To not particularly want Dd’s friend to help decorate the tree

[Decemberisthemostexpensivemonth]

Dd is 7 and has a friend from school as a neighbour. They often play together, which is nice, but it can be a bit overwhelming with her sometimes calling Dd at 7.30 in the morning to play and spending most weekends at our house
We’re getting our Christmas tree next weekend, it’s tradition we go as a family-Dh, dd & me, choose the tree, buy some extra lights & decorations, go to an xmas market nearby. We then come home, stick the xmas music on, decorate the tree and finish with hot choc and marshmallows in our pjs watching xmas films. It just signals the start of Christmas and we’ve done it since Dd was very small
Dd was telling her friend and her friend asked if she could come and also do the tree, Dd told her yes then told me. I said to Dd she can’t really come as it’s a special family thing we do, but she can play with her the next day. Dd told her she couldn’t come but her friend said to me she’d asked her mum and can do the tree decorating part 🙄
Dh seems to think it’s not a big deal, but I just want it to be us, am I being too precious? Dd is an only so I make sure she’s always playing with friends etc and she sees this girl and others a lot.

Aibu to want just one day just for us as family?

I don't think other opinions about how to spend family time aren't really relevant. OP doesn't want her there, so IMO she should parent and say no. Including this girl in other festive activities is very kind of her as is childminding her for two days a week. Personally I would not be happy with having someone else's child foisted on me every weekend - especially from 10am.

When I was little decorating the Christmas tree was something I did with my Dad and then later I did with my DC. I treasure those memories.

“her friend said to me she’d asked her mum and can do the tree decorating part”

And you’re going to let a seven year old set the agenda? I might be going round to see the DGM and telling her you love your DD having her as a friend, but 7.30 am to call round is just too early, and that the tree decorating is something you do as a family - DFriend can join for other Christmas activities, but not the tree. As for friend phoning you, turn your phone off until you are ready to get up, and don’t answer the door. Tell your DD no callers before (insert time that suits you). You can’t be dictated to be a seven year old - heaven help you when they’re teenagers!!

Has your daughter invited her because she doesn't think the proposed activities sound fun alone? It all sounds very prescibed and intense to me and I certainly wouldn't have enjoyed it as the only child when I was 7. I think you may to be more flexible going forward.

Yes, that's the logical conclusion.

yes that's correct. If the OP, this one time, lets her daughter include a friend in a nice day, it will henceforth be the law that this friend must be invited to all Christmases, birthdays, holidays and funerals. That's how it works.

7 year olds don’t get to dictate. Just say no.

Haven't read the full thread sorry but this would be a hard no from me, your daughter's only 7!

I’m struggling to vote. On the one had she’s a 7yo child and both girls are excited to do this together. Your an adult.

on the other hand I’m very previous about my tree and don’t even let my own DDs help me, which is why they have their own small trees they can do what they want with and we also have a selection of smaller trees that I take turns each year that goes in the dining room. Themes change but the DDs get to do which ever one we decide on if they want.

It’s fine, you’ve said no, your daughter told the other child no, but the other child doesn’t like “no”. Don’t leave it to your daughter. Just text the gran, and tell her you’ll have her round another time. No big deal.

Absolutely not unreasonable. I would move house, sounds a bit much. I like home to be home, unwanted guests are much more than a nuisance to me, I find it really intrusive

Well clearly OP isn't happy at the way things are working out up to now and is finding her 'overwhelming'. So it sounds as though it's already happening

My kids are in their 20s now. There have been some things we've done many years, some most years, some once or twice. Christmas eves, for example, where we went to carols, but the odd one we didn't when it was torrential rain, or lockdown, or whatever. Christmas Eves where a friend came over, once or twice. Years when both kids did baking with me, where one did, or where neither did.

At the end of it all, you remember all the times you did the thing, and that you did it for many years, and they're good memories. Even though they might have been a little bit different some years, you have those memories overall of all the many times you did whatever the thing is. But I do think if every time, no matter what, I'd been like NO! WE DO CAROLS! for example, when something else was suggested, the traditions would have ended much more quickly. FWIW.

you can do both, take friends on holidays, have sleepovers and friends around all the time, but have a day for your when you don't have to entertain another child, do your own thing with your kid and put pjs when you feel like it.

