Parents hoarding money

[Antisocialg1t]

Speaking to my Dad today and he boasted he saves £2,000 / month and has well in excess of £250,000 sitting in the bank. He was lamenting not having enough places to put his money without paying tax. He also stated that in retirement he's never had it so good compared to his working life.

I can't help but feel resentment. I think this stems from the almost daily grind of raising two children (15 and 13), always wanting the best for them, and sacrificing constantly. I'm hugely motivated by the fact I strongly believe that adult life is going to be harder for them than it was for me and hugely more difficult than it was for my parent's generation. I just can't reconcile feeling how I do about my children, and knowing that my dad thinks very differently about me and my family. It has brought to mind how little he's ever done for my children / his grandchildren, despite being retired for their entire lives. It's also brought into sharp focus how much of his time he's used to save and hoard money, rather than give more of himself.

But I feel huge guilt because this has come up because of a conversation about money.

Anyone else in a similar position?

Many will say its his money, he's earned it etc etc however, I think hoarded wealth is nuts when you have so much excess you don't know what to do with it and you have a family. I can't imagine sitting on that amount, and not passing some down the chain to my children in my lifetime and see how it changes their world. Not waiting til inheritance when it has less impact. It's so strange.

Not saying he should give all away but to be boasting about having so much excess is tone deaf, many of that veneration don't believe those below have it any harder than they though.

Next time he says that he doesn't know what to do with his money you can say that other grand-parents find a joy in supporting their grandchildrens' hobbies etc.

I do empathise. I have a similar situation with mine I guess. Very comfortably retired and whilst not smug about it per se - he and his wife are very much 'let them eat cake' about anyone else & world situations. I don't 'want' their money or feel entitled to it as its just not my nature, but similar to you, what makes me sad is what others/children/Grand have missed out on over years we will never get back whilst they are both entirely devoting themselves and their retirement to her own Daughter & children with a lot of gaslighting. I see straight through it and always have but it makes me immeasurably sad, even at 47!

He’ll end up spending all his money on paying for care in his elderly years so 🤷‍♀️

we have a similar situation. In truth I think they want 10 years of care home fees, but the “I’ve got so much money I don’t know what to do with it” talk is very tiresome, particularly when when what they think is generous benevolence isn’t really compared to the much poorer relatives we have. I don’t want their money, but I don’t want them making a big deal out of it either.

DM is like this, much smaller figures but it's all she talks about. Whereas DF has much less cash and is much happier. Its about memories not money.

Agreed. What’s the point of money if you can’t help your children and grandchildren?

when he next ask about what he should do with it, simply respond that it will be paying for his care in later life, job done.

To me that's what DH and I strive for - and I don't really understand other viewpoints.

Is he frugal with money? People who prefer to save over spending tend to amass wealth. It might be hard habit to break.

My oldest is only 16 so it may change but I couldn't imagine sitting on £250,000 and not giving any to my DC. I put more away in the DCs savings than my own now because I want to give them a good start to adulthood.

I agree that it feels awful that the thought wouldn't occur to help their grandchildren.

My parents are doing all they can to set up my kids and my siblings kids for the future, and doing it in the most tax efficient manner that they can.

They contribute a small annual amount to the children's private pensions and they fill their ISA accounts, which will be amazing for the kids when they need it.

This was PIL to a tee. Sat on over 1m assets saying ‘but there’s nothing we need’ whilst four GC struggle through uni, driving lessons etc. Giving £30 for their 21st birthdays, nothing towards house deposits or our wedding, I mean come on! FIL died, MIL is now in care at over £1200 a week and they will absolutely be caught for IHT. They lived like paupers too, think staying in youth hostels in their 70’s instead of hotels, eating out on 241 deals only etc.
I will never understand.

It’s not your money. You have no say over what he does with the money he works all his life to save. it may be that he is somewhat bemused that after all the years of not having anything he is somewhat excited at the thought of being secure.

we have a good amount in the bank now we have reached our early 60s, it’s got to last a long time and as someone else has said, probably pay for care homes.

if you don’t like it, don’t discuss it. But it’s not your money

Everyone is so grasping of their parents money on here as if they are entitled to it, depending how old the father is and I’m guessing he’s probably only in his sixties considering the age of the grandchildren, 250k isn’t vast wealth and he might need it to care for himself in his old age. Everyone wants their parents money before they actually die, grim.

I agree, it’s grim.

Frugal doesn't begin to describe it.
Three journeys into town a day scheduled to coincide with supermarket reductions. He forages for wood to burn in his log burner so he doesn't have to use his central heating.
A lot of his ego is tied to his financial wealth so it's definitely a habit.

I get it both ways. Many will think and have said the money is his but you can’t take it with you when you’re gone. Surely he would have more enjoyment seeing his family thrive and be involved with them, or knowing he reduced stress and did all that he can. It confuses me how he doesn’t think like this. I’m you can’t change it, or really say anything but I would feel the same.

My grandad with an incredibly generous six figure pension has now barely enough money to fund the £7k a month care home that he needs. It’s an incredible care home, but he has very difficult circumstances and would struggle to be anywhere else. We are SO grateful he “hoarded” money to be able to cover this. His children and grandchildren will get anything left at the end, but if he lives another 5 or so years there won’t be anything left.

Yes his children and grandchildren have had financial struggle while he has had tens of thousands in the bank, but turns out that was money he needed to prevent his own financial struggles. How would it possibly have been right or better for him to have given it away?!

Speaking to my Dad today and he boasted he saves £2,000 / month and has well in excess of £250,000 sitting in the bank. He was lamenting not having enough places to put his money without paying tax. He also stated that in retirement he's never had it so good compared to his working life

Dad's perspective:
I don't want to depend on my local council's limited care options so I'll have to fund future care home costs myself. For this, I'm saving £2k monthly but even £250k in the bank now, won't go very far, so I'm trying to find where I can invest it without paying too much tax. I've worked hard and now want to enjoy retirement.

Looks different, doesn't @Antisocialg1t?

Well exactly - a decent care home is the thick end of £100k a year now, and I don’t want to be at the mercy of what the government deems appropriate as, I suspect, the OPs father doesn’t either. So having at least a few years of care costs readily available isn’t such a bad plan :)

My parents have almost £1m in the bank and £100k a year in defined benefit pension income.

They buy yellow-sticker reduced stuff from the supermarket (even if it’s, say, something they don’t really like, or stale bread) and only stay in premier inns or similar. I’m not expecting their money (although it would be very helpful) but I want to shout at them to at least enjoy it rather than eventually give a chunk to the taxman. Their lifestyle means they are just accumulating more and more in the bank every year.

There was a time when they did have to count the pennies and I think they’ve just never moved on! It’s totally bizarre.

This is sometimes a characteristic of people who have grown up, or spent many years, impoverished. They never quite feel secure.

If it doesn't all go on his care, you'll get it all then, never fear.

It’s absolutely normal and desirable to have a lot more money in retirement than when you are younger. That’s what funds the retirement.

When we financially plan our future - we do it based on living to a 100 - if you want some comfort in your old age and potential care home fees you do need quite a lot saved up. £250k isn't that much really and I can see that unless he is ver elderly why he is not keen to start giving it away.