AIBU to feel upset about my well-off in-laws being tight with money at Christmas?

[Gingerbreadcottage]

I’m feeling a bit sad and annoyed and just want to sanity-check whether I’m being unreasonable.

My in-laws are very comfortable financially - retired, mortgage paid off, big house, multiple holidays a year, no real financial worries. We, on the other hand, are on a low income and things are tough at the moment. They know all of this.

Back in the summer, they offered (we didn’t ask) to put £100 towards a new bike for our son. It was kind of framed as a nice gesture at the time. Then they later told us that because they’d contributed to the bike, they would only get him “something small” for his birthday, as the bike was his birthday present from them. Fine, I understood that.

Fast forward to the other day: we were at theirs and they asked what we all might like for Christmas. I said I wasn’t sure yet what our son would like, and I’d let them know. My MIL immediately said, “Oh don’t forget we bought that bike for him — that was birthday and Christmas, so we’ll just get him a book or something small.”

I just sat there feeling a bit stunned and honestly hurt. It’s not about wanting them to shower him with expensive gifts - it’s more that the £100 they offered months ago is now being used as a reason to opt out of both birthday and Christmas. Meanwhile they are extremely comfortable and spend freely on themselves in other areas.

They also very rarely help with anything practical or day-to-day with him, so it’s not like they’re involved in other ways.

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something about it feels… mean? And I hate that feeling, because I don’t want to care about money like that. But I’m struggling with the idea that their grandson is basically getting a token gift at Christmas because of something they voluntarily contributed to back in July.

AIBU to feel upset and a bit angry about this? Or am I overthinking it?

So are they explaining this to your 7 year old or just gifting a book and leaving your child to wonder why they've only got a token gift?

Or I'm assuming they're expecting you to talk the fall for it, right?

This is shitty behaviour. Really shitty. I think a conversation needs to be had. Along the lines of "please don't offer to help if the help comes with strings attached. Invisible ones you can dangle in front of us at any given opportunity"

If you'd been given the information up front you could have said you'd pay them back or refuse the help but you weren't given the option and now there's going to be a young child who won't understand why this has happened.

Thank you

I think when you are old a lot of things feel out of control - you have to get help to do more things, you are at the mercy of your health, your children do what they like, your friends start dying. Maybe you don't even understand everything that's happening out there - AI, how to pay for things online, how to spot a scammer.

But you can control what you spend and build a big cash buffer to feel safe.

Spare a poor thought for my 15 year old who got a pad of paper with unicorns on it to plan homework from his Nanna last Christmas. It came from the charity shop, of course. He never expected anything much from her. We bought him plenty of presents.

I think it’s really unfair change the goalposts. The money was towards one gift/event. Next birthday, are they going to say that the £100 was to cover that too? Mean af.

There was a recent long thread about older people and their money.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5437719-parents-hoarding-money?latest=1

I think that there may be more to this - we don't know yours or theirs full financial situation and yes, it is their money to do with as they wish. I also try to ensure that I try to treat my adult DC fairly by keeping a note on my phone. Also as a PP has stated, they may be saving for their future care needs.
I would thank them for their gifts and move on.

My parents did this. They were then scammed and it transpired they had hundreds of thousands of pounds.

All went on care home fees.

Sad really, you never get that time back.

People have their ideas on how much they feel is appropriate to spend on gifts. This isn't necessarily linked to how much money they have, or indeed how generous they are as people, as it can be based in not wanting to over indulge, or encourage materialism, or simply the dislike of the commercialism surrounding everything.
If they were otherwise kind and giving (of their time and their attention) I wouldn't be bothered. However it sounds like you see this as part of a pattern of low interest in your child. If so, that's the thing to feel a bit sad about, not the gift part. Because frankly, throwing plenty of money at a child when you can well afford it is easy and it's not what good grandparents are made of.

You're welcome.

“Remember we got you those flowers for Mother’s Day, they were for Christmas and your birthday too.”

That bottle of wine we brought last Christmas was for this Christmas too.

I think that the fact they are getting older and the fact that they have a number of GCs to buy for plus the fact that everyone is scared shitless about the forthcoming budget means that they may be feeling financial strains or fears over their finances that you are unaware of.

I have a friend who adores gifting. She does not have children or extended family and so she spends lavishly on gifts for her friends. I find it really difficult tbh because although I can in theory return her £50 gifts for birthday and Christmas, she is simply not the only person I have to buy for. 2 Dcs, 8 nieces and nephews, 4 great-nieces and nephews. 4 god children. And although we look as if we are financially secure, my funds are very tightly balanced. So when she suggests we gift for this and that, or we go away for a long weekend to Bruges etc., I can't manage it and she gets shirty because we have paid off the mortgage, and appear quite well-off.

I wonder if one of their other children has commented on them gifting the £100 and now they are tying themselves in knots trying to
look fair. I really don’t think you should cut contact and some of the responses on here are pretty extreme.

Perhaps you can judge whether to give them the benefit of the doubt based on your relationship with them and the wider family dynamics.

No they are being greedy assholes. This is t about the money it’s about the feeling that they really don’t give a shit and that they are looking at ur son as a
bill they have to pay. In future tell them to ram their contributions. They have shown their true colours and how they want it to work. They should be ashamed of themselves. I’d rather have a book that is picked and chosen with love than a contribution that is chucked in ur faced all year. They are dicks. Don’t fall for this again and do t give them any clues as to what your son ever needs for
presents. Let them pick themselves and show the value they place on the boy. Horrible people. As said it’s Not about how much money they have, they are entitled to spend on themselves all they want also
entitled to not buy ur done anything at all
either. but the fact they have it shows me he is just a bill to sort out. U are not being mean or greedy. I’d have very limited contact with them.

