AIBU to feel upset about my well-off in-laws being tight with money at Christmas?

[Gingerbreadcottage]

I’m feeling a bit sad and annoyed and just want to sanity-check whether I’m being unreasonable.

My in-laws are very comfortable financially - retired, mortgage paid off, big house, multiple holidays a year, no real financial worries. We, on the other hand, are on a low income and things are tough at the moment. They know all of this.

Back in the summer, they offered (we didn’t ask) to put £100 towards a new bike for our son. It was kind of framed as a nice gesture at the time. Then they later told us that because they’d contributed to the bike, they would only get him “something small” for his birthday, as the bike was his birthday present from them. Fine, I understood that.

Fast forward to the other day: we were at theirs and they asked what we all might like for Christmas. I said I wasn’t sure yet what our son would like, and I’d let them know. My MIL immediately said, “Oh don’t forget we bought that bike for him — that was birthday and Christmas, so we’ll just get him a book or something small.”

I just sat there feeling a bit stunned and honestly hurt. It’s not about wanting them to shower him with expensive gifts - it’s more that the £100 they offered months ago is now being used as a reason to opt out of both birthday and Christmas. Meanwhile they are extremely comfortable and spend freely on themselves in other areas.

They also very rarely help with anything practical or day-to-day with him, so it’s not like they’re involved in other ways.

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something about it feels… mean? And I hate that feeling, because I don’t want to care about money like that. But I’m struggling with the idea that their grandson is basically getting a token gift at Christmas because of something they voluntarily contributed to back in July.

AIBU to feel upset and a bit angry about this? Or am I overthinking it?

You’ll be told you are being unreasonable but it is mean to be kept being up like this. Feels like there are strings attached. Do they expect presents in return?

Could you say things are tight and he needs for example runners. Maybe she thought when you said you think about it he did not need anything.

Do you get them anything for Birthdays and Christmas? If so, cut that out. I think I'd rather the child got nothing than a doled out divided cost wise gift like that.

They will never change, it's their way and it wouldn't sit right with me either. But there's nowt quare as folk.

Tell them that money was clearly offered with strings attached and ongoing resentment, so you'd rather no offer of help going forward. I can't stand people like this. It's not about their financial position, it's their hard feelings and resentment towards their "generosity".

It does sound quite self-righteous. I think I’d have said something like ‘Oh, no need to get him a token present if things are tight at the moment’!’ and Sen how it landed.

My PILs have never really bought DS presents at all, come to think of it. They just wouldn’t really think of it. MIL is too unimaginative. What she likes, DH says as a result of a very poor childhood, and she and FIL being too poor for Christmas tree decorations when he was a child, is endless plastic decorative shite — she’s always giving DS horrible plastic shrieking witch or singing skull Halloween decorations, or those nasty nutcracker soldier ornaments.

Did you properly say thank you for the 100£ / other gifts they made in the past? Maybe it could be about that?

I agree that it feels mean, not necessarily the amount but the fact that they sound like buying a present for a GC is a chore they’d rather avoid.

Don't accept any gesture etc going forward...thanks but no thanks! Learn from what has happened and leave it at that. Tell them not to buy anything in future and open a bank account for him if they want to do anything at all.

I think they’re meanies but are unlikely to change.

It feels mean because it is mean. They sound self centred and selfish.

They are tight and unpleasant, you can't change them and you won't.

Of course it's weird that grand-parents don't want to spoil their grand-child a bit, and a bit of cash towards a bike is not much in term of effort.

Just accept it, do your own Christmas, and stay bright and light about their Christmas "gift". On the plus side, if they really can't be bothered with their family, it means you don't have to see them at Christmas, win win.

It's not about the money, it's the attitude.

I think they are being very mean, and can’t really understand why they wouldn’t want to get something nice for their GS at Christmas.
I love buying presents for the children in the family- I dint have GC myself but a couple of great- nieces, and it is a pleasure to buying something for them.
Wouldvthey do something else, like take him out somewhere?

Of course it's mean. But they won't change. Cut down on what you get them.

For grandparents that have reasonable disposable income it’s incredibly tight fisted. I guess it works out at around £50 an occasion but it’s the way it’s been handled that seems a bit off. How old is he? Are there other grandchildren? Is he likely to notice and feel left out?

I don’t think they should have got themselves to a place of financial security and comfort to then bail out others. However, I agree it seems mean to keep on saying the bike was an extra gift, then birthday and now Christmas. Equally I (ungratefully I know) often get annoyed with the unwanted tat my children sometimes get given and would be delighted to have a minimal gift Christmas.

Perhaps get your son something extra from you to manage expectations. After all, you don’t need to spend as much on your in-laws this year as you got them a birthday present that was also for Christmas wasn’t it….

They do sound like skinflints

The more some people have the less they want to spend.

Yes that’s tight. I’ve often found that retirees who are well off think the younger generation need to go through the pain like they did when they were young parents and struggling. They’ll say nobody helped them, either. That, couple with knowing there’s no further income for them, just spending from now on, means they budget and stress, often needlessly. I don’t understand it. What’s the point of money if not this, once your future is secure?

I would have said/ would say
In laws, you offered the £100.
How many birthdays and Christmases need to pass before you’re prepared to spend on your dgc again because imo you are being pretty mean.

God this kind of tight-arsedness drives me batshit. What kind of grandparents don’t want to spoil their grandkids at Christmas when they have the means to do so!!! My MIL can be a bit tight with money, but mostly on herself… she’s always extremely generous to her grandchildren, and her generosity is very gratefully received. All she expects in return is a thank you card which we are more than happy to provide.

It doesn’t FEEL mean, it IS mean. This is not on you.

your DH needs to have a franker conversation about how much tougher it is to afford life now, their generation (MY generation) had it much easier and they are considerably better off than you now. Which is all that matters.

Yep that does seem to be the attitude amongst ‘some’ - my FIL on the other hand at 86 is incredibly generous and helps our son in London (27) all the time to get by . We have to stop him offering

He’s 7 and he’s there are other GC which is what my DH thinks is the issue. That they make a note of what they’ve spent on each one so as not to look like they’re favouring any of them particularly and to make it fair for all. But I’m not sure about that.

I have noticed those people I know with less money are much more generous with their funds.

We’re comfortably off retirees.
And nobody did help us. They didn’t have the money.

I don’t want my dc to struggle. We’ve helped both with weddings, houses, renovations etc.
And they all get a budget of £70 for Christmas to choose a gift and we spend another £30 on extras.

YANBU. With the circumstances you’ve described I think it does sound mean. He’s a child and they offered to contribute to the bike. If I was them I’d buy him a Christmas and Birthday present and not keep mentioning the bike, as it takes the shine off what they did in the first place.