AIBU to feel upset about my well-off in-laws being tight with money at Christmas?

[Gingerbreadcottage]

I’m feeling a bit sad and annoyed and just want to sanity-check whether I’m being unreasonable.

My in-laws are very comfortable financially - retired, mortgage paid off, big house, multiple holidays a year, no real financial worries. We, on the other hand, are on a low income and things are tough at the moment. They know all of this.

Back in the summer, they offered (we didn’t ask) to put £100 towards a new bike for our son. It was kind of framed as a nice gesture at the time. Then they later told us that because they’d contributed to the bike, they would only get him “something small” for his birthday, as the bike was his birthday present from them. Fine, I understood that.

Fast forward to the other day: we were at theirs and they asked what we all might like for Christmas. I said I wasn’t sure yet what our son would like, and I’d let them know. My MIL immediately said, “Oh don’t forget we bought that bike for him — that was birthday and Christmas, so we’ll just get him a book or something small.”

I just sat there feeling a bit stunned and honestly hurt. It’s not about wanting them to shower him with expensive gifts - it’s more that the £100 they offered months ago is now being used as a reason to opt out of both birthday and Christmas. Meanwhile they are extremely comfortable and spend freely on themselves in other areas.

They also very rarely help with anything practical or day-to-day with him, so it’s not like they’re involved in other ways.

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something about it feels… mean? And I hate that feeling, because I don’t want to care about money like that. But I’m struggling with the idea that their grandson is basically getting a token gift at Christmas because of something they voluntarily contributed to back in July.

AIBU to feel upset and a bit angry about this? Or am I overthinking it?

Hmm, I think some and some.

Obviously it's tight and quite infra dig to keep mentioning money - as if the 100 quid is a gift that keeps on giving.

OTH, however, despite the fact that you may perceive them to be well off, they may have one eye on retirement funds. I know both sets of parents in my family do have an anxiety about, for eg, care home fees and, illogically, a gifted £100 here or there might feel more indulgent than a holiday.

Also, they may feel that they've 'done' the magic and heavy lifting of Christmas and as parents, it's your responsibility to get the 'main' or more expensive presents. After all, they had their share of that as actual parents.

So yes, being magnanimous, this may explain their stance. But yeah, on the whole it sounds churlish of them. What would you have asked for for your son, out of interest?

It seems mean because it is. It's not just the amount (but £100 is nothing like what it used to be - I bet they spend £100 on a meal out without thinking twice!). It's more the uncomfortable feeling that they seem to be dwelling on the amount they spent, and fixating on it, even resenting it a bit. After all, the way you tell it they didn't originally mention anything about the bike being for both birthday and Christmas, and now they've come up with this idea. It's just mean.

Don’t say that. Just next time they offer decline with thanks

My PILs have always been tight with presents for my DC (who are their only grandchildren). Typically one book for each child, that kind of thing. DH has recently got involved in their finances (after FIL died) and we could not believe how much they had sitting in the bank!

It sounds as though they like to stick to a budget of around £50 for birthday or Christmas gifts, which I think is fair enough. If you end up with lots of grandhchildren and you've set a precedent of spending very generously on them just because you can, then what might be manageable for one or two grandkids can quickly get out of hand if you find yourself with five or six later down the line.

How much they could afford per child, per gift is not really the point.

You say you didn't ask for the contribution towards his bike, but my hunch is that this offer to pay £100 towards it didn't just come out of nowhere. What's the context? Did they hear you or your son discuss the bike he really wanted? Were they aware it would be a struggle to afford it without their help?

The only think I can see they've done wrong here is that, judging by the way you tell it, they didn't make it clear at the time that that £100 towards his bike would essentially be an early birthday AND Christmas present, therefore you should not expect anything more than a token gift when those occasions came around.

I do understand how you’re feeling but I guess it depends on how many other family members they’ve got and how much they spend on all of them.

If they have 6 grandkids then £100 each would be quite a lot of money.

I think £50 for a present is reasonable.

I think they’re likely the type of people who have no idea what things costs/doesn’t understand how the cost of living has impacted people.

I understand why you’d feel upset though.
They should have at least said this upfront.

They sound beyond awful. It's not the money that would bother me, it's the manipulation and penny pinching.

I would seriously re-assess how much effort I make with these utter twats.

Who makes the effort to visit?
What do you do for their presents?

I would dial it right back. No more hosting them. No more lifts. No elder care. Fuck then.

So entitled. The in-laws didn’t have any say in their income
and expenditure. Why does DH need a frank conversation? To make sure they give enough gifts? That would go down like a lead balloon I imagine.

They’re a pair of tight miserable bastards but they are who they are and won’t change.

Offer to pay the £100 back and explain your DS would rather the birthday / Xmas gifts like the rest of his cousins.

This I actually do believe. My parents are extremely generous, as are my in laws, but my parents are really strict about not favouring one grandchild or seeming as though they are (especially the one GDD). So, £100 for one actually means £700 out of their pockets.

My in laws are also extremely generous but blatantly favour a different child or grandchild or two depending on what my MIL sees in the shops!

I think if there are other GC that could be the issue and they want to be fair. Also, although they look financially well off, the reality can be different - big house is more in up keep and heating. When you are retired then that is it - no more potential for savings and very possibly they may be putting money aside in savings for each GC. Yes, lots of trips but potentially they are going on good deals and not taking things like drinks packages, etc, when away. I get that a book seems rather stingy - why don’t you suggest something that is £25 ish and see what the reaction is. I also think it is really easy just to forget or lose sight of what children like/need and when. I think I’d have a fair idea of a 7year old wishes based on my sons but it could be way out as it was 13 years ago and lost in the mists of time. I think it will be the ‘being fair’ to all thing - if there are lots of gc thenfair enough. Perhaps to them £50 for a birthday and another £50 for Christmas is quite a lot times that by the mount of gc then see if your perspective changes. I don’t think it worth getting huffy about it in front of them. Perhaps they are saving for when they are incapacitated so won’t be so much of a burden.

Did he thank them for the bike? I always ensure my kids send a note or say thank you in person, it is a big thing in my family to ensure you’ve shown thanks for gifts. I’ve known people get smaller presents when enough thanks has not been shown

How is it fair to lie and deceive? They are scum who want to look generous but are anything but.

They didn't buy the bike.

They may just be tight/thrifty/mean but i did have one hought...

What do your parents do financially for DS?
Are they rich/poor?

Is there any kind of "we don't want to create a competition her parents have to keep up with"

Also what's DH pov? Is he interacting with his parents on this stuff?

I think you could have worked out the poster meant did they say thank you for the £100 towards bike

I think you could work out that getting a child to say thank you for a bike to his grand parents would be unfair to the parents.

And that is why they have less money.

People will come and tell you how grabby and unreasonable you are and how you are not entitled to your in laws' money but I think they are stingy and mean. Several reminders about how they contributed to the bike, good lord. That's not nice at all. You have every right to be upset. I can't fathom being so stingy with my kids and their kids.

And this is the attitude that prevents some people from being generous.

Agreed. It's revolting behaviour. It would have been better if they had just waited for his birthday and given a book, instead of pretending to the world they bought a bike.

That does sound mean. Have they got other grandchildren? Maybe they're trying to even things up? (I'm trying to be charitable but it does sound like they are thinking of excuses to minimise what they have to spend at Christmas.)

I don't think stingy people should blame their stinginess on others.

They should own it and buy a book, instead of misleading people.

100% they will tell people they bought their grandson a bike.

Incredibly mean. I would get them a very cheap token gift and spend the money on your son instead.