To be put off bloke over gravy-gate?

[KierBeTripping]

Been seeing someone a while. Today we went out for a Sunday roast - the waitress brought across a jug of gravy and a dish of vegetables for the table as another waitress approached with our meals. He then reaches for the gravy jug and pours the entire lot on his dinner. I was a bit gobsmacked! I said “didn’t fancy sharing then??” And he acted all shocked before laughing and saying “sorry, I didn’t think” how on earth would you not consider that the other person might want some gravy too??

So I said I’ll have to ask for more gravy so he said “don’t do that, it’s embarrassing” so I said “I’m not eating a dry roast! I want gravy” so he gets a spoon and says he’ll put some of “his” on my plate.

This isn’t the first time he’s showed greed/selfishness over food - a few weeks ago we went to an event and he said he was going off to find the toilets - he then returns with a tray of cheesy chips saying how lovely they were! I said “if I’d known you were getting food I’d have come with you and got myself something” - who does that??

Gravy-Gate has really annoyed me though and tbh it’s put me off! It’s not “the gravy” it’s the principle and thoughtlessness of it.

AIBU

The biggest ick
Trust me, if you stay with Davy loves Gravy you will end up hating him and yourself.
Get him in the bin

I was going to say YABU but to tell you not to get more is just bizarre. It's not embarrassing anyway.

It's worrying that you think this.

I’d always offer the gravy to the other person or people at the table before helping myself. The fact he didn’t even think about you is very telling. I’d dump someone for that.

Exactly. Whether dating, family, friends, business lunch, whatever - one never just picks up condiments or a dish and helps oneself. Who raises these people???

@FailMeOnce Why do you think men should only be polite and considerate towards people who might sleep with them?

I think you've gotten the wrong end of the stick. Sharing a bed is irrelevant. I'm saying that people with different experiences live differently, so something that may seem obvious to you may not be as obvious to someone else.

Unless said single men are total hermits, they interact with people regularly and have no excuse for being inconsiderate and selfish.

Men generally don't interact with many other people. Most men above the age of 30 don't have any friends, so your statement that men "interact with people regularly" is not really correct.

You could have waited until January! I'd love to know what he'd have got you for Christmas - a bag of crisps? A t-shirt from a charity shop (wrong size)? Some car air-freshener?

He couldn't afford two portions of cheesy chips?! That's a red flag in itself

It doesn’t change once these men are in a relationship though. Mumsnet is heaving with threads by women whose husbands/partners help themselves to the best bit of the roast before everyone else has even sat down, who eat their wives’ Christmas present chocolate, eat their own muffin and then polish off their partner’s even though they don’t actually really like that flavour, who go through the cupboards and polish off a whole week’s worth of the kids’ snacks.

They aren’t selfish greedy pigs because they are single for a while, they are single because they are selfish greedy pigs, and that doesn’t change if they manage to find a partner.

At first, I thought maybe he just wasn't paying attention and was used to getting one gravy jug per person (our local does that). That would be fine, maybe a bit weird if he thought a vat of gravy per person was normal, but fine if he immediately apologised, and got more for you. My gran never took gravy, so if my grandad had been dating after her, he could have done something like this quite innocently, but as you say this man usually selfish like this, I'd just say to his face that it's not ok to behave like this.
Maybe he'll think about it, and actually change to be a better person. Or maybe he won't, but either way, it's not your problem.

Embarrassing to ask for more gravy?! What a weirdo. I'd have dumped him on the spot.

There's only three possible explanations behind this and none of them good:

1. He's just mega selfish and only thinks of himself always (although if it were this, I doubt he would actually object to you asking for more gravy)

1. He's massively greedy but doesn't want that widely known (hence the not asking for more gravy which would expose his own greed)

1. He's controlling - bonus points if he's one of them men who thinks women should eat like sparrows and is actively trying to stop you from eating (hence no gravy and removing your choice to get food with him at events)

Put this one back

That’s a regular male incel poster btw.

Absolutely get rid.

the worst bit was denying you gravy after he pigged the lot because it would be embarrassing to ask for more. What a selfish arse.

was it one of those piddly little tiny jugs or a huge one.

if it was the former I could half forgive him.

Good for you. If this is what he is like at the start of a relationship, can you imagine what he would be like when it’s much more settled

If he asks why then don’t be shy about being honest and saying that he may not realise it but he comes across as selfish and that’s not a character trait you like in a partner

The only thing I disagree on is the popcorn. By the time you sit through 20 mins of adverts and trailers both DP and I have usually finished our cinema snacks (although not popcorn as it’s rank) 😂

Definitely throw this one back. If he’s inconsiderate and selfish, hasn’t got his life sorted enough to buy his partner a small snack then he shouldn’t be dating. You deserve so much better!

Good for you OP! Red flags popping up all over the place. Although you missed a trick not asking him to just swap roasts so he had the dry one! I’ll never understand why some women put up with this shit.

I do love when they are not skilled enough to hide their true colours till you are married!

Makes it a lot easier to chuck them in the bin with little time wasted.

I would of asked for some gravy , then poured it over his head.

Even being very charitable that someone is so oblivious to normal expectations that they don’t realise that hogging all the gravy is not the done thing….when your error is pointed out, you fall over yourself to correct it, not claim it is “too embarrassing” to do so.

My DH is wonderful, an absolute gentleman. I am sick of hearing about men who don’t ask their other half through the door first, carry the shopping bags, see where she wants to sit first etc etc, it’s the absolute height of bad manners. Who the hell briught him up?!

So glad you've ditched him. If he's this bad at his best in the early dating stage when he's trying to impress, fuck knows what he'd be like in six months time.

@shuggles

but the thing to be mindful of here is that men are far less likely to be in relationships than women, and will spend years, or decades, being single.

So who are the women dating?

My own comment has got me thinking. Are these men not shown chivalry, manners etc by their own parents? Is that what’s wrong?

Selfish, thoughtless and greedy. All unpleasant traits. You say you have been seeing him for a while, is that weeks or months? If he is like this now imagine what he would be like a couple of years dowm the line =

You gave him 3 chances +
2 chances too many !