AIBU to feel upset about my well-off in-laws being tight with money at Christmas?

[Gingerbreadcottage]

I’m feeling a bit sad and annoyed and just want to sanity-check whether I’m being unreasonable.

My in-laws are very comfortable financially - retired, mortgage paid off, big house, multiple holidays a year, no real financial worries. We, on the other hand, are on a low income and things are tough at the moment. They know all of this.

Back in the summer, they offered (we didn’t ask) to put £100 towards a new bike for our son. It was kind of framed as a nice gesture at the time. Then they later told us that because they’d contributed to the bike, they would only get him “something small” for his birthday, as the bike was his birthday present from them. Fine, I understood that.

Fast forward to the other day: we were at theirs and they asked what we all might like for Christmas. I said I wasn’t sure yet what our son would like, and I’d let them know. My MIL immediately said, “Oh don’t forget we bought that bike for him — that was birthday and Christmas, so we’ll just get him a book or something small.”

I just sat there feeling a bit stunned and honestly hurt. It’s not about wanting them to shower him with expensive gifts - it’s more that the £100 they offered months ago is now being used as a reason to opt out of both birthday and Christmas. Meanwhile they are extremely comfortable and spend freely on themselves in other areas.

They also very rarely help with anything practical or day-to-day with him, so it’s not like they’re involved in other ways.

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something about it feels… mean? And I hate that feeling, because I don’t want to care about money like that. But I’m struggling with the idea that their grandson is basically getting a token gift at Christmas because of something they voluntarily contributed to back in July.

AIBU to feel upset and a bit angry about this? Or am I overthinking it?

Yep her posts have touches of ‘oranges are not the only fruit ‘ I have a particular dislike of very unchristian ‘Christian’s ‘ - having met a few over the years

Agree

In terms of in laws at Christmas, my husbands lot (5) descended last Christmas, entertained all for 4 days, bought presents for all ( my daughter contributed too ) she had Nothing under the tree and I received a candle. Just Never again, just saying.

That could be it. Did the child write a thank you note to his grand parents? So many people never express thanks nowadays. If thanks WERE given properly, then they're just being weird and it would annoy me also.

You did have help, life was much easier for you. It was easier to live. Now it is almost impossible ! So yes you did have more help.

I don't think you should be telling individual people who lived it how easy they had it.

Isn't that the famous gaslighting that people are always banging on about on MN?

YANBU. They are mean and tight fisted!!
So sorry xx

Or....they spend £100 on each grandchild's birthday and Christmas gifts each year, realized that the money towards the bike would look like favoritism towards OPs kid and awkwardly cobbled together the birthday/Christmas excuse to keep the books balanced and avoid awkward conversations with the rest of the family.

Seems like a much more likely and reasonable explanation than everyone who's inventing character/behavioral traits and assuming the intentions of complete strangers.

I mean, who wouldn't find joy in spoiling their grandchild if they could afford it? Weird

All the well off people I've ever met are tight as arseholes.
There's a reason they're rich.

Welcome to the world of stingy grandparents.
DH’s parents spend less than your in-laws and they only have two grandchildren. DD and DS realized at some point that they’re more stingy than most of their friends’ GP’s, but that’s who they are, I suppose. I don’t really understand it tbh, I enjoy spoiling others when I can.

I can say what I like it is a forum to do so. You did have it easier, that is true. People could buy homes, save money, cheaper cost of living. You even retired earlier ! Compared to now and in the future. That is not gaslighting, that is stating a factual point. Sorry you fail to see the point.

Are your DC very materialistic?

Welcome to the world of greedy, entitled adult children and grandchildren, one might say.

@Feelingsosoblue well I’m on a Facebook page called epic retirement ( not that I remotely am at 63) and yep the ‘I’m retiring at 54 and have paid my mortgage off crowd’ are at large - usually it turns out fuelled by a nice inheritance , occasionally pension funds but usually inheritance - so you can hardly blame lots of people with an eye on it - because that’s what gave their parents a bit more freedom/cash etc later in life - I’m sorry to be cynical , but it’s like my H said to me, FIL wants us over as often as possible and to make decisions with him in mind, ( he’s lovely and 86) but he made no such concessions with his own parents or those of his wifes parents- they were abroad for work for several years at a time. ( or rather he was and she went with him) People don’t like to hear this but it’s true , couples often sit round planning what they would do with inheritances but really don’t expect their own family to be remotely the same- that’s not reality - personally I would rather people spent a fair bit making sure their later years were comfortable as part of it and paying for extra help and anything you may receive is an absolute bonus

I'll be retirement age in a few years and I do worry about potentially not having enough money to cover future care costs etc, or to pass on to my kids when I go. I never thought about it when I was younger! It it is kind of scary! If I'm lucky enough to live to a ripe old age will my pension/savings cover it all? I think a lot of us old-uns think like this

@CheeseIsMyIdol Not really. Most grandparents who are financially stable give their grandchildren nice birthday and Christmas gifts. My Dad, who loves a bargain, still enjoys picking out presents for his grandchildren. It’s the lack of thought that surprises me with my in-laws, putting $20 in a card every year is abit lame!

We’re all different, I suppose.

Oh actually this could be very relevant.

I remember my DM was always scrupulous about making sure she spent equally on all her GC.

Maybe your MIL is concerned that her other children will get the hump if they realise that your DS got £100: contribution to a bike that none of their DC got so she has to lay it off as presents.

In fact, the more I think about it the more likely it seems that, far from being mean, she just doesn't want to look like she is favouring one grandchild over the others

Have they other grandchildren and want to keep things equal?

Our mother is very tight. The kids are listening to their friends saying how kind theirs are. Yes it does sting. My kids older fair enough but I feel for sisters kids. Get nothing or get tat

I know that you are a practising Christian from your comments on other threads. Didn't Jesus preach about taking from the rich to give to the poor. He wouldn't be very happy with you and your sanctimonious hypocricy.

You would be suprised how many practising sanctimonious Christians are remarkably unchristian like when it comes to misfortune of others - US is a prime example of that

To be honest if a parent doesn’t want to spend their money and be miserly then … it’s their choice. It’s also the choice of the daughter in law or child of that parent how they respond to that behaviour.

My point is…. Life in general was easier… cost of living much cheaper, was easier to buy a home to prepare for retirement - in general …. Times are now very different. Times are now also becoming very different and difficult for pensioners …. Your savings are going to be raided.