AIBU to feel upset about my well-off in-laws being tight with money at Christmas?

[Gingerbreadcottage]

I’m feeling a bit sad and annoyed and just want to sanity-check whether I’m being unreasonable.

My in-laws are very comfortable financially - retired, mortgage paid off, big house, multiple holidays a year, no real financial worries. We, on the other hand, are on a low income and things are tough at the moment. They know all of this.

Back in the summer, they offered (we didn’t ask) to put £100 towards a new bike for our son. It was kind of framed as a nice gesture at the time. Then they later told us that because they’d contributed to the bike, they would only get him “something small” for his birthday, as the bike was his birthday present from them. Fine, I understood that.

Fast forward to the other day: we were at theirs and they asked what we all might like for Christmas. I said I wasn’t sure yet what our son would like, and I’d let them know. My MIL immediately said, “Oh don’t forget we bought that bike for him — that was birthday and Christmas, so we’ll just get him a book or something small.”

I just sat there feeling a bit stunned and honestly hurt. It’s not about wanting them to shower him with expensive gifts - it’s more that the £100 they offered months ago is now being used as a reason to opt out of both birthday and Christmas. Meanwhile they are extremely comfortable and spend freely on themselves in other areas.

They also very rarely help with anything practical or day-to-day with him, so it’s not like they’re involved in other ways.

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something about it feels… mean? And I hate that feeling, because I don’t want to care about money like that. But I’m struggling with the idea that their grandson is basically getting a token gift at Christmas because of something they voluntarily contributed to back in July.

AIBU to feel upset and a bit angry about this? Or am I overthinking it?

This would not sit well with me, id have to limit contact, cant stand the fact they want you or your son to blow trumpets and bow for a measly £100,

It's the fact they're moving goalposts with this bike business that's mean.

Fair enough if they only want to get him something small for Christmas but they're adding a lot of caveats to it.

It's incredibly mean.

I get that how it's come across looks mean, they should have said when you brought the bike "and this will be his presents this year off us" but if they generally buy all the kids and spend roughly the same, it sounds like miscommunication rather than being horrible to your child for the fun of it

Hard to tell.

Sounds a bit mean on the evidence provided.

However when the drip feed comes in that there are 12 other grandkids and sons/daughters to buy for then maybe a bit more understandable.

Ah, I didn’t see that before I posted. That makes more sense. Seems to me it would have been better for them to buy him Christmas and birthday presents and not bother contributing to the bike.

That's a myth. I give very generously to all my family because we are well off. Not everyone rich is tight. We are just about to give my DN a house deposit each. We believe in sharing our good fortune.

Your PIL sound mean, but different generations think differently.

Wow. Thats a bit mean

I think I wouid bave said something and oh. Didn’t reliese bike was birthday and Xmas. You didn’t say that at the time

leave a few seconds

but no worries and smile

You are being ridiculous. I suspect you know that. £100 isn't stingy.

If there are 12 grandkids, then you buy them all something small.

You don't muscle in on a special present from parent to child and then renege.

Are your parents around? Are they more generous?

You are being deliberately obtuse and you know it.

No one is saying grandparents should spend a lot.

A book <£10 is perfectly good present. That's what they should have done in the first place.

But these two are manipulative shits who have done a bait and switch on their own child. It's incredibly mean and petty.

It sounds like they’re just trying to be fair with other grandchildren. For some families this is really important?

And also lack of communication from their side in terms of £100 being for both birthday and Christmas - it’s a shame that wasn’t communicated back in the summer. Might not be any deeper than that or them being ‘mean’ as such?

Totally bizarre, I agree it seems like they are holding this above your head for some reason. It was a gift with strings attached. I don’t know why they wouldn’t want to buy something nice for your son. YANBU but not sure there’s nothing you can do about it other than not expecting or accepting anything from them.

It sounds perfectly fair to me that they should limit what they spend on any one GC, so that all the GC get the same. Less fair that they initially mentioned bday and are only now mentioning Christmas. But if the standard present per GC is about £50, this does seem reasonable to me.

This was what I wondered as well.

And breathe. Not good for the blood pressure to get so wound up.

I’d return the £100 and say thank you for the loan to get DS’s bike. But I’m a petty cow.

@Gingerbreadcottage Was it mentioned when the £100 was handed over—that this would be in lieu of birthday/Christmas? If not, they’re being dicks.

My Mum was a bit like this. She lived very frugally and gifts were small and tokens. Before she died, she told me she was terrified of having to go into a care home and had saved all of her money so that she could “go somewhere nice.” In the end she died suddenly, when she was still living at home. I wish she had told me this earlier, as it would have made more sense. So we are now spending her money on her grandchildren! Perhaps your in laws are worried about this?

The reason they're wealthy is because they're stingy! Sorry OP, not fair on the kids. Also, £100 is nothing these days, it doesn't buy much so it wasn't all that generous anyway, not sure why they're acting like it is.

Well I agree with you op. It's unpleasant They sound like grandparents who only want to do the absolute bare minimum. Fwiw my own mil is pretty wealthy by anyone's standards but will give no more than £10 in a card if you're very very lucky.

Nasty...

💯. Love it.

That's so sad, the reason I try to help out is is because I remember all too well how hard it was with a young family (more so at this time of the year).