you.

You don’t say how old your DC is, but even if it’s something they need like Wellies or jumpers something they grow out of but you need to get year on year.