To not particularly want Dd’s friend to help decorate the tree

[Decemberisthemostexpensivemonth]

Dd is 7 and has a friend from school as a neighbour. They often play together, which is nice, but it can be a bit overwhelming with her sometimes calling Dd at 7.30 in the morning to play and spending most weekends at our house
We’re getting our Christmas tree next weekend, it’s tradition we go as a family-Dh, dd & me, choose the tree, buy some extra lights & decorations, go to an xmas market nearby. We then come home, stick the xmas music on, decorate the tree and finish with hot choc and marshmallows in our pjs watching xmas films. It just signals the start of Christmas and we’ve done it since Dd was very small
Dd was telling her friend and her friend asked if she could come and also do the tree, Dd told her yes then told me. I said to Dd she can’t really come as it’s a special family thing we do, but she can play with her the next day. Dd told her she couldn’t come but her friend said to me she’d asked her mum and can do the tree decorating part 🙄
Dh seems to think it’s not a big deal, but I just want it to be us, am I being too precious? Dd is an only so I make sure she’s always playing with friends etc and she sees this girl and others a lot.

Aibu to want just one day just for us as family?

I think as a one off, it might be nice for dds friend to join in on lovely Christmas things. With the early calls, it gives the impression her family aren’t that involved and that’s a bit sad.

you’re not unreasonable to want to do family things, so it’s entirely up to you.

No, stick to your guns. Don’t let the friend dictate what’s going on. If she mentions a it, just repeat that it’s not convenient for her to come round on that day. You’re not obliged to facilitate her demands (and good lesson to dd also that friend doesn’t decide what goes on).

if she’s adamant, maybe get a small cheap artificial tree dd can have in her bedroom and some new decorations they can decorate the next day.

That's totally fine, the 7 year old friend has misunderstood and isn't meaning to be cheeky by saying her mum said she could. I really wouldn't stress this - it's a planned special family time, she can see her friend the next day, discussion over. No need to worry.

I would purchase some Christmas crafts or baking activities for the friend to come and do with your DD so they can still enjoy festive activities but decorate the tree with just your family.

I'm sure there are craft kits where they decorate a bauble- they could both make their own and hang them on the tree but then the friend can take hers home when she leaves to put on her own tree?

I don’t think you’re being mean, I understand the family vibe. However is your DD’s friend okay? Will she get to decorate her own tree at home?

Absolutely not. If nothing else it shows this girl that she can’t ride roughshod over other people’s plans. She’s been told ‘no’ and doesn’t need anymore discussion. It’s really not a problem to say you’re spending the day as a family and they can play next day.

Hmmm I can see your point but you have to acknowledge that your dd is getting older, has independent thoughts and just wants her wee pal to join in. Goin forward she’s going to want to do more stuff with her friends rather than just mum and dad. It’s a hard lesson that although dc are the centre of YOUR world, you’re not the centre of theirs.

Give it a go, you might find you get pleasure out of seeing them interact. Family traditions are great but they need to evolve, not set in aspic.

I'd probably buy a small tabletop tree and mini decs and invite friend over the next day and let the girls do that together.

That way you get your own Xmas, dd gets a special playdate with her friend AND you buy yourself hours peace and quiet 😉 possibly two if you get a reciprocal playdate 😆

No you’re not being mean or unreasonable. It’s perfectly fine to want to do this together just as a family thing. I’d feel exactly the same. Like others have said, they can do a Xmas activity together.

Not at all

Contact the mum and tell her you are busy and to not let her child come round.

If she comes round anyway, its ok to not let her in.

Tell your daughter that some things are family time. Maybe suggest something they can do together another time

I think she’s ok, it’s her grandmothers house, but she stays there a lot, most weekends and a couple of nights during the week. She just doesn’t seem to be that well supervised as calling to play at 7.30 in the morning is crazy to me, even though we’re all up, it’s far too early and I say after 10 is ok. It does encroach on time for us just relaxing as a family as she’s always there

I’m fine with so many other things, but this one I think should be for just us

Yes, that’s a good idea, we do lots of craft and baking for Christmas, I usually invite her and a couple other friends to join in

This is a nice idea. Or purchase a small table tree, if funds allow, for them to decorate. But you aren't obliged to

I am guessing the grandmother is looking after her because her mum is at work, but can't really cope with looking after her. This does sound quite sad and explains why she is wanting to come round yours so early as I assume she doesn't get to do much else.
Do you know whether the grandmother usually decorates? If not would you be able to donate a small tree for her to do when there so she then doesn't have to be involved with your family day? (Aware this might be overstepping though).

Yanbu. Stick to what you've said, that it's a family day and DD and her friend can play the day after. I'd also tell DD that whilst you have no problem with her friends coming over to play when she's free, she needs to ask you before inviting or agreeing to her friend to join in with plans. Your DD and her friend probably just didn't think about it like that, they're 7 but that's why boundaries need to be set with it.

I will buy a smaller tree too and invite her to do it the next day and maybe do some gingerbread men

That's not how I see it at all.

Dd told her friend about something fun.
Friend asked to join in and DD said yes.
Both went home and told their parents.

OP isnt keen (which is fine) and told DD to rescind offer.
Meanwhile the other little girl had told her mum about the invitation (and he mum probably thought it wasn't quite right hut wasn't sure) and tried to balance it by reducing it to just the tree to not overstep.

Both girls met up again and, at age 7, relayed what they had both been told and now its a bit muddled.

I don't think there's any malice, it just needs straightening out. It sounds like the other mum thinks the girls have hatched a big plan that overstep normal family stuff and has tried to walk it back but just hasn't spoken with OP. She would probably be relieved to hear its just crossed wires.

Agree with others, veto this but plan an extra craft/baking day with the friend. Explain to DD that this is family time.

I would be firm and say you do it as a family. It's OK to do things as a family and not have someone forcing their way into everything

Grandma is a young grandma though-59/60, so i’m not sure

This sounds OK, as you say. But not great.

is your DD an only child? Maybe she’d really enjoy having another child for the event.

It’s totally fine to do things as a family but it isn’t what Christmas should be about IMO.

I realise others won’t agree.

This.
It's up to you, not DD, not her friend, or her friend's mum.

I was also going to suggest the smaller tree. Get them some Christmas crafts to do (making decorations for the tree) and some baking etc. Doesn't have to be expensive.