My DM has said many times that she wants to make sure I have an easier time than she did. Even things like wanting to buy us a dishwasher as she never had one!

OP what would your inlaws normally spend on birthday/ Xmas pressies? Would £50 each be usual for them? I do think it’s shitty behaviour just because they are making a big thing out of helping you out. It’s just horrible to keep reminding you. If they had said at the time “we’re happy to give you £100 as an early bday / Xmas present so that DGS can have his bike” then fine. But even then I’d be pissed off about it being mentioned all the time. But the fact that they made it out that the £100 was a gift but then added the strings of it being an early gift is just horrible. Your DH needs to call them out. Not because you expect more spent on him (unless there’s a disparity with him and the other GC’s) but because they are treating you in a really mean and disrespectful manner.

This sounds very likely, most people I know keep
a record of how much they spend on children and grandchildren, nieces and nephews to ensure stays balanced throughout the year. £50 for birthday and Xmas is
still generous - he just had it early for the bike. Maybe they thought it was obvious it was an early gift - better on a bike than useless stuff that only used for a bit. If my parents gifted £100 I would have asked if they were doing similar for other GCs or checked if for Xmas and birthday for the year.

I’m surprised how many people think this is mean - GPs don’t have unlimited funds and it’s expensive if you start giving large gifts for Xmas and birthdays and then on offs on top.

unclear from OP if child has outgrown previous bike or this was first bike and that was why it was important to do in summer when would make most use of it. Bike at Christmas is a lot harder to use!

😂

Mean to the extreme
I can understand why you are upset OP but the reality is that they won't change.
Please try not to let this take up too much space in your head, it simply isn't worth it.
Ime, those with the most money are frequently the meanest

I don't think saying the money for the bike was a birthday and christmas present is wrong in and of itself - if the budget they set for Birthdays and Christmas is £50 child then that's fair enough, no matter how much they have or appear to have.

It would be mean if they were routinely spending more on the other grandkids.

What is mean, or actually a better description would be cruel, is not making it clear from the start that their £100 contribution would replace your sons christmas and birthday present from the start.

I presume that you also contributed some to the bike, so is your son even aware that any of the money came from his grandparents?

If they had said from the start, we will give you £100 now but it is both his christmans and birthday presents this year, you could have arranged for them to give it directly to DS and you could have given him the money too so he could go an choose his bike - that way he would have been clear that it was a gift from all of you.

Changing the goal posts is really horrible as at 7 DS is not going to understand that they made a contribution to his bike which was their gift to him, unless it was explained that way from the start.

I was prepared to tell you that you were unreasonable. Some people just take a different, more restrained approach to gifting and there is nothing wrong with that.

this scenario is not that. If you are going to do a combined birthday-Christmas gift, it should be made clear in the beginning.

There are exceptional gifts where it is justified. I don’t personally think this is one of them, but they failed in the notification which is where they are wrong.

One man's "tight" is another man's "sensible". They should have been upfront about the fact the £100 was intended to cover more than one occasion but beyond that, I don't think they are doing anything wrong. Some people give smaller gifts and it's not necessarily connected to how much money they have (the royal family famously just give joke gifts and tokens).

I really hate all the posts on this site about in laws being "tight", "mean" or "hoarding money", based solely on the fact they have more money than you. It is normal for people to have more money in retirement, because they need to fund that retirement plus possibly care as well. It's their money, not yours. I'm planning to be very generous to my kids (and grandchildren should I have any). But it doesn't follow that anyone taking a different approach is tight.

Just follow their lead and give smaller gifts to them.

You are not being unreasonable, I think it is mean to do this to a child.

For my son‘s 4th birthday in March, my PIL bought him a Tonie. We didn’t ask for it, perhaps someone told MIL to buy it. We have recently been informed he is not getting a gift for Christmas because a Tonie is expensive. Similar to your parents in law they have plenty of money.

The even more uncomfortable thing is, for three or four months afterwards she would ring to check that he was using the toy. He didn’t actually like it so we had to lie to keep the peace…

my husband and I have agreed that we are going to buy a small gift wrap it up and pretend it is from them. Otherwise he will get confused getting lots of presents from my parents, and non-from other grandparents.

It’s mean because they keep moving the goalposts. Next year I’d be saying “I didn’t expect you to get him a birthday present this year, what with the bike you helped with”

I think present giving (and obviously receiving) used to be much more modest generally in the past. My grandma probably spent around £30 to £50 on our presents in today’s terms. When my mum was a child gifts were very small indeed and often homemade. The exception being a tricycle one year. They had little money though when my mum and her sister were small. Even when grandma was comfortably off giving or receiving big gifts didn’t sit comfortably with her. My mum used to go all out and grandma would say it “sickened” her 😂 She wasn’t at all mean spirited generally and she was great when we stayed with her, doing child centred things.

I’m on the fence as to whether they are being mean as it depends on their behaviour in other ways.

My parents and my ILs do keep a running total of what they spend on the grandchildren. That situation may be in play here.

In our case it’s easy for one side to balance because they always send cash. The other side does gifts and at the end of the year make contributions to the children’s university savings in values that even things up. The children are unaware this happens when they are young and are just happy with thoughtful gifts regardless of price, but it makes the in-laws feel better and we parents love the habit.

They sound really tight! It’s their money of course but if I were you I’d be tempted to buy the muppets Christmas carol and gift it to them from your son at xmas. At least you’d be able to have a little laugh to yourself about it.