Hurt by DH's reasons I can’t come on group holiday

[fayesfair]

Hi everyone. I’m currently pregnant with DH and Is first child, due at the end of December. DH and most of his uni friends turn 30 next year, so they have planned 2 group holidays.
1 in February to go Skiing, obviously I won’t go on this one as baby will be tiny and I actually can’t stand skiing. One in July, where they will spend some days at a sports campus type place playing tennis/padel, swimming etc, one day they have hired a boat to go out and have a boat day, ocean swim, another day they plan to go a water park or something, then probably last day back at the sports campus.
2 of the partners of the 8 men are invited, 1 makes sense she went to uni with them is very much part of the group, the other is relatively new.

I asked DH if I could join for a day or 2, baby will be about 7 months and my parents have already offered to have him for a night or 2. He has said no. I asked why and he said “it will be quite a sporty and competitive trip, the other girls are really sporty, but you wouldn’t enjoy all the sports and will probably complain it’s boring the whole time”.
Now I’m hardly Serena Williams but I don’t think I’m awful at sports and while I do think the water park and maybe go karting which is also on their list isn’t up my street, I’d just come for one of the sports days and the boat day.

AIBU to be hurt by his reasons?

I think you have a big surprise coming. It happens to us all, but whatever the picture of parenthood you have in your head is, it's not going to be like that.

Its not that people never have seperate holidays once DC arrive, but usually it's a rarity, not several times a year, simply because parents prefer to spend their limited annual leave with DC/as a family.

I do think two holidays in the first year of a baby's life is too much for numerous reasons.

I also don't think you'll want to leave a 7 mo baby. You say baby wont know, but all the bonds that last forever are formed in that first year. That's why even children who were adopted in infanthood still often have the difficulties associated with separation disorders. I'm not saying a few days away will have that kind of impact, but once baby is here, I don't think you'll want to go.

Personally I think this sounds a healthy view on holidays.

Initially I thought ywnbu but after your updates I can see why your H might prefer to go alone. You have 2 holidays without him and if sports aren't particularly your thing he would worry you're not getting involved and unhappy. Some down time with no one else to consider can be good ...

I think she's hurt because he said she's crap at sports and his female friends are much better.

I think the holidays are fine but I’d be hurt I want able to go too OP.

You’ve said there’s only 2 partners of 8 going and one isn’t really a partner, if she was part of the uni group too… so there’s 1 of 8 going. He doesn’t want you too. It might have nothing to do with your sporting prowess, and more that he enjoys holidaying with her friends without you? You’ve implied that you do too, when people use questioned why he holidays so much without you.

It is unusual for this to be the case, I don’t know any families who take holidays separately outside of big events.

You can absolutely maintain the separate holidays part with kids, but the flip side of that is accepting that you prefer to holiday apart, and that you can’t really change the status quo and invite yourself along.

I’d be tempted to let this slide until baby is here and people step back from being super helpful in the newborn days and then see where you are and how you feel. It’s very possible one or both of you would rather holiday together, with or without baby, than spend so much time apart.

Yes this would be my read of it too.

Assuming you’re generally happy with the principle of individual holidays, I think it is fine for a trip with uni mates to be just those mates.

Sounds like someone has muddied the waters by inviting a non-uni partner but it doesn’t necessarily mean everyone is happy with that - if everyone invited their partner it quite changes the dynamic of the trip and that’s not DH’s decision alone.

Good advice. We booked two foreign holidays when I was pregnant with our first child having no idea what we were letting ourselves in for. We then barely made it out of the country for a decade!

I would be hurt too tbh. Xx

Do people really never go on separate holidays once they have children?

In my experience, they don’t - at least not if we are talking full weeks/fortnights away that involve big chunks of annual leave and cost. People might go on a golf trip/a weekend away for a friend’s birthday (that sort of thing), but otherwise there usually simply isn’t the time or money to go round without there not being “a family holiday”. And that’s really important for most people.

I wonder if this is the way the person who had invited their partner has wangled it “I know it was just supposed to be us bit she’s an excellent tennis player and it’ll mean X has a partner for mixed doubles”. And the rest of the group (reluctantly?) has agreed on that for this one partner, but they don’t want it becoming a big everyone-and-their-partners trip.

