Hurt by DH's reasons I can’t come on group holiday

[fayesfair]

Hi everyone. I’m currently pregnant with DH and Is first child, due at the end of December. DH and most of his uni friends turn 30 next year, so they have planned 2 group holidays.
1 in February to go Skiing, obviously I won’t go on this one as baby will be tiny and I actually can’t stand skiing. One in July, where they will spend some days at a sports campus type place playing tennis/padel, swimming etc, one day they have hired a boat to go out and have a boat day, ocean swim, another day they plan to go a water park or something, then probably last day back at the sports campus.
2 of the partners of the 8 men are invited, 1 makes sense she went to uni with them is very much part of the group, the other is relatively new.

I asked DH if I could join for a day or 2, baby will be about 7 months and my parents have already offered to have him for a night or 2. He has said no. I asked why and he said “it will be quite a sporty and competitive trip, the other girls are really sporty, but you wouldn’t enjoy all the sports and will probably complain it’s boring the whole time”.
Now I’m hardly Serena Williams but I don’t think I’m awful at sports and while I do think the water park and maybe go karting which is also on their list isn’t up my street, I’d just come for one of the sports days and the boat day.

AIBU to be hurt by his reasons?

Sorry I meant DHs in the title

I'm astonished he's taking two holidays without you when you have a newborn tbh

This. Did he ask if you’d be ok with this or did he just tell you it was happening?

I went away last year for my 30th with friends so it felt fair that he also got to do the same. It’s not like a newborn is going to know whether he is there or not and my parents will come and stay with me. I don’t mind him going I’m just hurt by the reasons I’m not invited.

Are you ok with him going at all when you have a new baby? I don’t think it’s reasonable for him to push off on a jolly when you have a baby that’s a few weeks old.

There is nothing wrong with both parents having holidays seperatley even if there is a baby but I would not tag along to my husbands uni friends breaks and I would think it was weird if he wanted to tag along with mine

So am I! He has no idea at the moment want having a baby will entail. I doubt very much he'll be going to either.

He's a grown up now, op!

Do people really never go on separate holidays once they have children?

We aren’t the first in our circle to have kids and many of them still go on seperate holidays. I really don’t think that’s an issue? In August I’ll be going away for 4 nights for my sisters hen do and DH will have baby alone?

Maybe it’s just our circle.

Same, MN seems to generally have the rule that mothers need to be tied to their children constantly and then of course have to provide care for their grandchildren life does not appear to happen outside of children it seems

They do and I think it’s a healthy thing. However, I think going when your baby is a newborn is a bit much.

Also, his reasons for you not being able to go on the second trip are a bit off.

Is it your first baby together OP?

I wouldn't be impressed with my partner planning all these trips if it's was our first.
Also you could have a difficult birth or anything!

Yes it is offensive, you don't need to be sporty to enjoy the trip,

We have 2 kids and will go away with friends separately NOW but they are 4 and 7, we had rough periods with both where either of us going away just wasn't feasible and the first 2-3 months is pretty all consuming especially with a first baby. I suspect that's what most people are getting at.

The baby might not know he’s not there but you will be keenly aware of his absence when you’re left alone with a new baby

I won’t be alone, my parents will be with me.

I appreciate we might change our mind at the time but I intend to start as we mean to go on. I don’t believe being a parent means you have to give up your friends or life as an individual. I’m sure I’ll manage 5 days with my mum and dad and no doubt my sister while DH celebrates with his friends. Then in August he will have baby with his partners while I get to celebrate with my sister.

If we change our mind it’s no big deal, he just won’t go, if circumstances change that require him to stay, again no big deal he will just stay.

I’m shocked too tbh. It’s not that you and he will be holidaying separately but that you will need your team mate.. I think you’re underestimating massively the job you’re about to begin! At 7mo, you’re right baby won’t care to be without dad, but you will. You’ll be exhausted by this point and unless you’re really amazing at sleeping in the day, you’ll be v v v tired and having a committed partner around is a huge huge help!

You haven't even had your baby yet. Just relax about it. If you're happy with his ski trip, great. See how it goes.

Take it from there.

Yes, people do go on holiday alone/with friends and some people go away leaving the kids with grandparents. Even on MN x

I feel like everyone is more focussed on whether or not DH should even go on the holidays than my actual question which was AIBU to be hurt by the reasons he’s given for not wanting me to join the second trip. That’s not impacted by how old baby will be.

Fair enough but Mumsnet does like to go off on a tangent!

Have you had a chat with him about what he said to you? Does he know you’re upset about the reasons he gave you?

It sounds like you and your husband are on the same page, so that is great. Congratulations on the baby

I told him it was quite hurtful as there will be other partners on the trip and while I appreciate I’m not an Olympian I like to think I can play decent tennis or padel.
He basically told me I’m not a bad tennis player but all these guys are really good players so for the girls to be able to properly join they need to be great.
It just feels like he doesn’t really want me there?

Yanbu- I would be hurt if my DH didn’t want me there. I think his reasons are pretty crap too. So what if you’re not sporty, it’s an opportunity to spend some fun time together, especially if you’re tied into baby duties normally.

I think it’s fine for him to be going away. Like you said, you’ll have plenty of help and plans can change if they need to. I also think it’s fine fir him to want to go on his own. He may feel he has to ‘babysit’ you if you’re there and it will change what he wants to do.

It just feels like he doesn’t really want me there? @fayesfair
Maybe he doesn't but doesn't want to upset you by saying it.

It seems you want to have it both ways though, on one hand here you're defending both your decisions to have holidays without each other, but then you're upset thst he wants a holiday without you.

Why do you want to go?

Do you also have any plans for time away together?

I think its a dick move by the group to invite only 2 partners deemed "sporty enough" to attend the holiday. Surely it's either invite all or none. Then add on top of that that you've asked to go and are being told you can't come, yeah it's hurtful. I don't know whst the solution is though.

This thread is a really refreshing read. My DH and I have always maintained a healthy independent social life and 23 years and 2 children later still going very strong. It might not work for everybody, but it has for us. We also work on ‘if it doesn’t work at the time, we’ll cancel’ policy, mutual respect and support!

OTOH. I’d be really hurt if my DH blocked me attending because I wasn’t ‘sporty’ enough. It sounds like he hasn’t factored you in his ‘vision’ of this trip. Surely it’s up to you to decide if you’d find something boring. Perhaps he just wants to ‘check out’ for a few days and just think of himself which is fine if you get the opportunity to do that too, but it would pinch that other partners are going.

I would approach it again with him, if only to explain his ‘sporty’ comment was unnecessary.