AIBU to feel upset about my well-off in-laws being tight with money at Christmas?

[Gingerbreadcottage]

I’m feeling a bit sad and annoyed and just want to sanity-check whether I’m being unreasonable.

My in-laws are very comfortable financially - retired, mortgage paid off, big house, multiple holidays a year, no real financial worries. We, on the other hand, are on a low income and things are tough at the moment. They know all of this.

Back in the summer, they offered (we didn’t ask) to put £100 towards a new bike for our son. It was kind of framed as a nice gesture at the time. Then they later told us that because they’d contributed to the bike, they would only get him “something small” for his birthday, as the bike was his birthday present from them. Fine, I understood that.

Fast forward to the other day: we were at theirs and they asked what we all might like for Christmas. I said I wasn’t sure yet what our son would like, and I’d let them know. My MIL immediately said, “Oh don’t forget we bought that bike for him — that was birthday and Christmas, so we’ll just get him a book or something small.”

I just sat there feeling a bit stunned and honestly hurt. It’s not about wanting them to shower him with expensive gifts - it’s more that the £100 they offered months ago is now being used as a reason to opt out of both birthday and Christmas. Meanwhile they are extremely comfortable and spend freely on themselves in other areas.

They also very rarely help with anything practical or day-to-day with him, so it’s not like they’re involved in other ways.

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something about it feels… mean? And I hate that feeling, because I don’t want to care about money like that. But I’m struggling with the idea that their grandson is basically getting a token gift at Christmas because of something they voluntarily contributed to back in July.

AIBU to feel upset and a bit angry about this? Or am I overthinking it?

Yes, it’s mean. I’m very grateful that we have money to spend in such a way that we don’t need to count the pennies and keep a tally on gifts. There is so much joy in seeing a child receive something they love and appreciate. It doesn’t have to mean a big ole pile of gifts. But the joy is in the giving and the gratitude at receiving. I cannot imagine not wanting to experience that joy and see my grandchildren experience it. It’s the whole point.

That said, are they the sort who get a lot of self-worth and self-importance from making people feel in debt to them? I have a family member who is well off and makes a big show of big gifts and giving money. But then is very passive aggressive when they don’t receive sufficient praise and adulation. Big gestures but then little snide comments and talking behind everyone’s back if it didn’t win them over the top gratitude in return. If you just said thank you, but didn’t stroke their egos enough, are they the sort to punish you for it now?

How old is your son? 6/7 I agree a bit mean but teenager he is old enough to understand that he has had an expensive bike

Are you suggesting they shouldn’t be spending their own money on… themselves?

Good points, @SuperTroy .
OP, you have no idea about their financial planning.

This could be the issue to be fair, and if your DH thinks it is, he knows your parents better than most, although it does come off as mean, I'm surprised they can say it without any feelings of guilt etc. You could always remind them that they said it was a birthday gift and didn't mention Christmas.

BUT, why are you buying your 7 year old a NEW bike at £100 + (seeing as they 'put towards it'), if you are on a low income and can't afford it? The two things don't really paint the same picture, so maybe they genuinely don't realise how much you are struggling?

The fact they keep mentioning the £100 shows that deep down they resent it.

I’d just say not to worry about buying him a gift. I couldn’t be bothered with all the games. My parents give my children £100 each for Christmas and the same for birthday, but they haven never been grandparents to look after them and spend on them throughout the year.

I agree. However the apparent strings attached and poor communication is difficult for the OP and incomprehensible for a child.

They changed to goal posts and communicated poorly their intentions to you (sounds like they weren’t fully formed at the time). I would imagine having multiple grandchildren to keep things fair across is part of it, but yes they could’ve done that in a more generous way.

If that was me (I am grandparent age now as young adult DC) I would have viewed the £100 as more of an ad hoc gift to you and your husband than the child. People do view things very differently though. My in-laws were very formulaic with gifts and this is the kind of thing they might have done, I don’t think it was meanness though - just rigid thinking style.

I think that it’s a case of shifting boundaries. That at first it wasn’t explicitly said that money for the bike was going to birthday … which then happened, and then adding in Christmas too with no prior discussion.

Not sure there is anything you can do for this situation, but moving forward I’d get them to clarify exactly what they are covering if they offer to put money to larger items so there isn’t the opportunity for moving goal posts as has happened here. Preferably get it put in writing so they can’t then go back on what was said.

They are mean. YANBU.

This is a technicality, but I don't think Scrooge was into spending on himself either.

This is something different.

Not at all. And we of course we do give them presents too. In my case. I am suggesting that for the thought to count there has to be thought of the receiver there, not just thought about what the giver wants to give. Children grow up very fast and a present they won’t use and don’t like is one step away from being regifted.
My own parents have more grandchildren than my in laws do and they always try to encourage their gc’s passions and hobbies or likes with the presents they give.

I would simply say “Please don’t feel you have to get him anything”.

I'm sure that you're encouraging your children to be appreciative of all gifts, though? Someone has made an effort; now you may consider the effort to be less than adequate, but nonetheless, they are showing some kindness and generosity.

Buy a £50 gift and put it under the tree from Granny. Sit back and watch the awkwardness when DS enthusiastically thanks Granny, and it throws her whole equalising penny counting for the grandkids into a tailspin.

Give them their £100 back saying if you’d known they were struggling you’d never have taken it.

It's almost certainly this. If they normally spend say £50 on a gift for a grandchild, they maybe think it's unfair on the others that they spent £100 on your son.
I think it's mean though and they should be buying him more than a token gift.

Haha you’re probably right even still, it’s mind blowing. I don’t expect £100 gifts. But I’d hope she’d put a bit more..effort? I dunno.

That’s not what she’s saying really is it though.

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Love this 😄

I’d go against the grain here slightly - new bike/£100 is generous. I know millionaires who often give their adult DC cheap hampers of supermarket cheese and beers for their birthday - some people just don’t do showering with fancy gifts. It’s also generational - £100 to them is a lot, even if they’re well off. When I told DH’s DGM that we used to spend £1200 a month on nursery she nearly died of shock.

As you say, if there are other DGC they’re probably trying to be fair. A “token gift” could be a jumper, jigsaw puzzle or book your DC really wants. Those are still decent presents!

They’re not obliged to give out lots of expensive stuff; they may be being sensible and saving for care home costs.

My DPs would offer to help us out with big purchases eg white goods if we were struggling, but they don’t go OTT with presents for DS at birthdays and Christmas because as a modern day child they see he (luckily for him) has tonnes of toys and books already.

That sounds just like my former in-laws, except that I think they have only ever given DD two gifts ever in her life. They just “don’t do” presents. They do of course spend at least sixty thousand pounds a year on their own holidays, and like receiving gifts. DD (aged 11) has bought them gifts out of her own pocket money for Christmas, after saving for ages, and I’ve just realised it means she has spent more on them than they ever have on her. Which kind of blows my mind. She thinks she receives presents from them because I buy and wrap presents and mark them as for her from her grandparents, because all of her friends are spoiled by grandparents, and I didn’t want her to know how little they care. She visits them once a year with my ex and that’s it.

which is to say - yes your in laws are being mean! Many of that generation are (not all), and the richer they are the tighter they are!

I'd give them their £100 back and a list of expensive stuff your ds would like.