MIL Christmas present demand

[User28884995]

For the last few years when in laws and my parents have asked about presents we have politely said some money for our children’s savings account or a voucher would be best as we have a real lack of space at home and as we are not in a position to put savings aside ourselves at the moment so this has felt like a good idea. When my dd was younger MIL decided without asking to give a large range of other presents which were kind of things which we would have wanted to give and which took away from what we as parents were able to do. This year she has messaged my dh saying she wants to give dd a gift herself, when she knows we have asked for money for savings or a voucher. Just feeling overstepped and not sure what to do.

You sound controlling op. Also get a grip it's one present

When my dd was younger MIL decided without asking to give a large range of other presents which were kind of things which we would have wanted to give and which took away from what we as parents were able to do.

But can't you see how this works both ways? You didn't want to be the one to end up giving your DD a boring present of money for her savings account because all the good options were gone, you wanted to see her happy little face when she opened a gift that would delight her.

Well her grandma wants that too. It's not an unreasonable thing to want. Surely there is a middle ground to be found here? You can't lay down the law to people about what they can and cannot buy as gifts. Just give the woman some suggestions and stop being so controlling and mardy about it.

Does she live next door and wanted to see more of her grandchildren? 😂Boing!

Sounds quite grabby

Only unacceptable present would be a trumpet (or a grand piano lol). Or slime. Actually a few more unacceptable presents come to mind. But if it isn't noisy or messy or huge just put on a smile and say thank you.

The title of your thread says it all - I thought your MIL was demanding a certain present for herself! Turns out, she'd just like the pleasure of giving her grandchild a gift.

Maybe I'm wrong but it sounds like your MIL is buying gift in quantity or quality that you can't afford to buy yourself so it feels like she's overshadowing you as parents?

I think it's reasonable for her to want to buy a gift instead of giving cash but I do think it would be quite insensitive of her if it was the case that she was buying volumes of expensive gifts in stark disparity to what you can afford yourselves. But I think the difference would have to be quite significant and more than a one off to insensitive.

I can understand that as a parent you'd like to be able to provide the main source of excitement at Christmas time and not have it provided by someone else year on year.

Obviously if she just wants to buy a gift similar to what you can provide instead of cash then that's completely reasonable.

Imagine you’re in the position of wanting to give your grandchild a present that they’ll remember and associate with you?

Money is so impersonal and the children will never associate it with you.

your child does not care whats in their savings account!! and because you can’t afford to spoil them then no one else is allowed either. Selfish? Yep!!!
I assume that one day you will give your child the savings account with a grand fanfare and not even mention that it was funded by granny either.

Yea my SIL always asks for money/vouchers etc for her 3yr old son (im his godmother and we only buy for our godchildren) not because she needs the money for him but because she hates too many toys cluttering her house… I hate giving him money when all his cousins get toys! She gives my son vouchers but he doesn’t understand the concept yet and just wants a toy… maybe if you look at it from that POV you might understand her wanting to buy gifts a bit better x

So you want cash from her to save because you cant afford it, but want to spend what you can on a actual present so you get all the thanks etc.

Jeez, grabby much 😂

Why on earth should a grandmother not spoil her grandchild with a wonderful gift, even if it’s more valuable than what their parents got them? What’s insensitive of being a wonderful and loving grandma??

So many rules in modern parenting. Let her give a gift. Eg a pencil case with her fave character/pop star etc on it. How much space will that really take? Don’t be so difficult and precious over something so trivial.

This is so weird. You don’t want your kid to have a gift to open from their grandparent? Kids don’t care about savings!

If she bought the big present you could put the money you would have spent on it in savings.

I agree with all the other posters. She wants to give them an actual gift to.open. juat give her ideas of what they want. I think its you who is overstepping! You can't control what gifts someone buys for their grandkids

Wow. Thats not overstepping.
If anything it’s rude to insist that people give only specific gift and nothing else. And a bit ungrateful.
Don’t look a gift horse in its mouth

I wonder how these MIL haters feel when they are in that position - hopefully you all have sons and get daughter in laws like the ones moaning on Mumsnet!

My parents set a budget of £50 for each child, i then buy presents to roughly this amount, tell them what i bought/ will buy for the kids and they get given it for Christmas. ( they live in a different country)
MIL likes the lidl middle aisle and reduced crap ( mainly) , birthday present to our 9 year old was a candle ( in childs favourite colour to be fair) and a Halloween costume 🤣 ( birthday is 4 weeks before halloween)
I also used to buy present 'from' their great grandma for them and great grandma never knew about it it as she had dementia ( i didn't get any money for it, just something for a tenner or so each)
My kids love opening presents and money or a voucher wouldnt have the same excitement.
But also....we don't spend lots on their presents ourselves.
I think it is an lot better /nicer/lovlier/ exciting to have a present/ presents to open for a child.
Personally I'd be thrilled for both sets of grandparents to go all out! But that's just me!
But I agree the best thing would be to check what your kids would like/ need.
When our oldest got a switch i asked my parents to chip in. ( i paid more) and they were fine with this. And child knows it was from all of us.

This year she has messaged my dh saying she wants to give dd a gift herself, when she knows we have asked for money for savings or a voucher

So MIL hasn't actually demanded anything?

My DD is first grandchild on both sides and born at Christmas. Grandmothers champ at the bit at the beginning of April fgs!

We barely buy DD anything - instead we put cash aside and give specific gift ideas to each grandparent set. Eg MIL is getting pyjamas/dressing up stuff. My DM is getting playmobil. My DD is getting bike stuff. It's the only way to manage it and avoid a double up!

The wild card is my SIL who has strong opinions on my parenting and tries to break our rules!

What has she demanded?
It's pleasurable to give gifts as well as receiving them obviously!

It’s a token gift to celebrate the occasion she has given money for savings a few times and probably wanted an actual gift to give to the child which is why she’s asked.
she wants to get something and give it to her grandchildren to get the enjoyment of seeing them receive it. Xmas is massively transactional it’s not really for bulking up kid’s savings it’s a celebration maybe you could add to savings and not get so many gifts if that’s important to you.

OP you could give your DC a voucher or money for savings if you are concerned about them getting too much stuff.

My favourite moment from last Christmas was watching my 8 year old who no longer believed in Santa open a gift from his grandmother (my MiL) and gasp at how right she got it. It wasn’t on his Christmas list, just something I knew he would really want (even if he didn’t yet know he needed it) from my listening to what he had been saying all year.

He turned to her and said - how do you always read my mind? To this day he is still convinced she has special mind reading powers because she will always gets it right with presents (she asks us every year what he wants rather than asks him). That hasn’t taken away from our gift-giving as parents, but rather has allowed us to experience the sweet grandparent/child bond they share alongside them.