Dh usually had an annual trip with his dps before we met. I had our ds and he turned down the invitation.. Mil never forgave us.
But op you aren't considering once your awaited dc is here you both may actually prefer - for the early months-to actually be there with your dc. Nothing to do with keeping your friends /still socialising - but those early months go so fast. Plenty of time for solo trips later on.

Sounds sexist to me, the men are good so for women to join they have to be great. And what a boring attitude, you can't just play to have a bit of fun? Plus evenings hanging out, breakfast together. Plus that's not really his call, 'you're not allowed to come because you're not good enough' is nasty. He sounds like a dickhead

Yes of course as a family 2-3 times weekends away and always a week in the sun somewhere.

mother in law says she couldn’t leave husband as would miss him too much even for one night

Which is it? You want to holiday separately, you want to holiday together, or you want your DH to invite you on his holidays but you don’t want him coming on yours?

Did he go away with you for your 30th last year and is he coming with you when you go away next year?

This.

He seems to think that he'll be able to have the same social life after the baby's born as he's having now. That needs nipping in the bud imo, as the only way it's possible is if you do all the childcare while he's off having fun, OP.

Yes I would be hurt. One or two of the other partners are joining in and you want to go. It's as if he's put you in a box and wants to keep you there. Also he has accused you of moaning. Not nice.

But this doesn't sound like the kind of holiday where he'll have much time for you. You'll probably have to amuse yourself and just do whatever you enjoy and let him do whatever he wants while you're there. Sounds very much like a group not a couple setup and I wouldn't go at all if I was going to be hurt by him sticking with the group and not dropping out of anything to be with you.

Of course people do, it’s quite common within my friendship circle for people to go away without their spouses and then swap over and the other person goes away without their spouses friends at another point.
I would be hurt that if other partners were going he didn’t ask you to attend, unless there is a massive back story that you’ve previously attended a sporty event and have moaned the entire time.

The issue of you not being good at sports is a red herring. The fact is, he doesn't want you there. That's a bigger issue.

I’d be hurt too. I think it’s natural to feel that way. We feel like our partners should want us there no matter what, even if they think we are crap at sports!

Can’t you just override him? Tell him not to be silly, and that you want booking on the trip. His reasons are pretty irrelevant, as it’s your decision on whether it fits in with what you want to do.

How can I book myself on a holiday with his friends? I’m not in the group chat planning it, as im not currently invited.

I think I'd be hurt if more of the other partners were going and I was in the minority, but I don't think you can take it personally if just two out of eight partners have been invited.

Having said the above, does him taking those holidays leave him with enough annual leave to spend other time with you and the baby? You presumably being on maternity leave is an unusually good opportunity in that you can go away at any time; it would be a shame if he were missing out on that because of these trips.

You didn't have a baby when you went on your trips. He will have a baby so it is different. You can't just Swan off whenever you want willy nilly when you have a child. Your parents can only help you so much. Also, yes it just seems like he doesn't want you to come. Would you actually enjoy it? Do you have history of moaning when doing sports? Maybe leave them to it.

I think it blurs things that some partners are going however it sounds like they must have a keen interest in these sports.

I think it's hard to say without hearing more..obviously it's out of order but for all we know you could be the sort of person who complains a lot (I'm sure you're not I'm just saying if I was going on a holiday for my sport that my DH isn't interested in i wouldn't be desperate for him to come)

Also agree, you didn't ask people if it was unreasonable for him to be going at all. People on here love creating problems where there aren't any.

I absolutely know this isn't the issue but it could be harder to leave the baby overnight at this age than you think anyway. Obviously I don't know how you're planning on feeding or anything like that but 7 months csn b a bit of a tricky age with sleep ans all that.

There does appear to be some obsession on here that once you have a baby neither parent is allowed out. Seperate hols is fine.

to be honest, I’d not tag along on my husbands dos with his mates, it does change the dynamic, and I’d not want him coming along when I go with my mates. But everyone is different.