The more time you spend organising / inviting/ entertaining your children's friends, the more important the ONE or 2 days a year you have privately.

Let the friend help decorate the November tree, and get another tree in mid December when it's actually Christmas time..?

@Decemberisthemostexpensivemonth Contact the Granny, tell her Petunia is not invited and will be returned back home by you or your DP/DH if she turns up.
Explain to your daughter that this is one special Christmas thing which you do as a family and Petunia has her own family to do things with.
Harsh? maybe🤷‍♀️, but you don't want this kid invading your space/day.
It's time to put your foot down.

I do. Where we live we have a kid dumped on the lazy nan by the lazy father. No one can be bothered looking after him so he’s in everyone’s face. I’m probably biased by this but it’s not your job to entertain the girl.

We're in a similar position. A neighbour's grand daughter (now aged 7) spends most weekends at their house & is constantly knocking on our door asking to play with our dog & wanting to play in our garden as we have a construction with a swing, climbing frame etc for our grandchildren to play on when they visit. But it does get wearing as I feel that I have to supervise her while she's on our property in case she has an accident & hurts herself, she also asks for drinks & snacks & I've started pretending that we've run out of anything suitable for a child to have & sending her back to her grandparents as it's not our job to feed & water her. Our neighbours are in their late 80's & can't really cope with a lively child & we feel sorry for her as she's obviously bored & lonely. Even if we kindly say that it's not convenient right now & suggest that she calls back at a specified time later in the day, she will turn up 30 minutes later.

I think you’re being a bit much. Christmas is mainly for the children and your child wanted her friend there, there’s nothing wrong with that plus you don’t know what this kid’s home life is like, maybe spending it with you decorating will be a day to remember for her.

Between this and the other ones who didn’t want their mother to invite a friend… I despair. Isn’t Christmas supposed to be about community?

I wouldn't see a problem with her including a special friend.

This is a really good solution.

If funds are okay and if the other kid doesn’t have many decorations at home can you get two mini trees and mini decorations, so they can decorate them together and each have them in their room. I saw some in the supermarket growing like pot plants and they were well under a fiver. Mini decorations were a euro a packet. They could make paper snowflakes too. Stick the tree pot in a freezer bag and then cover it with wrapping paper.

I don't know what is the matter with people these days. Her parent/s sound like they are simply unfit to be parents. They can't look after their own child and they are actively teaching her to go and insert herself into other people's family activities. Really fucking weird and I wouldn't be tolerating it. Christmas being about "community" is just a licence for cheeky, lazy people to palm their kids off.

If the home life of this child is shit, social services need to be notified. OP isn't a charity, nor is she social services. Very easy for people on here to be generous with OP's family time - if you're one of those, perhaps PM the OP your address and ask her to pass your details on to the CF so that this child can come and spend a christmassy weekend doing your family's activities?

Is it a special friend though? Do they go to school together or is it just a convenient arrangement for the grandmother that every weekend she gets to send the grandchild off to play and doesn't have to entertain her herself.

I also agree with the posters who have said does she genuinely always want the friend over anyway? Girls can be very bossy and I would wonder if the other child doesn't dominate in coming to play and asking to join in with things.

Is it ever reciprocated and your daughter goes round their house to play?

I wonder whether the mum would be happy to know her child is around the neighbours house when she is assuming her mum is caring for her.

It's not a special friend. It's the child of a CF who farms out their parenting to the OP.

Your the adult here
You say no
Your not childcare for this child ,but the mum is treating you line you are
I bet it's not equal the time the girls spend in each others houses
This girl has her own family she can decorate the tree with
Time to start saying no when she comes over

What a lovely thing it would be to share this with your daughter's friend, just for the tree decoration.

Dd was telling her friend and her friend asked if she could come and also do the tree, Dd told her yes then told me.

You're the parent, you tell the children no. Your daughter needs to ask before inviting someone round, so tell her that. This is such a non issue.